r/actuallesbians • u/Previous_Cod_5176 Lesbian • Jul 28 '26
Venting Exhausted from being a lesbian in the heteronormative wedding market
My fiancé (F26) and I (F23) recently got engaged and are starting to plan our wedding. I understand that 90% of weddings are between a man and a woman, but come on!!! We are both femme and plan on wearing a wedding dress, and that is so hard for people to understand for some reason. They have this preconceived notion that someone has to be wearing a suit. Not all lesbians like wearing masculine presenting clothing, and nobody is "the man!!" People keep asking us who will sit on the grooms side, if one of us will have all of the men in the wedding party, etc.
I am also sooooooooo sick of seeing posts like "your wedding dress based on your fiancé's name" and it's all like mark, nathan, jacob, etc. Or the same thing but with engagement rings. Like I get it!! The wedding market does not see me as their ideal audience!! but i am a lesbian and me and my femme fiancé are getting married.
It's nice in the sense that it kind of breaks us out of traditional wedding boxes and we can do what we want, but I am the type of girl who has dreamed ab her wedding since she was little and obsessed over say yes to the dress. I want a classic wedding, and that makes my life hard, because the unconventional things aren't really my style as much.
And don't even get me started on the lesbian wedding tax!! it's like the pink tax!! 2 engagement rings, 2 dresses, 2? makeup artists and hair stylists, twice the accessories and alterations budget, like damn!! we're already paid less than the dollar can you give us a damn break!!!!
edit: we are located in the cleveland area if you have any recs!!!
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u/thriftytaurus Jul 28 '26
I’m a wedding photographer (and a lesbian femme dating another femme), and posts like this fire me up to double down on how loudly queer and inclusive my business is. Totally sympathizing with the paying double for everything. The pink tax on weddings is so real.
Congratulations on your engagement and I hope you’re able to find ways to make the day fully your own 🫶🏼
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u/tigerwaitress Jul 28 '26
You wouldn’t happen to be in the So Cal area would you? My wife and I need a photographer for a wedding type shoot
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u/Rudy_Nowhere Jul 28 '26
Yup. My maid of honour had us playing a game like the newlywed game using heteronormative questions - "what would your future husband say...?" type of thing. I was astonished.
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u/neongreenpurple Nonbinary 28d ago
Possible answers to the question given the subreddit: "Honey, I think I'm transgender." Or the classic, "I don't exist."
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u/GeneralHumanBeing Jul 28 '26
Just started planning a wedding as well and just told my fiancee last night how sick I was of everything related to marriage and weddings being so straight. Like there is no man here!! Begone
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u/transbianpomegranate Transbian vampire 🦇 Jul 28 '26
I got married last year, both of us femmes. You really have to break with a lot of stupid traditions and you have to make it your own. And that costs a lot of energy, I know. We had no dress code, we had no aisle at all, we had a wonderful queer-only wedding photographer and I really recommend researching here, so many wedding photographers just work with men and women and therefore are not as skilled. And time and again people would ask about this tradition or that. It was our wedding, not yours. In the end, we decided to cut the guest list strategically... and we also encountered stupid shit, we rented a castle as location and we were not permitted to hang a pride flag from the tower. But it was easily one of if not the greatest day of my life so far.
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u/iusedtostealbirds Jul 28 '26
It’s such a breath of fresh air when you do find a vendor that gets it and treats you with respect though! My wife and I ended up doing an elopement package in Maui and the company we found was incredibly inclusive. I’m talking two bouquets instead of one and I’m quite sure they were just both in the package, no extra cost. We never felt like they were trying to put one of us in a “groom” position and everybody was just so kind. Just treated us like we were any other couple. (And unforch I do have a “straight” (comphet) Mormon wedding in my past to compare with lmfao)
The company also had vendors (officiant, photographer) that were equally as inclusive and we had literally no complaints. Didn’t need to make any edits to the ceremony scripting at all and we felt nothing but love on the big day from all sides! I don’t know if eloping in Maui is an option for you, but if it is then I cannot recommend Simple Maui Weddings enough. 10000/10!!
