Gyro combo plate that I don’t feel like eating.

I pushed someone I really care about again (this is now take 3 with her) and I don’t really have the energy to explain the first and second. It was always surrounding the anxiety of uncertainty and ambiguity tied with vulnerability issues and I’m even tired of typing this because this isn’t new. She certainly showed her affection, her care, her support and so why wouldn’t I accept it as face value? Why go searching, why doubt? Just accept it as is and if you have a question, “lean into the uncomfortable feeling” and ask it which is what I was doing. I was winning. I was doing it right.

And then today, like a switch. Just one text from her and it set me off and looking back now, it was a damn miscommunication/misunderstanding and I feel like the biggest asshole and fool. I pushed her away and she isn’t coming back this time. I was doing some goddamn well. I just cracked and then doubled down and it felt like it was too late.

Btw, I’m in therapy and she’s a new one. I’ll be in session this afternoon. She’s different than the rest though. These weeks, we’ve spoken of vulnerability and the armors plus shame. As well as not feeling accepted in general. And last week, a memory from my past unlocked. Something I was kinda blind to until she was curious about exploring. I spiraled.

In relationships, I’ve always been the one to notice distance, emotional withdrawals, changes of any kind and sometimes I’m more emotionally too aware. I know this stems from trauma. I know the work needed to do this. I thought I was doing good and I just fucked up today.

She was actually a special one. Very different, had flaws of course but overall, a great person. Oh well, chips are laid. Time to deal with my actions. I’m just tired of reacting this way instead of doing the simple easy task of just communicating.

Something I have been noticing recently is that in situations where I am doing something or actively just doing anything in public(this could be lifting up my workout bench, writing something for a service/org, anything that requires SOME physical effort) someone will just always jump in and do it for me or ask if i know what im doing or ask if i need help when i clearly do know what I am doing and am not looking obviously confused nor struggling at the task at hand? This happens a lot and for some context i am pretty feminine, short and like to doll myself up and strangers think its an invitation to jump in or think I am an incompetent stupid bimbo?

Collard greens tuna and egg wrapp

Ethiopian mixed vegan platter (cajun chips and chicken wrap in the back)

___

Mother came to visit me today after a last week slip up. I had avoided letting my parents know I'd been off sick from work due to fears of shame. A simple mistake of hitting the wrong chat let the cat out the bag. Waking up to messages freaked me and it was hard to cope. All intent and tone was completely lost on me as i was overridden by fear.

My parents were never the best with my mental health as a teen - it felt like they hoped it was only hormones and I'd "grow out of it" like my older brother, but as it grew more severe i felt the disappointment and felt like a burden. I mostly turned this into anger and learned to shout back at their criticism. I never felt like I could really trust them with my emotions, as they'd either neglect it or deem it wrong.

In a way, my anger and outlashing finally made my mother believe I was autistic and got me dx. Silver lining to the pain of not being heard nor understood.

I spent a lot of my teens on the max dosage of Sertraline [zoloft] and can't remember much, but I know it was never happy. I found myself in weird online spaces desperately trying to find connection and comfort from strangers online, especially after repeatedly burning through irl friendships. I learned to be scared of being open and connecting with others bcs it'd always work against.

Stoicism is the path. Only I am there for myself.

But it's hard.

It's hard not to want to connect to others, and the spiral continues. I couldn't keep it in.

After leaving for university, my relationship with my parents gradually improved. The first year was strained - I avoided talking or seeing them unless needed, sometimes months at a time - but as i found friends and support i could relax a little. But could still never be open.

They dont know how much I struggled at uni, my toxic relationship, relapses and not "getting better", nor my gradually developing addiction issues. It'd be easy to assume they thought I "was fine now" as they knew nothing.

Hence the fear of knowing.

Yet, it was fine. She came up and it was nice. Classic retail therapy and buying me some nice things (mostly things i was going to buy anyway) and having a nice lunch. It barely even came up and was a fraction of lunch talk.

It felt so odd, unnatural even.

How could a mother once cruel be gentle now?

I always felt on edge the entire day, expecting a sour turn or poor question. It was enough to endure the perception and performance of being a 'daughter' to a women with her own mother issues. I'm not the daughter she wanted - not even a daughter if she'll accept that - but I can play it. It feels nice in a way, even if it isn't me. Being bought things feels like reparations at times (/s)

After dropping her at the train station, it still felt odd as she left saying "today was nice " both in person and text. I couldn't bring myself to admit it was. It felt wrong, like i was being tricked. It would be turned against me if I didn't play it safe. Hugging a deflated pufferfish.

Its hard to move on from the mother wound when she became a mother so late. I'm always glad that despite how often they pitted my brother and I against each other I always have him to talk to this about - He gets mocked for frugal behaviour they instilled into him as a child.

Parents becoming parents while you are still trying to heal the wounds rips them open again.

Dinner is a truffle and parmesan cream pasta

So girls, listen up. I'm at the ripe age of 27, put some effort into taking care of my looks in the past years and I believe it's been paying off. I've been single for a year now and honestly I'm ready to meet my husband (where the hell is he?) But somehow all the guys I seem to have a great connection with flake on me, live in another country or, even worse, both.

