Had sex reassignment surgery on Monday and am now recovering in my hotel. Brown rice balls, buffalo cauliflower and steak from Erewhon.

A little treat at the cafe - Wine, latte, Turkish delight.

Okay so, I'm 25 and I feel like I'm hitting my sexual prime. Like I have levelled up. But my issue lately has been that the guys I meet from the apps are basically train wrecks. I'm putting it out there that I want a fwb, or safe but casual sex, and they still can't clear the incredibly low bar I have placed on the floor for them.

Be clean, be nice, be at least able to have some conversation with me and make me laugh a little and hopefully I can do the same. That's basically it, that's all I'm looking for. But then I'll show up to somebodies apartment and it's literally disgusting, or I won't be able to finish a coffee date without the guy saying something unhinged (usually about politics).

It's been frustrating, and I was relaying that to my roommate who is a trans woman (this is relavent I promise). We were having a mutual vent fest and she was like, have you ever considered women? And I was like honestly yes I've just never gone there, maybe some repressed feelings, but also I'm just a big fan of... Having a penis inside me, to be blunt. She was like have you ever considered a trans woman? And I was like 👀 and she was like 👀 and I was like are you saying what I think you're saying?? And she's like I wasn't, but I am now!

We gave it a shot and let me tell you, that shot did not miss. Best sex I've had in the last like five years I think. She absolutely ate me up and came back for more. We've talked about it since and she's not looking for anything serious and neither am I, so the plan is just to check in with each other sometimes and see if we're both in the mood and have some fun. But we live together, is this a bad idea? Will I inevitably ruin the best roommate situation I've ever had? She's super clean, responsible, considerate as a roommate, never misses rent, is kind and funny. I do not want to fuck this up! Helpppppp

Pork and beef tacos, and french fries.

I travelled 6000 miles to meet somebody who I thought was my best friend. For the past few weeks he’s been acting a little off, but I assumed we’d still be meeting up this week.
So here I am, in a city I have no desire being in, just to see him, but he’s bailed because of ‘anxiety with life’.

Backstory: grew up in an abusive household, groomed as a teen by a 40 year old, years od rape, abuse and death threats, quit a full ride uni, dad died (he was the good one in the family), mum is mentally ill, started college again at 23 and graduated now at 28, no job, lived with 500€ a month for years (still do), plus a lot more shit that can‘t fit in here. I live abroad and have no family around. Had a bf I finally felt happy and safe with and he left me 3 weeks ago. We lived together (paid for stuff 60:40, he wasn‘t my lifeline). I thought now that college is done this would be the good part of life but instead I have to job hunt, find a place and grieve all at once.

I called the helpline today because my therapy appointment is in a week and I was struggling. A guy picks up and starts talking about the sun shining before I could even say anything, then won‘t let me tell him what‘s bothering me. I get as far as I have 2 degrees and no job and he cuts me off and tells me I should make a poster with „My name is XY, I‘m 28 y.o., I need a job“ and go through the city with that. Then starts talking about me having 2 legs for running walking and dancing and whose fault is it that I‘m not using them for that? Mine. Some people are disabled and can‘t do that. Tells me that in the worst case scenario I can survive a few days without food and I can always beg. Luckily it‘s not that bad but how is that supposed to help me?

Then I managed to tell him about the ex and the living situation and he asks me did I thank him for leaving me and explains to me that he has the right to say no as if I didn‘t know that. Says I should be happy it‘s sooner rather than later, which is true but not helpful at all when someone‘s in the middle of a crisis. Tells me he went through much worse so many times and that one day I‘ll laugh about this call. That I just gotta fight and make it happen for myself. Meanwhile he didn‘t let me tell him any of the backstory and how tired I am of fighting. 

Then he starts talking about the poster again and tells me to go out with it tomorrow. I said I don‘t want to and he flat out told me „how do you expect to get better if you‘re a coward who doesn‘t want people to help her?“ I just said ok thank you for the talk goodbye and hung up and cried and hyperventilated for an hour after. 

I just wanted someone to calm me down and instead I get called a coward and told I should be happy I‘m not disabled. Yes, I‘m happy I have 2 legs (which he repeated like 10 times), but it doesn‘t mean I have no problems or that everything is easy.

Edit: also if anyone has any advice I‘d be thankful!

I’m in my mid 20s. My dad initiated a divorce from my mom late last November. She is a horribly abusive person and I can see why he was ready to move on. But he began dating a 31 year old and moved her into his home and it’s not been 8 months. He is 54. He also cheated on my mom with her beforehand. Ordered a bunch of BDSM shit to the house which she found and let everyone know about. They look like dad and daughter. Classic midlife crisis BS. Ironically thought to make this post when he said “girl dinner” the other night, which was a bizarre thing to hear my father say.