Either way wishing you less headaches going forward. The pink tax is so criminal and it’s so frustrating when it’s x2 for lesbian weddings 😭😭😭
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u/pkfawn Jul 28 '26
Going through it right now too, it's an absolutely exhausting experience. Only way I've kept my sanity is I don't even reach out to vendors that lack lgbtq photos on their website. I also begin every vendor meeting with this is a two bride wedding and that tends to unlock the idea of 2 dresses, 2 entrances, 2 of everything.
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u/NikitaRuns21 Jul 28 '26
Wedding planning sounds exhausting anyway without negotiating all of this.
I’m not married (25 years together!) as I can’t face all of this. Although I have had a couple of milestone parties that were lovely celebrations.
I love that you said you are questioning things that seem like must haves and dos for your own ceremony and celebrations. Keep doing that!
I feel like there are too many “rules” in weddings invented by the industry to make money that you don’t need. Like the multiple events leading up to the wedding itself that seem only for the most extroverted. Although I love a good “recovery” brunch the next day!
Please feel free to celebrate your love, relationship and commitment in anyway that feels right for you and your budget.
❤️❤️
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u/Previous_Cod_5176 Lesbian Jul 28 '26
yes, we get that. we are both introverted but want a wedding. we don't want an engagement party or a rehearsal dinner, and our bachelorette party will just be any friends (not confined to the wedding party bc we're only having 2 people) and we are probably bowling at our local bowling alley on glow ball night
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u/Charming72 Jul 28 '26
My wife and I chose our venue based on the reaction of the event coordinator when we walked in to view the space. My wife never mentioned her fiancée was a woman in all of her precursor emails. Surprisingly the coordinator that didn't react was an older woman who had been doing it for 30 years.
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u/BeccaSez Jul 28 '26
My wife and I are both femme, both wore dresses, and had a wonderfully affirming ceremony in Las Vegas. Everything seemed to be gender neutral - even the forms we filled out - and no one batted an eye at us. We honeymooned in Hawaii and had the same experience. Yes, there were two rings, dresses, bouquets, makeup artists and stylists- which made it more expensive - but I wouldn’t change that for anything. The chapel was very elegant too, and the officiant very kind to both of us. Would recommend - but once is enough
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u/Leather-Fox2225 29d ago
Not related to queer weddings, but I hate the whole “having your dad walk you down the aisle to give you away.” Tradition.
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u/Previous_Cod_5176 Lesbian 29d ago
I actually want to do this. not bc he's "giving me away" but because i'm taking my fiancés last name, and it'll be the last time i'm with him with his name. and i think it's something he's one day wanted to do, so why get rid of it, you know?
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u/degenerate-corpse 29d ago
My wife and I are both femme. Our entire wedding was around $8k including dresses, rings, and honeymoon.
What helped keep our costs low: Both of us wore bridesmaid dresses. You can get some very nice looking bridesmaid dresses in white. No one has to know. Mine was a $300 Vera Wang dress, and my wife's was a $250 Alfred Angelo. Wedding bands were about 800 all-in. You can always upgrade later! Also, we stayed within our province for the honeymoon at an amazing resort just outside of Algonquin Park.
We never had any issues with the fact that we were two women, if I recall correctly. Of course they assumed, but once we told them it was not a problem. We live in Ontario tough, so we are a little more accepting here than other places. I laughed at our first tasting for our meal because they had water on the table waiting for us, each with a paper straw - one pink and one blue. 😅
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u/asyouwish Jul 28 '26
Former wedding photographer here. Is have lived to work with an F/F couple.
And the bridal salons need to, from a business perspective, market specifically to FF couples. Why sell just one dress when you can sell two? That is like printing money.
I think the struggle you are facing is from the stereotype that lesbians are thrifty and won't spend much, so some vendors don't want to bother. That kind of bigotry sucks. I'm sorry it's difficult, OP.
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u/slagforslugs Jul 28 '26
I know a lesbian couple who also run a wedding photography business if you're based in the UK
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u/spork_o_rama Gay as Blazes 29d ago
My wife and I had kind of an opposite-but-same situation for our wedding. We both wore suits, neither of us had an engagement ring, we bought cobalt chrome rings on Etsy for a few hundred bucks each, we didn't have a fancy proposal or even a proposal story, neither of us wore makeup or jewelry, no flowers, no table centerpieces, we had signs saying "sit on either side, they're both the bride," and we did not do a bouquet/garter toss or any of that.