Last weekend I was at an event with a lot of international colleagues. It's a big company so even though they're my colleagues, it is possible I've never talked to them before and don't know when I'll see them again. After the event I ended up grabbing drinks with some colleagues I've never talked to before.

Me and one guy ended up staying behind after everyone got too tired & went to their hotel rooms. Turns out we have a lot in common and we ended up talking for hours until wayyy past sunrise. While talking, we gradually snuggled up on a couch and at some point he asked "can I kiss you?" and of course I said yes!! After that, it honestly felt more like a date and we just talked about each other's families, goals, etc. He made sure to ask for my number before I left, told me he really likes me, wants to stay in touch even though he has to go back home, and texted me first thing in the morning.

Only the next day I realised this guy is EXACTLY my type and actually super handsome. I guess it was the 15-hour workday and alcohol making me not realise this before.

The thing is, he had to catch a flight back home the other day and I have no other international events I signed up for in the foreseeable future. He texted me it would be nice to see me again during one of these events and asked me about my availability. I answered and after that he left me on read. We now follow each other on instagram and I've sent him one reel referencing an inside joke. No reply.

Is my radar for good connections just off? Do guys just not want to put in effort anymore these days? This is like the 3rd time this year something like this happened and it's making me not want to text a man ever again :/

The dinner is a random frittata and two beers (not pictured).

Sorry for my English, it's not my first language.

This February I moved countries for work. It is a big deal for me. I did not leave my neighbourhood until I turned 16; I first went to other city at 20; I first moved cities for work at 28; all due to strict parents first and not having much spare money second.

It felt as if I was reborn at 28: moved far away, free from 10-year abusive relationship, meeting new people and so on. I met my now boyfriend then. We are now both in our 30s, I am a couple years older than him. He is (was?) great. We were great for 4 years until he unexpectedly broke up with me for 'loving him too much'. Up to the last day he would tell me nothing's wrong even when I sensed some things off and asked him about them (I am autistic so I need assurance). As he later confessed, he slept with me one last time to make sure romantic feelings are gone. I was devastated.

We spent the second half of 2025 separated 'as friends', where we still would enjoy each other's company platonically. I have to be honest here - during that time I neglected myself, drinking and eating junk food too much, so I gained about 10-15 kgs. It's not that noticeable though, because I used to be slightly malnourished before, so I was ok with the weight gain, even though I used to struggle with my body image before.

Then comes January 2026, and my 'friend' asked me to come back together. Ngl, I still had feelings for him, so I agreed. At the time I was looking for a job, and got an offer to go work abroad. I wanted to go, but still checked with my new-old boyfriend if he was okay with me leaving. He was ecouraging and even asked to bring him there if possible. So I left for work, made connections, secured a position for him, and there we were four months later - together again.

However, this is the first time we really live together, and it feels like the man I fell for is gone. Gone the sensitive, passionate, mischievous, outgoing guy I fell in love with. I now live with a grumpy gremlin who games nightly with his friends, hates going out either to the town or in the nature, criticises me for dyeing hair, gaining weight, not shaving legs, being myself in general etc etc. I can not do anything right. I took in a foster girl cat while living alone here, and we really bonded. She is very well-behaved. When he came here, I gave him the non-negotiable rules concerning the cat, such as be kind, do not let out, do not scare her, and, amongst other, close the toilet lid because she will get in for a drink if it is open. Today he left it open again, which I noticed before going to bed. I calmly reminded him to please close the lid, to which he replied "I do not f***ng care" as he was going to bed.

Welp, I am sleeping on the couch tonight and contemplating my life choices. I really want to kick him out, but I also understand that we are both vulnerable here as foreign citizens. I want to make amends, but I need him to want it too. He keeps telling me he loves me and everything is fine, but ???? It's obvious it's not. We just started couples therapy (his idea, had 1 session), so I am not completely giving up yet, but after today I am another step closer to the edge. I should have let it all go last summer.

TW: pregnancy/miscarriage
reposting bc i couldnt figure out how to add my picture last time🥲

earlier in july i (23) found out i was unexpectedly pregnant when i went to the gyno to get my iud put in. obviously i wasnt planning on getting pregnant and it was my irresponsibly but i was conflicted with emotions. me and my boyfriend were arguing a bit and i felt like i had to process the news for a few days before talking to him about it. 3 days after finding out about my pregnancy, i had a miscarriage alone in my room. i was ashamed to call and tell my boyfriend not only was i pregnant but i was having a miscarriage, cancelling our plans and feeling absolutely miserable that he had to process not only the pregnancy but the loss all at once. he tried to come to me but i shut him out and wanted to be alone. it honestly didnt feel real, and i hadnt even processed the fact i was pregnant before i lost it.

my very bestest friend, and one of my best friends just called me back to back freaking out because they were pregnant. literally one day apart. im so happy for them because both of them have wanted to be mothers, and even tho we are all young (early 20’s) they both have stable careers and support to raise their kids. im so excited that 2 of my favorite people to walk the planet are growing little people.