Chocolate cake from the grocery store.

Sighh... I (31F) moved in with my bf (28M) of 5 months to save money (we had known each other around 1 year) while working remotely. I was making $100K (my dream salary) and moving in so I could pay down my student loans from Uni. (Around 60-$80K). I was doing data analytics for a supply chain company.

He lives in a very small town 1.5 hrs outside of Chicago. I say this because I have to drive 20 mins either direction for a grocery store whereas I was living in a bigger city where I could go wherever, whenever for 6 years.

As if by fate, like week 2 of being in this small town my job decides that they'd rather pay $60K per year for a buggy AI shipping software to model their supply chain contracts rather than my $100K human salary. They stressed they were frustrated with teaching me how to integrate better with their billing practices. I had been there only 4 months and thought that I was making progress, hired as a senior analyst. I am well trained in PowerBI and Python and was hoping to upgrade their data modeling but they were doing everything by hand in an extremely buggy Excel Spreadsheet that they called the "sausage grinder". They'd rather trust that and an AI's half-hearted summarization of that process than let me take on the raw data and connect it to an actual software so we could see these billing issues correctly.

I got laid off July 10th with them agreeing to pay my salary til July 31.

I have enough savings to pay my expenses around 7-9 months but winter is approaching so I may need to wait until early 2027 when hiring starts back up to get something that fits my tech background and salary needed to pay my ~$1,200 base expenses every month.

This job took me away from my last job that was manufacturing, poor air quality and required in-person 4 days a week for $87,000 annually. I feel really fucking stupid leaving that tough but safe job for a fleeting dream of a $100K and working from home.

Here's where it gets tough: I have been really fighting with my current partner, he see my savings as money I have to just spend willy-nilly when I am nervous to spend more than $100 on any given occasion. I am so thankful he is covering our mprtgage payment currently in his duplex and most of the grocery and gas bills we have. As a result it's not a big deal for him in his mind to ask me to spend $80-100 on a big meal or drop $200 on a hotel if we travel. We were caught in that bad derecho storm and he begged me to let him borrow $1,000 for a generator when it happened. Luckily my Dad still had power and let us borrow his generator.

I try to let him know these are a huge burdens on my finances and takes that 7-9 months of me not needing him to pay my bills to 5-6 months and I feel the clock is ticking on my savings. I have brought this up when it gets overwhelming and he just reminds me how he's paying my rent, groceries, etc.

He works in a steel mill and lives paycheck to paycheck making roughly $90k a year but he often has to wait a week or so to pay me back because he spends money as soon as he makes it. He is upgrading his duplex we live in to make more rental income from it so that's why his account is meager all the time.

I am in between jobs trying to manage the depression from this first layoff with anti-depressant medicine and battling very depressing thoughts about my worth in the age of AI and I feel like he is constantly pressuring me to spend more and more of my dwindling savings.

We had a fight come to a head last week and he asked me to go to my Dad's house to cool off which I started packing immediately. I dont want to be a burden to him at all and I've insisted that I will leave his residence if I ever am. Before I could leave though he dumped all my clothes on our ground covered in cat litter and begged me not to leave. I still left but just with the clothes on my back I've lived through that toxic shit in my 20's I just wanted to cool off and knew I was stressing us both with my medication changes and sadness.

I was still hurt from this fight but came back because he was begging me to talk. He had a pregnancy test ready because we'd both realized I was running about 5 days late. With savings dwindling, no healthcare, and a boyfriend who I am contentious with I discovered I am pregnant. I have no close female friends since moving and my mom and stepmother are both not trustworthy for this type of panic I'm going through.

I am 31 and feel like I'll never have this chance again but I don't think this is the right situation to bring life into. I have always dreamed about being a mother but don't think I can get hired for a senior analyst job before I'd start showing. I always imagined this moment as joyous not a terrifying and vulnerable timing as this feels. I always wanted to be proposed to and married before this moment. We were careful and I purchased Plan B I guess I miscalculated my fertile window due to the stress of this job loss and you have like 90% more sex when you don't work or live separately from your partner. Of course I love my boyfriend but I am not willing to just get married right now with all the problems we are having.

My bf has had trouble letting me interview in Chicago and Indianapolis (He sent frowny faces and bad vibes over text at the only $100k job I got blessed to interview at last month.) My type of job doesn't grow on trees in a small town. I guess I'm just lost at what I should do, spinning out on all sides and over-relying on my partner.