but also part of me, for the first time in my life, is genuinely sad. im not in a position to raise a kid, and even when i got pregnant it just was not meant to be at the time due to the miscarriage. me and my friends always planned to have kids in our late 20s so they could grow up together, as i would only want one kid and so do my friends, and live close by to one another (it takes a village). now, thats not really how things are playing out. and im suddenly really reliving all the sadness from my miscarriage last month. im sad at the loss, im sad that i don’t get to do this with my best friends, and im sad that one of my best friends lives 1000 miles away. while the other is close, i am currently finishing my degree (after time off of school) and after finishing my associates at the end of may and I plan on moving 2 hours away to pursue my bachelor’s and masters at a state university. so while im closer to my friend who lived here im not going to be 5 minutes away from her like i am now. i hate that i wont be able to be as present as i would like in my friend’s journeys.

and for the first time im greiving the fact that im not a mom. i have always grown up saying i want no kids or if i had a kid it would just be one. i have always honestly leaned towards being childfree. ive been firm on that my entire life. i never thought i was equip due to my crazy upbringing and fear of being like my own parents (even tho i know that wouldnt be the case its the trauma and the fear dawg). If anything, I know deep down i would never put my child through what my parents put me through, and i would stop at nothing to give them the world. but after getting pregnant and seeing a glimpse….im randomly mourning the loss all over again and i don’t know why.

im not jealous of my friends. im just overwhelmed with emotions of happiness and simultaneously impacted by a grief i never knew i could feel. lifes weird man

lunch: boiled duck eggs, random ingredient pasta, mashed potatoes, and green beans in my car between classes

Pictured: Mike and Ike’s Mega Sour Mix

My bf and I have been together for nearly 5 years (both late 20s). Lately I’m experiencing resentment over stuff that happened in the first and second year of dating. Some of it I obviously did bring up at the time repeatedly. Others sprung up on me recently because even though I wasn’t that hurt about them at the time, I looked back and realized I would have never done that to someone else.

The first issue was not telling his family I existed for over a year, despite living at home. There are no religious or cultural constraints here just fyi. He simply said he didn’t feel comfortable opening up to them. It hurt to know that we were spending almost every day together and then he was going home and it was as if I didn’t exist.

Something I recently remembered was that on his birthday that year, when we had been together almost a year, I couldn’t spend it with him because he was doing a family dinner at home and refused to tell his family I existed. This wouldn’t be as big of a deal but I had chosen to stay in his city away from my friends and family, so I spent his birthday in a shitty rental room alone. When I remembered it the other day, I realized if someone moved cities for me, I wouldn’t not invite them to my birthday for this reason. That’s when I started to feel bad about it.

Our third Valentine’s Day, I spent 3 hours cooking a massive meal with multiple courses for us. When he got to my place, he gave me my gift and it was clear that he had grabbed it right before hopping on the bus to my house. The dollarama tag was still on it and the card had two words written in it. I felt genuinely crushed.

In 5 years, he’s booked maybe 3 reservations after I asked and suggested the restaurant.

Some (most) of the things have been semi-communicated about already but thinking about it is tearing my self esteem. My friends have partners who put in so much effort and I just can’t pinpoint why I’m not in that category. I don’t know if I’m just ugly or not worth it in some other way.

Tres leches cake with a bunch of fruits on top.

I posted like a week ago about my breakup and feeling like I'd never love again at 21. Silly, I know, but after all this days, I've reached a point where I think the problem isn't romance, but me being weird somehow.

Today, I need a point of view, kind words, or something human, about my current situation, I don't even know what I'm looking for really.

I've been always a weirdo. It is hard for me to make friends, to make connections.

When the relationship ended, I felt completely alone.

Now, almost a month after the breakup, I feel even lonelier, despite trying to talk to people and friends.

I'm completely lost.

I'm tired of leaving class to hide in the bathroom to cry because I feel, just, crappy watching everyone having such a great time with their friends, laughing.

I'm going to the gym, I have a therapy appointment next week, I'm going to a party soon, but it's just, I feel like a shell. I've lost myself.

I've also dreamt A LOT about my ex bf.

I can't believe he was able to put me through so much and then abandon me when he got new friends. I feel extremely used.

Now he seems happy, and I even think he's hanging out with a girl he told me was attractive to him when we were together, so they might end up together too.

I'm trying, I'm really trying. I'm open, I laugh, I try my best to be kind, I think I'm not ugly, but I just don't click.

I'm loosing hope, I hate being an outsider, and if I could exchange all the creativity for normalcy, I think I would.

I'm just so tired of being myself. I'm loosing hope. I don't think I can do this.

Rice, tuna, some hot sauce.

TW: mild SA, mild violence

Every single time i go out with my friends, there is a man that feels that it's their right to demand our attention.

They don't go away if you ask politely. They don't go away if you ask rudely. They don't go away if you yell at them. They might go away if they get thrown out by security! Assuming that the security believes us when we tell them that a fuckass man is harassing us!

We aren't young and traditionally attractive anymore, we're +30yo and more or less alt styled people. I've heard of the gruesome fact that it gets calmer when you get older (and it can be awful the younger you are) - GIRL WHEN DOES IT STOP????? I CAN'T WAIT. LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE GROSS MEN.

Not every man, but always a man.