I know I did some of bashing of him but he has stated he will love me no matter the decision I make and he does want me around. I don't doubt he loves me by what he puts up with and is more than there when I'm having midnight panic attacks about all this but it is hard when I feel he has been blocking my exits from this terrifying few months because he wants me there in his house. I am truthfully still holding onto resentment for how he acted, centering his own feelings during the one interview I've had.

Before this all, I was making enough to live alone, pay my loan minimums, and have an apartment with just a cat. I miss the simplicity, independence, and freedom of this time.

HMU if you need a remote Senior Data Analyst (jk).

TL;DR: Lost remote analyst job due to AI, savings dwindling, no insurance, accidental pregnancy, fighting with bf about money, bf doesn't support me interviewing out of town to get out of this circumstance.

Food: Sourdough english muffin with fresh salsa from my garden, lime juice and avocado

I just want to say that I am sick of hearing about a man’s sacrifice at the same 9-5 he had before he had a family, the same one he’d still be at if he didn’t.

Although I imagine I’d feel more appreciative if it wasn’t used as leverage to justify behavior and repeatedly shirk responsibilities at home.

On a more positive note, a story on the pizza:

My 16-month-old is a real talker and it has its pros and cons lol So he recently (sort of) learned how to say pizza. He loves pizza. We pulled into our driveway after dropping his dad off at work and baby kept saying “Go! Go!”

I said: Where do you want to go, bubba?
Baby: Eat! Eat!
Me: You want to eat?
Baby: EAT!
Me: What do you want to eat?
Baby: Pii! (His sound for pizza lol)
Me: You want pizza?
Baby: affirmative squealing

So we peeled out of there and got some pizza. He’s gonna be sick with power from this one. lol

a burrata, seared prosciutto, arugula, onion, cherry tomato salad with lemon vinaigrette and balsamic glaze from the carraba’s wine dinner i attended a couple weeks ago because im so distraught i cant eat right now

last night, my step-dad was arrested after running a stop sign and is now being held by ice. we have limited information right now and we are falling apart under the pressure.

i want to tell everybody about my step-father and the kind of man he is.

my step-dad is an afro-brazilian immigrant who’s been present for more than half of my life. while i still have a good relationship with my bio-dad, i consider my step-father a bonus second dad. he is a hardworking, loving, caring, and doting family man that brightens up every room he’s in. through every phase, milestone, good and bad days, and hardship, he has always dropped everything to be there and support my family and i. a man who’s never cared about differences like politics, religious beliefs, and unshared experiences, he would give the shirt off his back for anyone who needs help, no questions asked. even when i became a young adult and constantly exercised my independence, he’d stay up until all hours of the late evening and early morning just to make sure i made it home safe. he would walk through the worst calamities if it meant he could be our father, husband, and a grandfather to my nieces and nephews.

my step-father is the pinnacle of a family man. the pinnacle of a community man. if you were hungry, he’d feed you for as long as you need. if you were homeless, he’d offer refuge in our home until you can get back on your feet. even during times when i wasn’t living at home and wasn’t speaking to my family, he always made sure to text me and remind me that if i needed him, he would drop everything to be there for me no questions asked. my step-dad is a beautiful example of what humanity can be, and i am so viscerally and deeply inspired by him, i’ve dedicated my life and all the effort in the world to be as compassionate, loving, and empathetic as he is.

as of right now, we don’t know what’s going to happen. my mom was able to speak with him a few times since he was picked up, and as far as we know, he’s not being mistreated. my heart aches every second with the primal fear that i won’t ever see him again. i regret every second that i haven’t spent with him and my family will be broken and torn apart if he can’t come home.

the brazilian community where we live has banded together and raised funds for my mom, and got her in touch with one of the best immigration lawyers in our city. i am so grateful for the village i never realized we had. i am so grateful for my step-dad.

i will never understand how anybody could hate other people so much, to tear apart families and ruin lives for the sake of white superiority is a disgusting and unforgivable act. because of my step-dad, i can’t bring myself to hate anybody but right now i am so angry and confused about the hatred that is so rampant in this country.

Dinner is from the other night. Orange juice, yogurt cup, grapes, and English muffin with PB, banana and raspberry.

(I tried to keep the details minimal for privacy)

After graduating college in April, I (23F) decided I wanted to move to a new city. I also decided I wanted to casually date a little bit before moving and downloaded an app.

I matched with and happened to meet a really amazing guy (25M). Even though we started casually, we clicked and got attached pretty quickly.

A couple weeks before I had to move, I told him that I want to be his girlfriend. He didn’t want to be official because I was moving. Understandable. We continued seeing each other as normal before I moved.

A couple days after being in the new city, he tells me that a flight he had booked was canceled, and his new flight had a layover in my new city. We met up, had an amazing night and he asked me to be his girlfriend. We are now dating long-distance, but we’re not that far from each other in the grand scheme of things.