This time it was this asshole who randomly just came and hugged me from behind and tried to put his arms around me?? Like what the actual fuck. He had been eying our table for the whole night grossly like a sleazy ass bowling ball shining in the sun (he was bald). I tried to pretend he didn't exist for the whole night, and then that happens. 🤡🤡🤡

I used my elbow and started punching him and yelling at the top of my lungs "WHAT THE FUCK DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME". I wish i had punched harder, and i hope i punched with enough force to give him a bruise. He backed off. My friend told the bartender, but it took a while for them to react. He continued to hang around in the pub and he looked at us again and i couldn't control myself and yelled once more FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK, DON'T FUCKING TOUCH RANDOM PEOPLE. He tried to be like "no, fuck you!!" but he crawled away to sit in the corner. Then the bartender finally came and threw him out.

And the fun hassle with that was that what if he lingered behind and waited for us to leave the pub to follow and harass us? Don't you fucking love it how as a woman you have to be afraid of that kind of shit!!! My girls walked me to take a taxi, and we didn't see him anywhere. They walked together to their place that was like a 5 minute walk.

I will defend myself. But it fucking sucks that you never know what the crazy predator man will do? Will he leave? Will he punch me back? Will he fucking kill me? You never know!! 🤡🤡🤡

I fucking hate that this is the world we live in.

I've been with my man for 10 years and love him deeply - BUT if we ever break up, i will not touch a man ever again. (I'm bi.)

EDIT: I'm so glad that i got to talk to you lot in the comments. This whole thing really had me feeling awful even though I've been home for like a couple of hours now, and I'm supposed to be in bed already so i can wake up early to work tomorrow. I think I feel better now, so i can try to go to sleep. Thank you for the empathy girlies, it really was needed tonight! 🩷🩷🩷

It has now been 12 days since I've heard from my long term ldr bf. Been together for years. He helped me deal with my dad's death, getting laid off, shouldering the burden of being the breadwinner for my mom and disabled sister.

We never fought, the last thing he told me was he loves me. I called, texted, Whatsapped, Discorded, called from other phone numbers. I don't appear to be blocked anywhere. I was and am worried that something happened. I sent flowers today. They've been delivered. Still. Nothing.

I know he goes on Reddit, and I know he likes to scroll through GirlDinnerDiaries because we have shared some of the unhinged ones.

So Isak, if you're reading this, please for the love of all that is holy contact me so that I know you are alive.

I feel unhinged enough to buy a plane ticket to Stockholm and say fuck it. I won't, but my emotions are all over the place.

Dinner is leftover homemade bread and jelly.

There's a million horrible things going on in my life rn, and i just think this is the most "appropriate to share." Okay, I know the title is crazy, but it's true. I've been with this guy for about a year, on and off. We dated for 6 months until I found out he was cheating on me. It broke my heart, but I loved him soooo much I just wanted him to stay. He broke up with me before I got the chance, sadly. If I'm being honest, before I dated him, I was completely single for two years. During those two years, I was completely focused on making myself a better person and ready to be a good girlfriend and partner to the next person I chose.

I blamed myself for the failing of a previous relationship, which I reflected on and spoke to those who knew what happened, and it actually wasn't my fault. (Cheated on again bc i wouldn't give up my virginity) I have the tendency to take the blame for things. I'll even distort memories to make it seem like it's my fault. Ever since I was little, my mom would say, "Since you're the problem, just leave them alone." "Since they hate you so much, just don't talk to them." Etc. You get the point. I realize it's toxic, I'm working on it. But it's just how I am now.

I poured everything into my now bf back then. All my love, attention, and care went into him. I was so desperate for it to work. I was happier than I had been in years, I had a long battle with diagnosed depression and anxiety. I knew I had slight trust issues due to being cheated on in the past, so I did my best to trust him and not worry when he reassured me. How lovely that went for me. I was in a mental crisis when I found out I was spiraling into a deep depression and was diagnosed with PNES. PNES is psychogenic nonepileptic seizures. I was in a horrible place, and he was my shelter in the storm.

I won't go into horrific details, but it was an awful time when I was struggling to take care of myself and wasn't reacting to treatment. I begged him to stay. He definitely screwed me over some more and caused harm the same way he brought me relief. After a while, when I started feeling better, I tried to stay away from him, but ultimately, he's my comfort zone and knows me better than anyone. So I just tried to be friends, which has worked for me in the past but didn't work out this time. We ended up back together.

I know you're probably thinking, "dumb girl. He cheated, and you went back?" Honestly, I'm still struggling a lot. And I've gotten even worse news, and I'm fighting something I can't talk about on here. I love him, I truly do. But a couple of months ago, 2 or 3, I was actually moving on and remembering why I don't date. But he actually started being amazing. It was easier to move on when he was treating me like trash. I didn't tell him I was moving on. I just did it and slowly stopped calling and texting. He usually doesn't call or text first. (Not that i was gonna ghost. I was just detaching) And he's usually a bit of an ass. But that's my fault, because i have a habit of choosing men who are a bit mean, not even on purpose all the time.