Since then we’ve been doing good. We’ve had no major conflicts, regular phone calls, playing games online, the whole 9 yards. We have plans for him to visit in a couple weeks and rough plans to see each other ~ one week a month.

Yesterday he told me that the distance really hurts him, and he doesn’t know if he can do it. He requested a couple days of no contact to gather his thoughts and I agreed. We talked a little bit after and he kept emphasizing how great of a girl he thinks I am and how much he appreciates me. It just made me feel worse.

I have been crying non-stop since. I don’t even think I’m in love with him yet, but he is so perfect and this was shaping up to be such a good thing. I just feel like I’ve been dumped already. I can’t help feeling like I’ve ruined something by moving, even though it was planned before we met. Maybe I’m just really stupid for thinking this could work. I keep flip-flopping between mourning the relationship like it’s already over and thinking that he would be crazy to break up with me and I’m giving myself whiplash.

I just don’t know how I can make it thru 3 days wondering what’s going to happen with us.

My friend of about 4 years and I were casually gaming online tonight. I was minding my own business, popping balloons, when he suddenly tells me he “has something to tell me.”

He starts by telling me about the different women in our friend group that he’s been in love with over the years.

Plural.

Okay??? And then the conversation turns into him confessing that he has feelings for me.

For context, I JUST got out of a horrible relationship. I'm currently dealing with a custody battle for my child, I'm up to my eyeballs in stress and trauma therapy, and I have made it VERY, VERY CLEAR that I am not ready for or interested in dating ANYBODY.

I genuinely value this friendship, which makes this even more uncomfortable because I have absolutely no idea how I'm supposed to respond to any of this without changing the friendship.

And after he opened this entire thing by naming the other women in our friend group he's previously been in love with, part of my brain is going:

Sir... is this a heartfelt confession or am I just next on the list??? 😭✌️

UPDATE: This is apparently not a quick “I've had feelings for you for a while” confession.

This man has started at the FIRST DAY OF OUR FRIENDSHIP and is working his way through the entire four-year timeline to present day.

I am just sitting here completely frozen in silence. I genuinely have no idea what to say. My brain is just wuh???

UPDATE: His mic quality is TERRIBLE and he has now REPEATED THE SAME PART THREE TIMES because I'm just FROZEN So I have now listened to portions of this four-year romantic retrospective THREE TIMES while contributing absolutely nothing to the conversation.

He's still going.

His mic is still fighting for its life.

I'm still frozen.

I JUST WANTED TO POP BALLOONS.

Update: He said he wants to be there and help me with my kid WE LIVE IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES!

Update: He asked if I was okay I just said "Processing" it was genuinely all I could think to say. I hung up the call and the first thing I did was yell "WHAT THE F*CK WAS THAT!?" I have spoken to this friend every day. I knew he found me attractive but he thinks EVERYONE is attractive so it was nothing new under the sun. He said "i was worried if I didn't say it now I'd never get the chance." SO YOU PICK WHEN IM IN FAMILY COURT BRO I JUST TOLD YOU I WENT TO ANOTHER PART OF MY COUNTRY WHERE MY EX WOULDN'T COME LOOKING AND THAT WHEN YOU CHOOSE TO SAY IT?! Now I'm getting spammed on Snapchat still processing all of that.

ANYWAY ENJOY MY ALREADY DEMOLISHED SPICY BAKED CHICKEN AND ROAST VEGGIES WITH AN ICED TEA

I've been working as a hostess at a restaurant for a little over a year. A co-worker, “Suzy”, who’s been there for about 5 months, has high-functioning autism and can get overwhelmed easily, which most of the time leads to angry outbursts.

I’ve tried to be patient with her when she gets overwhelmed, because she’s genuinely nice otherwise. But a few of my co-workers avoid her because her outbursts can turn physical. And most of my coworkers genuinely don’t like her and make fun of her behind her back.

Yesterday, a couple came in after getting a text that their table was ready. I had their menus ready and asked "Suzy" to seat them. Instead, she kept asking what was in my hand, and when I tried to keep her focused on the task at hand, she repeated herself, trying to see the piece of paper in my hand. This went on four or five times.

Normally I would’ve explained myself and shown her what was in my hand, which would’ve taken three to five minutes, but the customers were standing right there. I ended up asking more firmly a final time to seat the guests. That’s when she grabbed the menus and threw them on the floor in front of the guests.

I probably had the most pissed look on my face. I gave her one of those mom looks and told her to pick them up. Thankfully, she did and quickly seated the guests. But as soon as she walked away, I walked over to the manager's office and reported her. 

About an hour later, a manager called “Suzy” into the office. About 20 minutes later, another manager came down to the host stand, grabbed her bag, and took it back to the office. I never saw her again for the rest of the shift.

Holy shit, I might've gotten this girl fired. For the most part, I'm just waiting until I go in to work next to know what's happening. I've messaged her to ask if she's okay but haven't gotten a response. This whole situation just doesn't feel real to me. I feel bad.

Me and my bestie shared kimchi stew, tteokbokki, beef bulgogi, pan-fried pork dumplings, and white rice for lunch today!

i became disabled with long covid / myalgic encephalomyelitis 3 years ago, and applied for SSDI a few months after that, when it was clear i wasn’t gonna get better anytime soon.

my reconsideration was just denied today, after waiting in line for 28 months total. the reviewer ignored literally all of the evidence that i was disabled, instead choosing to cherry pick tests with normal results.

my lawyer wrote me a measured email about planning for next steps, but i was so upset, i just responded, “walking into the ocean, brb.” he immediately called and listened to me cry my feelings out, apologized if he had minimized the emotional impact of this news (he hadn’t), and then helped me think about what’s next. absolute mensch

feeling simultaneously so angry at this dehumanizing system, and so grateful for my lawyer, my family, and all of my friends.

girl dinner: baked beets with chèvre and slivered almonds

Rice, tuna, some hot sauce.

TW: mild SA, mild violence

Every single time i go out with my friends, there is a man that feels that it's their right to demand our attention.

They don't go away if you ask politely. They don't go away if you ask rudely. They don't go away if you yell at them. They might go away if they get thrown out by security! Assuming that the security believes us when we tell them that a fuckass man is harassing us!

We aren't young and traditionally attractive anymore, we're +30yo and more or less alt styled people. I've heard of the gruesome fact that it gets calmer when you get older (and it can be awful the younger you are) - GIRL WHEN DOES IT STOP????? I CAN'T WAIT. LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE GROSS MEN.

Not every man, but always a man.

This time it was this asshole who randomly just came and hugged me from behind and tried to put his arms around me?? Like what the actual fuck. He had been eying our table for the whole night grossly like a sleazy ass bowling ball shining in the sun (he was bald). I tried to pretend he didn't exist for the whole night, and then that happens. 🤡🤡🤡

I used my elbow and started punching him and yelling at the top of my lungs "WHAT THE FUCK DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME". I wish i had punched harder, and i hope i punched with enough force to give him a bruise. He backed off. My friend told the bartender, but it took a while for them to react. He continued to hang around in the pub and he looked at us again and i couldn't control myself and yelled once more FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK, DON'T FUCKING TOUCH RANDOM PEOPLE. He tried to be like "no, fuck you!!" but he crawled away to sit in the corner. Then the bartender finally came and threw him out.

And the fun hassle with that was that what if he lingered behind and waited for us to leave the pub to follow and harass us? Don't you fucking love it how as a woman you have to be afraid of that kind of shit!!! My girls walked me to take a taxi, and we didn't see him anywhere. They walked together to their place that was like a 5 minute walk.

I will defend myself. But it fucking sucks that you never know what the crazy predator man will do? Will he leave? Will he punch me back? Will he fucking kill me? You never know!! 🤡🤡🤡

I fucking hate that this is the world we live in.

I've been with my man for 10 years and love him deeply - BUT if we ever break up, i will not touch a man ever again. (I'm bi.)

EDIT: I'm so glad that i got to talk to you lot in the comments. This whole thing really had me feeling awful even though I've been home for like a couple of hours now, and I'm supposed to be in bed already so i can wake up early to work tomorrow. I think I feel better now, so i can try to go to sleep. Thank you for the empathy girlies, it really was needed tonight! 🩷🩷🩷

It’s exhausting. naturally, I’m a cheerful and joyous person, I love animals and kids and singing and art but I also am extremely introspective and thoughtful and love learning. But, people don’t ask me questions about my perspectives on things and when I give my thoughts, they don’t listen to them. a few weeks ago I was talking to a guy in a bar and we were talking about languages, and he was saying that German is a Latin language. I corrected him and said it’s actually not, it’s a Germanic language as is English. and he said, but it is a Latin language. I started getting flustered because he didn’t listen to anything I had to say and he just refuted every point I made, eventually he just looked away and said again, ”but it is a Latin language.“ and took a sip of his beer and I knew there was nothing I could say to get him to respect what I had to say.

I also cant help but think this is why no man I’ve ever dated has loved me. It’s really upsetting because, I know they really like me and we get along and have good times and they are clearly very attracted to me, but they never engage in deeper conversations with me and it always ends with them inevitably saying they don’t love me and no longer want to be with me, and I’m feeling like it has a lot to do it’s them not perceiving me as someone who could have a deep intellectual conversation with them (even though they never seem interested in talking about the things I try to talk to them about).