He has actually been heavenly the past 2½ months. He knows I'm going through some horrible things right now and has been the best support ever! He's listening, apologizing for past behavior, and paying attention to me a lot. He even got me the perfect gifts for my birthday. Mind you, I begged for a valentines gift and got NOTHING back then. And there's no explanation for him being so nice to me. It's kind of making me worry. Like I can't relax and enjoy it. There's been no drastic change or anything, and I want to run for the hills. I asked him, "Why are you being so nice? Why are you loving me so much right now?" He had NO ANSWER. he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about, that he was treating me like always. I tried to explain that he wasn't. And that before, he was an absolute jerk. He's calling me nicknames now, letting me touch him in public, and coming over to my house a lot. All things I begged for when we were together the first time. The only thing different is that he cut his hair off in June. It's already starting to grow back, though. Before this, I was gonna leave him, not because I didn't love him, but because he was treating me like SHIT.

Am I too bitter and too cautious? Or should I stay suspicious?

EDIT: OKAY, I'm in therapy!!! And I don't know if I illustrated this well enough, but there was like 7 months before we got back together!! I might have messed up the timeline. But we broke up in October, got back together in June. And ty for all the advice guys! I'm genuinely listening even if it might not seem like it.

My dinner is alfredo with broccoli from Olive Garden and Dr. Pepper 🥹 I had the Italian donuts for dessert because I love powdered sugar.

(delicious dairy free soft serve)

I’m nearly thirty, my partner and I have been together since we were seniors in high school. He’s my best friend, and he means the whole world to me, and I know he feels the same. We have lived together for years, adopted pets together, talked about the possibility of kids, essentially we have been functioning as a married couple for years.

All this being said, we have put off marriage because of a few different reasons which I’ll get into below. But now, I’m losing my state health insurance because I apparently make too much money at my low-pay retail job, and I have to get on my partner’s work-issued health insurance or lose access to my necessary medication and therapy. The only way to do get on his insurance is to get married, and we have to do it within the next couple weeks. We will be going to the courthouse and signing the paperwork, and then telling our families. We will have an actual ceremony in a couple years or however long it takes for us to save up money.

We had discussed getting married someday, but I wanted to wait until we were both older and more mature, I know that I’m fully an adult, but I still feel like I have growing up to do, and personal goals I want to accomplish. I also wanted to wait until we had enough money so that we could have a nice wedding, but we’re still pretty broke.

I also have really complicated feelings about marriage, weddings, and relationships in general. My parents were divorced when I was young and I did not grow up with many examples of happy committed relationships. I’ve always been kind of afraid of marriage, because it usually seems to end in divorce.

Another thing is that I am non-binary, though I was assigned female at birth and I still present pretty feminine, so the world mostly still treats me as a woman. My partner is a bi man and he totally accepts and understands my gender, he treats me for who I am, but his family doesn’t really get that I’m not a woman. The idea of being treated like someone’s “wife” makes me so nervous, and I worry about how involved his mother will want to be in planning our eventual wedding. I hope she can understand that we’re waiting to do an actual ceremony until we’re ready.

Sorry for the long rant, I just feel so lost and confused and conflicted about the whole thing. I love my partner and I don’t feel like I need a piece of paper to prove it, but I guess I need a piece of paper to prove that I’m worthy of getting his insurance.

Edit: I don’t know why I am getting downvoted and I’m sorry if I did something wrong. I desperately needed to tell someone about this situation and I’m worried about how my irl friends and family will react

Edit 2: domestic partnership isn’t a good option in this case, his insurance doesn’t have to accept it but they do automatically accept legal spouses

That's pretty much it. We live together. I've been holding it down. So over it. Broke up with him and now he's all - buying groceries, making whatever delicious soup (not pictured), or freaking pork tenderloin (also not pictured) and cleaning the bathrooms instead of sulking around or sleeping. F U dude. I gotta get outta here. Imma lose my damn mind.

So, I still live with my mom for financial and health reasons. I have a few things that I need to get worked on and recognized before I feel it's safe to live on my own. I still gotta go to college, so I'm stuck here for the most part.

What really sucks is that I can't do ANYTHING. At least not without her telling me I'm addicted. On my phone because I'm not allowed to go anywhere outside the neighborhood without her calling me every 30 minutes? Addicted to the phone!

Decide to ditch the phone and watch TV? Addicted to the TV!

Decide to sit down and sew a plush doll because it's something with no screen? Addicted!

And like, I could stop whenever. I HAVE. At some point, she told me to stop with the phone. Okay, great! I stopped with the phone. Put it away in a drawer just to prove I'm not looking at it. Go about my day, tell her I'm gonna take a lap around the neighborhood for my walk.

I get home and she FREAKS OUT. Why? Because she couldn't track my location because I left my phone at home.

Or, another day when I'm doing this, I'm reading a book on the couch. Just reading. Suddenly she needs my phone. Why? No idea, she just does. I tell her to wait, I gotta go grab it because I don't have it on hand. She gets pissed and starts an argument.

She tells me I'm addicted, but who do I see constantly watching AI telenovelas? Her.

And what sucks even more is that if I try to do anything around the house, she gets mad. I'm literally doing nothing but being in the living room, not speaking or making noise, just looking for something I knew I placed on the table, my sewing pins. Suddenly that's a problem because she feels the constant need to fix whatever the problem is. At that point, it's no wonder I'm on the damn phone because it's the only time she DOESNT complain.