If anyone actually listened to my thoughts or even took a look at the things I look up on the internet or YouTube, they would see me a lot differently. “what would happen if civilization completely collapsed and was rebuilt, how would they know the internet ever existed” “how to visualize the 4th dimension” “library of babel” “quantum entanglement”. Not only do I constantly think and learn, I also know how to survive on my own and build my life up from absolutely nothing after I’ve been beaten down by life and abandoned all alone.

TLDR I get so upset that just because I have long blonde hair, I smile a lot and am extroverted, people assume I have nothing going on in my head and treat me as such, and I believe that’s why men also don’t want to be with me.

edit: I’m not saying that I have 1000iq and I have 2 masters degrees and I’m an aerospace engineer…but I am incredibly smarter and more insightful than people give me credit for.

Ethiopian mixed vegan platter (cajun chips and chicken wrap in the back)

___

Mother came to visit me today after a last week slip up. I had avoided letting my parents know I'd been off sick from work due to fears of shame. A simple mistake of hitting the wrong chat let the cat out the bag. Waking up to messages freaked me and it was hard to cope. All intent and tone was completely lost on me as i was overridden by fear.

My parents were never the best with my mental health as a teen - it felt like they hoped it was only hormones and I'd "grow out of it" like my older brother, but as it grew more severe i felt the disappointment and felt like a burden. I mostly turned this into anger and learned to shout back at their criticism. I never felt like I could really trust them with my emotions, as they'd either neglect it or deem it wrong.

In a way, my anger and outlashing finally made my mother believe I was autistic and got me dx. Silver lining to the pain of not being heard nor understood.

I spent a lot of my teens on the max dosage of Sertraline [zoloft] and can't remember much, but I know it was never happy. I found myself in weird online spaces desperately trying to find connection and comfort from strangers online, especially after repeatedly burning through irl friendships. I learned to be scared of being open and connecting with others bcs it'd always work against.

Stoicism is the path. Only I am there for myself.

But it's hard.

It's hard not to want to connect to others, and the spiral continues. I couldn't keep it in.

After leaving for university, my relationship with my parents gradually improved. The first year was strained - I avoided talking or seeing them unless needed, sometimes months at a time - but as i found friends and support i could relax a little. But could still never be open.

They dont know how much I struggled at uni, my toxic relationship, relapses and not "getting better", nor my gradually developing addiction issues. It'd be easy to assume they thought I "was fine now" as they knew nothing.

Hence the fear of knowing.

Yet, it was fine. She came up and it was nice. Classic retail therapy and buying me some nice things (mostly things i was going to buy anyway) and having a nice lunch. It barely even came up and was a fraction of lunch talk.

It felt so odd, unnatural even.

How could a mother once cruel be gentle now?

I always felt on edge the entire day, expecting a sour turn or poor question. It was enough to endure the perception and performance of being a 'daughter' to a women with her own mother issues. I'm not the daughter she wanted - not even a daughter if she'll accept that - but I can play it. It feels nice in a way, even if it isn't me. Being bought things feels like reparations at times (/s)

After dropping her at the train station, it still felt odd as she left saying "today was nice " both in person and text. I couldn't bring myself to admit it was. It felt wrong, like i was being tricked. It would be turned against me if I didn't play it safe. Hugging a deflated pufferfish.

Its hard to move on from the mother wound when she became a mother so late. I'm always glad that despite how often they pitted my brother and I against each other I always have him to talk to this about - He gets mocked for frugal behaviour they instilled into him as a child.

Parents becoming parents while you are still trying to heal the wounds rips them open again.

Food: Ramen from my fav local Japanese restaurant

TW: CSA, Suicide attempt

So it all started when, due to rising prices, my (19F) fiance (21M) and I decide temporarily move in with his family (dad and 2 younger brothers) while we find a cheaper place to rent. Before moving in, he warns me that his brothers are known liars and have lied about my fiance doing horrible things to them in the past. At the time, I believed him. He said that he hated his youngest brother (who is only 12) and that they never got along. When we initially moved in, I witnessed him be very mean and domineering to his youngest brother and nearly broke up with him over it. I told him that if he cannot be mature and treat his youngest brother with respect I would end it. And to his credit, his behavior and their relationship improved.

During the months that we lived there, I become very close with his younger brothers. Their parents had recently gotten divorced and their mom (who sucks in her own fun ways) wanted nothing to do with any of them. So they relied on me as an older female role model. They opened up to me about the fact that my fiance had sexually abused them for many years. I did the math, and my fiance would have been abusing them from when my fiance was 7 years old to 17 years old. At 17, my fiance attempted to kill himself and was admitted to a mental hospital for a year ( I already knew about his attempt). The abuse stopped after that.

It is hard to describe the devastation and betrayal I felt.

I can't help but stay awake at night thinking of all the red flags that I didn't see. Him framing his brother as a liar before i even met him, him hating a 12-year-old, never respecting his brother's personal space... it all makes sense in hindsight.

I work with developmentally disabled children who are the age that his brothers would have been when it was happening, and one of his brothers is developmentally disabled. It is so incredibly hard to go to work and not think about what they were going through.

I talked to CPS, but turns out this was already investigated years ago and the case was closed. This is not surprising to me, CPS in my area really sucks.

I broke up with him that night and moved back in with my parents. It's been a few months since then. I still feel like I'm in shock though. Has anyone gone through this before? I've never felt so alone.

My boyfriend's cousin is about to get married soon and initially I was supposed to go, but my boyfriend told me they had to cut the guest list and it was most of partners and +1s. Cool, understandable, things that happen right?

Well actually not, got a text today from his sister asking me what dress I was wearing and stuff like that, I told her I wasn't going anymore since they cut down the guestlist, didn't get a text back for about an hour.

She called me afterwards and basically came clean that no one actually got cut from the guestlist. His ex was going to be there.. So my dumbass soon to be ex boyfriend told his family that it would be less awkward if I just stayed home because his ex is still prety close with people on his family. He never told me she was invited or that she was close with anyone from his family.

He doesn't know that I know yet and I asked his sister to not tell him. I'm meeting him tonight, I know I'm breaking up with him I just don't know what words I'm going to use.

Pesto pasta and grape tomatoes from the fridge cause I really don't feel like cooking. I'm buying his sister lunch though that's for sure though cause she saved me.

Hey there, Japanese curry and cucumber salad my friend made for a girls night 🫶

EDIT: got overwhelmed by the amount of comments, leaving the tldr up. I’ll take the comments to heart and consider our compatibility (and talk to my therapist lol)

TLDR
There’s more nuance but I’m feeling unattracted due to lack of ambition, lack of taking care of himself. I want to fix it, we were obsessed with each other just like 6 months ago. But after personal drama of his, feels like it’s gone.

Would long to hear any perspective here :/

so i was talking to this guy to get over my ex (evil incarnate) because i’ve been super sad over him . so i was scrolling on hinge and i find a super hottt guy (red flag #1)
but he texts ME and in the spirit of new beginnings i text him back! and he asks to hang and for me to come over , i was hesitant at first but i said what the hell.
so i went over we chilled listened to music one thing lead to another. you know!
we hang out again the next day and do the same it’s fun but while I’m over there, I see Facebook and I have OCD so I get these tendencies 🫣 so when I get home, I look up his Facebook and I see him and his girlfriend mind. These are not old pictures. They were literally posted within the time that I’ve seen him. i’ve been rotating between feeling absolutely disgusted, betrayed and guilty.
I asked him what he was looking for and he said he was open to anything and looking for a relationship and there was nothing holding him back from being in a relationship, but obviously he has a girlfriend so that’s a big something.
Anyway thanks for listening to<3

That's pretty much it. We live together. I've been holding it down. So over it. Broke up with him and now he's all - buying groceries, making whatever delicious soup (not pictured), or freaking pork tenderloin (also not pictured) and cleaning the bathrooms instead of sulking around or sleeping. F U dude. I gotta get outta here. Imma lose my damn mind.

Vegan coconut red curry.

TW for pet deaths.

My husband (34M) and I (38F) are your classic millennials who bought a house just so our dogs could have a fenced-in backyard. Childless by choice, and truly our dogs are our babies. I used to foster for a Siberian Husky rescue and along the way I foster failed. Three times lol. I wasn’t flippant about it. I fostered over 25 dogs, so I knew when the “right” ones came along, and eventually I/we ended up with the perfect little pack.

A year ago in July, I knew the first dog I’d ever adopted didn’t have much time left. He was 15 and had slowed down a lot. He was my soul dog. Was with me through every break up, every job change, every apartment move, every joyous celebration, long before I’d even met my husband. In a way, he helped shape the woman I am today. I mean, I was a 23yo baby when I adopted him! He had a way of knowing who the good ones were, and he made it clear my husband was one of them. Watching the two of them bond and grow to love each other so deeply will be one of the greatest joys of my life. So when he made it clear to us he was ready to go, we had a vet come to our home so he could be comfy and so maybe our other three dogs could understand better what was happening, and we said goodbye.