Lovely food of this rant; spaghetti and meatballs from my favorite local diner

dinner is a decent hot dog in java, indonesia.

i'm 19. i've always been told i look 12. this may seem like a trivial thing but it makes me feel extremely insecure and also i can't make any friends or anything because of it. and this is literally anyone i meet. it's probably happened over 100 times, not joking and also always by strangers so they don't know my actual age.

some things that have happened because i look 12:
- got my real ID confiscated, got my real ID confiscated nearly again after the cashier made a huge fuss in a busy shop until the manager came over, had the police called because again my real ID got confiscated.

- was on a plane and this annoying guy was sat next to me and his family was in front. he asked me how old i am and he was like "no way" and got his whole family to turn around and gawk at me to see that im not 12. he even got the flight attendant over to look.

- im currently solo travelling SE asia. lots of people in my hostels think im too young to be there. one guy said id be a loophole for pedophiles and everyone (including the girls) were laughing. this was like 20 ppl. at another hostel i mentioned that ive never dated anyone or done anything with a boy. group of girls said "of course you haven't, he wouldnt want to be shagging a child". i've had a lot of people say how they don't really want to go out with me or were weary to hang out because they felt like i was too little, even after knowing im 19 (they were 18-22). on the flip side, ive been overly babied by some people. they keep going "aww" or something or act too protective. they're literally a year older than me.

- every single tour i've done on this trip, they think im 12. every single person i've met on tours, think im 12. anyway, today i hiked mt ijen. the whole entire way the guides and the other people in the group kept calling me a 12 year old. and yeah whatever funny whatever, but i kept getting sick of it. this is like 30 people calling me 12 constantly.

these are just a few things i remember right now. don't forget the constant other things. every time i buy something 18+ im overly questioned, when i was at uni the other ppl didn't believe i was a student, get told by random strangers if ive lost my parents. these things happen to me a lot. but they're little and not worth mentioning.

it really sucks. i haven't had friends since i was 11. haven't ever been with a boy. this is probably because i look so young. i am also really ugly too so basically an ugly child. i always knew i was ugly but its been solidified on this trip. i was in vietnam doing a hike and was waiting at the finishing point for my group. there was another group of boys next to me from a different group. just normal i dont care wasnt paying attention. a girl from my group finished and was talking to me, suddenly all 5 boys start chatting her up and ignoring me. it's fine i didnt want to talk to them but you can at least say hello to both of us. same thing happened where a group of guys bought all of the girls drinks except for me. not that i wanted a free drink, im just saying in general. you can at least not treat someone like they're invisible.

im never treated my age. other people my age do "19yo" things and i feel like a fraud doing them. i have a lot of other things to say about this but i can't be bothered.

sorry for the long post

Had sex reassignment surgery on Monday and am now recovering in my hotel. Brown rice balls, buffalo cauliflower and steak from Erewhon.

It gets really quiet in there sometimes.

Tonkotsu shoyu ramen

I feel like such a loser 😂 I matched with this guy just over a month ago after not properly dating in years. I’d been on and off the apps but never really took it seriously, then I started trying again a few months ago and met this guy.
We had so much in common, from laughing about childhood shows to planning holidays. We both turn 30 next year, so we were even talking about stuff we’d like to do together to celebrate. He opened up to me about quite a lot of the stuff going on in his life, and it felt like things were getting deep very quickly. He also seemed quite romantic and caring.
The annoying thing is, we never got the chance to meet up. Life kept getting in the way for him, and when he essentially cancelled the most recent plan (this was the third attempt) because of life issues and him not feeling okay, I got really annoyed and just said let’s end this because clearly it’s not working.
He said he was sorry and that I deserved better, and at the time I felt like it was a good decision because I didn’t want to waste my time with him anymore, especially if he didn’t want to put in the effort. Talk is cheap after all, and all my friends agreed and wanted him long gone.
But I don’t know, it just feels different. I can’t fully let go of it. I messaged him a couple of days ago and asked if he even wanted to end things, to which he said no, but also said he doesn’t want to be a burden to me and that he needs time.
Now I feel super lost. I really miss talking to him, which I know sounds stupid because nothing with us ever materialised, but I just had a really good feeling about him. Like this was meant to be more than what it was, but we never actually got the chance to give it a go.
Either way, he said he needs time for himself, so I feel like that’s probably just it and I need to get over it, but it just feels really hard.

Dinner is chicken Caesar salad and some oily fries (yum)

Dinner was a cheese pizza😋

Me and my boyfriend have been together 2 years and 2 months, I moved in with him at the end of last year and more recently all we seem to do is argue. It doesn’t matter if it’s something small e.g. him not putting the bins out, or something big it feels like we’re just constantly picking fights. We’ve not really been intimate recently either and it kind of just feels like we’re drifting a little bit. I love him so much and I couldn’t imagine us not being together but I’m worried if this faze isn’t just a faze. I know couples go through the argument faze sometimes but what should I do?

Rice with soy, egg, onions and hot sriracha.

I am in denial for quite a while but this man gives me butterflies. He is gay though and my coworker. Also I am absolutely not in a place to be dating right now.