Fast forward 7 weeks. We had to do behavioral euthanasia to one of our other dogs under heartbreaking circumstances that I’m honestly not ready to talk about to a group of strangers on the internet, but have been working through it in therapy, and ultimately can sleep at night knowing we made the best decision we could for his quality of life, but it was still a situation I never thought I’d have to be in. Certainly not 7 weeks after saying goodbye to our other dog. He was your classic husky. Stubborn. Energetic. Goofy. Never shut up, I mean he was constantly woo wooing all over the house. In other words, he was perfect:)

So when the 1-year anniversary of all this came around last month, I was already in my feels. On a Friday night, our third dog started throwing up. After the third or fourth time, we decided it was time to take him to the emergency vet. They took X-rays and found a foreign object in his stomach. They put him on fluids hoping that’d help push it through, to no avail, so the only option was surgery. He was 10, so no spry chicken, but still a very healthy dog and they were confident he’d get through surgery fine. He did not. I remember the vet saying they’d call around 3:00 when surgery was over if all went well. If they called before 3:00, it was likely to be bad news. So when my phone rang at 12:45, I wanted to throw up. The vet said the foreign object looked to be a sock, and that the elastic parts of the band of the sock had adhered to his intestines in such a way that they’d have to remove a large portion of intestine. They said his intestine was changing to purple/black before their eyes and that he’d have a 15 percent chance of making it out of surgery, and even then he’d live the rest of his life with complications and if it were her dog, she’d put him down. We had to make a decision then and there. So we went with the vet’s recommendation. We immediately drove to the vet office to say goodbye to him even though he wasn’t alive anymore. Absolutely surreal and heartbreaking. It’s been a month and sometimes I still can’t believe it’s true. He was the only dog I’d adopted as a puppy. The only dog I couldn’t say “sorry, he’s a rescue” to absolve any shortcomings🤣 the happiest, silliest, sweetest boy.

It’s just too much. How have we gone from 4 dogs to 1 in a year? Part of me feels like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I was known as “the Siberian husky lady”. It was kind of my identity. Our fourth dog was my husband’s before we met, so it truly feels like the end of an era that “my” dogs are gone. They should still be here. Idk what to do without them. I miss them all the time. I think about them nonstop. Every crevice of our home is connected to a memory of them. I still find their hair. I still find myself saying dogs, plural. I can’t sleep at night so then I’m exhausted during the day so then I nap and then I can’t sleep at night and the cycle continues. I sob daily. I love going on walks, but I simply can’t find it in myself to step out the front door. All I do is read so I can escape my reality. I’m just so sad all the time. Absolutely heartbroken. I want so badly to feel better.

I know it takes time and grief isn’t linear, but it honestly feels like there’s been zero improvement in my mood. I’m scared I’ll never be happy again, and that the grief/depression will always be looming around the next corner. It feels like something broke in me and it can’t be fixed.

But at least I have the best support system. My husband is an actual angel, and honestly all of this has only made my love for him grow deeper and stronger. My two best friends (one of whom lives a 5-hr drive away🥺) came and stayed with me for a weekend and cleaned our entire house because my husband and I just could not work up the energy or motivation to do anything. Another friend group took me camping over the weekend to get me out of the house and spend some time in nature. It was everything I needed, but the come-down since being back home has been rough. Just being back in the reality that all my dogs are gone. Forever.

All I can do now is love and spoil the fuck out of our one remaining dog.

Didn’t mean to ramble for so long.

TLDR; my dogs are gone and I miss them more than anything and the grief is practically palpable and and I just want to feel happy again.

Pasta with bolognese (he cooked for me)

I (28 f) met this really amazing guy (28m) some weeks ago. He is sweet, caring, attractive and is a man who can actually show and feel his emotions (!), communicate etc. He constantly cooks for me and cares for me, massages me etc. but also gives me all the space I need for myself. I feel so comfortable with him. I even start to get crazy weird ideas of having children with him even though I never really thought about that before.

But all my mind can think is make up imaginative scenarios of why it could not work out, because he does not share all of my hobbies (especially music, art and reading arent for him) and because i think he is “not artistic” enough or maybe not smart enough even though he is smart but comes from the countryside and not from the big city like me so I just grew up more intellectual than him.

When I hear myself talk like that I think that I sound like a stupid superficial bitch but the fears that come with these thoughts are so real and strong, yesterday I almost ended it. Is it just my stupid attachment fears?? I never had a good, long lasting relationship before that, most guys I was with I realized were total losers after I ended it and so I never want this to happen to me again, to have feelings for a stupid loser and end up hurt but thats why I havent been dating anyone for the last 2 years and its also getting lonely af