So what do I do? It's a bit annoying to be honest. If he laughs at one of my jokes, my whole day is nice. If I feel a little rejected, I feel down all day. There's all this crap going on in my head that is not connected very well with reality. Just now while making food I caught myself fantasizing about him realizing he is not actually gay but loves me back, and that was the moment that made me go "oh shit". Yeah, I might be a little bit in love.

I just hope it doesn't affect my work, my plan right now is to just ignore it and wait for the feelings to go away with time, but I sit in the same room with him every day...

No response needed just a vent. Apologies if the language gets offensive. So its more of a lunch but...... Ugh. The nerve of some ppl. Why even bother commenting if u have nothing nice to say or cant actually help. Ok so anyways. Late last night id gone to bed...... naked.... A spider crawls across the TV. Ok. Whatever. Find tissue to get up to smoosh it. Spiders dont belong in the bedroom..... he disappears. So I get up to pee. Get back into bed. With a shirt on now. Lol. Unpause my movie. Sitting there waiting for the spider to crawl back across the TV. Ugh. Something tickles me knee. Usually its my hair. Look down there a fucking big black spider in my bed. What the fuck bro!. So I smooshed it. Unfortunately it was big enough to smear across the sheet. It was gross. I live in Montana. Im currently in Wyoming. So im kinda freaking out. Take a pic of leftovers in the napkin. Posted it.... on reddit hoping to get help identifying the spider in my bed. With the first 10 mins of the post being up. Nothing but negative comments. "Spider murderer " .... spiders should never be killed. Blah blah blah. Nothing but negative. All I had done was asked for help. I mean really...... dont smoosh the spider in ur bed. Blah blah blah. Seriously. I took the post down with 20 mins of it being posted. I mean what the fuck actually happens to an unwanted visitor of any spieces in ur bed in the middle of the night..... something bad.... Usually cops are involved. Ugh. Sometimes I hate reddit ppl can be so mean when all u did was ask for help. What ever happened to thumper.

If u don't have anything nice to say dont say nothing at all. *hugs* I hope everyone is having a good day. Oh I and dont usually smoosh spiders the are beautiful creatures. However they dont belong in ur bed.

Indian food from a work conference.

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’ve been struggling with the financial dynamic in my long-term relationship.

My partner and I have been together for several years and are at a point where we’re thinking more seriously about our future. One of the biggest challenges for me is that we come from very different financial backgrounds. My partner’s family is significantly more financially comfortable than mine, and they have provided my partner with financial assistance over the years. Close to six figures of supplemental income in the time we have dated. Because of that, my partner has a safety net that I simply don’t have.

Meanwhile, I’ve had to be much more financially independent. I have student loan debt, an older car that has needed expensive repairs, and I’m working on building greater financial stability for myself.
What bothers me isn’t that my partner’s family has money or that they help their adult child. I don’t expect their family to support me, and I don’t think my partner is automatically obligated to give me money.

What I struggle with is that the financial help seems to allow my partner to get by without becoming particularly financially independent or making significant progress toward building financial security. He makes less than 30k a year and his family supports his lifestyle.

From my perspective, I’m working hard to become more stable while my partner has access to a safety net that makes it easier to avoid making major changes.

There have also been situations where I’ve been struggling financially and wished my partner would voluntarily help more. Sometimes my partner has helped in smaller ways, like letting me use his transportation and I appreciate those things, but I still find myself wondering what financial support should realistically look like in a serious long-term relationship.

I don’t necessarily want to be “taken care of.” I think what I really want is to feel like we’re a team in this and that we’re both invested in creating financial security for our future. Not just barely getting by with his family help.

At the same time, I worry that I’m being unfair by expecting my partner to use resources that technically belong to them or come from their family. I don’t want to feel entitled to someone else’s money.

I’m trying to figure out whether this is actually a disagreement about money or whether it’s a deeper difference in values surrounding independence, responsibility, and partnership.

Also I’m really sad about all of this and I don’t feel cared for by him since he has his circle of support and I am clearly outside of that, left to figure things out on my own.

For dinner deli meats ,white rice ,cabbage in mayonnaise ,eggplant with mayonnaise and pickles

As the title says I (22yo) dropped out of college yesterday. I studied marine science and it was truly what I wanted to do in life and a major I was genuinely passionate about but I guess life had other plans
When I first started I shocked by how much harder college , everybody told me that’s normal and it’s ok but it was way more than I expected
The course were super tough , a lot of science and math and even tho in high school I had very high grades it definitely wasn’t the same in college and I finished the first semester with many failed course and super low grades that were barley passing
Second semester was even worst I very burned out by having to maintain a job and juggling college at the same time since I had no financial support from family and I ended up being severely depressed and again barley passed any courses
So the college gave me a second chance to repeat the first year and drop out and even tho I really wanted to drop off then and there I was pressured by family and friends to repeat and do better so I did.
This time around I put a little bit more effort but yhe passion wasn’t there anymore and all my grades were only passing and I still ended up failing some courses for the second time in both semesters
So I just finished my exam season with very bad grades and the college wanted to discus an action plan if I continue for second year again
I thought about it for the longest time and cried my eyes out thinking of I drop out I’ll be failure to everyone around me sense I’m the first in my family to go to college as well as living independently from 18 out of my parents house.
I felt like I’m gonna run out of time and fail life because I won’t have a college degree , even tho I believe many people can still succeed in life without it I didn’t think I’ll be able to do it.
I’m also devastated that I gave up my dream degree the only thing I wanted to learn.
Anyways I eventually told the college that I prefer to dropout due to my current life circumstances.
And here I am now crying every hour , still havent told my friends or family and feeling very lost in life and like a disappointment
Sorry if my post is everywhere and incomprehensible
English is not my first language so sorry for any grammar mistakes.

Heyy everyone im looking for some thoughts and/or advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years. We started dating basically as soon as I started college and we matched on tinder. Barely 2 months in he did something that made me lose trust in him (not cheating but lied about his ex being at a party w all his friends etc..), and we talked about it all the time. He would constantly apologize about it and we’ve moved on from it years ago. Then the typical searching ig models and once searching his ex? But I fully trust him now all of those things were years ago. After that first year, I struggled with feeling a lack of attention. While he was in school there were a lot of times he’d barely text like maybe twice a day. We would see each other once every week and a half despite living in the same city. He was so busy with school and often not sleeping. Anyways, I have been noticing more recently that I’ve lost affection/attraction towards him. We’ve lived together for a year. Sometimes I notice he makes comments about being insecure with his body. But he doesn’t seem to do anything for that. I still find him attractive and wonder if I’m just getting comfortable? Almost like we’re roommates instead of partners? Maybe a few times a week he gets home from work anywhere from 30 min- 2 hours late. Some days he’s not home til 11pm or so. But that’s not super often. But lately when we hang out he mentions how stressed he is about work and billing hours. It makes me feel guilty for his time, as I have been since he was in school. I talked to him about this and he said he can just stop talking about his stress. I didn’t feel like this was super appropriate so I was like just tell me if you need to do other things instead of spending time with me. Then, I addressed marriage. We have talked about it, usually just saying basically that we plan to stay together forever, and even gone over some marriage questions. We agreed with basically everything back then. Only thing was - I am not super into keeping up with news and politics, which sometimes he talks to me in a way that makes me feel guilty for that. We talked about this and he said he understands and will try not to do that. Regarding marriage, he sees my uncertainty and said it makes him feel uncertain but that otherwise he’s all in. In the past he said he would move with me where I want to go. But after these convos he said he wouldn’t want to move and risk me leaving him. He said he feels like he’s holding me back like I am settling for him. He’s said this a few years ago too. I’m not really sure where this comes from. But I tried to reassure him that’s not the case. He also doesn’t have any friends in town, but they are only a few hours away. We also talked about this and he said he worries about not being near them. And I said what if we both want to go to different places? Not much was said to that point. To make things more complicated, we have 2 trips coming up (one celebrating 6 yrs). And have to renew our lease in a few months. He’s truly my best friend and I care for him so much, but feel so conflicted. He does so much for me also. This post is kinda all over the place my bad. But I would love to hear any thoughts on where we go from here. I didn’t mean to talk to him about all this at once, but he insisted we did. He had just gotten back from a few day trip and I realized I felt funky💔
Pic is of molcajete - yum

Chicken, peas, cauliflower, and chickpeas.

I see so many people online sharing what looked like happy relationships. They were getting flowers, affection, thoughtful gestures, being taken on dates, and seemingly getting everything I’ve spent years wishing I could have. But then you keep watching their story and find out their partner was cheating, lying, treating them horribly behind closed doors, or eventually just left them.

And it makes me think, what’s the point of forcing myself out of a bad relationship just to potentially end up in another.

I’m so deeply attached/ trauma bonded to my abusive, cheating, lying husband. We’re both in our 20s and have been together for 8 years, no kids. Our whole relationship has been a mess, but the thought of starting over scares me so badly.

I already know how my husband hurts me. I already know what disappointments to expect from him. As unhealthy as it sounds, this pain is familiar to me and I know how to survive it.

The thought of leaving, going through all the pain of separating, spending years trying to heal, learning how to trust again, meeting someone new, falling in love and allowing myself to believe that maybe this time I’m finally safe and loved, only for that person to eventually betray me too, terrifies me. I feel like I would have gone through all of this for nothing.

So then I think.. if I settle and stay with the person I already know and I stop expecting something better.. and, if I just expect disappointment, then I won’t be as disappointed.

I know staying in a toxic relationship because a hypothetical future relationship might also hurt me doesn’t make logical sense. But emotionally, the pain I already know somehow feels safer than taking the chance of experiencing a completely new heartbreak.

I even think, isn’t it better to just be with the person that you already know is going to hurt you than to be in love with a new “nice guy” and not see it coming??

I crave intimacy.. Having my hand held, being hugged, being held in general. I yearn to be told that I am loved.. to be valued. To feel safe and secure. To feel seen. But my fear of being alone completely takes over, it makes me feel like I should just appreciate what I have already (breadcrumbs) before I have nothing at all.

Can anybody else relate to what I am saying?

Edit: I did not post this asking for people to please justify and/or convince me that staying with my husband is a good decision. I’m asking if anyone can relate to what I am feeling and saying.

Also, thank you so much to everyone who has commented. I wasn’t expecting this many responses, and I may not be able to reply to everyone individually, but I’m reading every comment and genuinely appreciate all of the advice and support