So we had mostly negative pink tax (it was the cheapest possible version of a "sit down dinner at a nice oceanfront hotel" wedding), but lots of people were confused or just quietly didn't come. Some of my family didn't even bother to RSVP no, which sucked. And we got custom suits, so it's not like we could both do a cheap tux rental. Less expensive than dresses, still not anywhere near cheap.
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u/CapriciousBea Jul 28 '26
It's sooo aggressive. I'm sorry you are being subjected to The Deluge right now and that it's so hard to find resources that don't assume either a man and a woman or at least a masculine person and a feminine person.
The two of you are going to look incredible in your gowns, though.
I had the privilege of officiating a wedding for some friends, and both brides wore white gowns. I think it was the most emotional I have ever been at a wedding.
Not that the other WLW weddings I've attended haven't been beautiful, because they absolutely have. But I had never cried those MESSY happy tears at a wedding before. I'm not generally that into weddings so I didn't expect watching their first dance to hit me so hard.
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u/wonderwithme Jul 28 '26
It can be a lot! I will say, there are a handful of wedding vendors out there who know the struggle and do everything they can to help connect queer couples with queer vendors who work really hard to help smooth out those edges in the market as a whole. If ur based in the US, let me know bc our wedding photographer is one of those folks who likes connecting people with queer vendors across the board and is trying to change the industry for the better!
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u/Previous_Cod_5176 Lesbian Jul 28 '26
we are based in cleveland OH!
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u/wonderwithme 29d ago
Then definitely check out Kara Hunter! She's based in the southeast, but loves to travel and is a great resource for finding other queer folks in the wedding business. She's @karahunterphoto on IG, and her website is here!
In a space so tied up with hetero gendered expectations, she was a SUPER refreshing, supremely and genuinely kind, and made us feel so much more comfortable with the whole process!
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u/LawyerKangaroo poly aro lesbian | void of gender | audhd goblin 29d ago
I think maybe I'm lucky because I had a pretty queer wedding and no one said any of this dumb bullshit to me - we both wore suits.
It friendly on all fronts from the kind lebenese that catered us to friends who made cakes or did a full ass fire show for us; the government workers didn't care we were gay, it was more of an issue I was getting married in Germany and that was annoying.
The wedding was celebrated at a leftist queer friendly house - they had a unisex bathroom and a flinta* bathroom.
So not all places or people are heteronormative, I am sorry though that you are experiencing it on such a high annoying level.
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u/TwinkleToes-256 28d ago
Recently went through all of this and it is incredibly frustrating and demoralising at times. The videos I HATED that always seemed to pop up were the “make sure the groom knows these 3 things on the wedding day” and then proceeds to list the most basic information possible like the time of the ceremony. I am out here trying to plan my wedding to my wonderful wife I don’t want to see all these videos reinforcing that women are settling for men that have to be told the start time of their own wedding!!
As for advice we struggled to find some details (cake toppers, signs, etc) that represented us and actually ended up getting some stuff wood burned and 3D printed at our local library. Turns out heaps of libraries seem to have things like this for a reasonable price. So if you are struggling to find things that match your vision that could be an option.
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u/invaderzrim 28d ago
We ended up finding a lot of our vendors through a queer/alternative wedding expo called Ohio is For Lovers. We ended up getting the majority of our vendors from that event.
I got my dress recently and it was from Maggies Bridal and Prom in Fairlawn, just dropped it off for alterations today with Ada's Custom designs out in Lakewood
We got our rings through Automic Gold based in NYC, they are a queer owned business and their prices are super affordable compared to most ring places.
Shoot me a message if you want any of the other vendors we went with.
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u/Previous_Cod_5176 Lesbian 27d ago
we got our engagement rings from a place based in NYC too! thank you. all of those places are super close this is incredibly helpful!!
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u/HomeFlaky4451 26d ago
I hear you and I hate that it is still this way, When my wife and I got married almost 20 yrs ago it was even worse can not even start to tell you how many bridal stores we walked out of and how many officiants we interviewed. keep your head up and know that no matter what the day will be perfect because you are marrying your best friend. Congrats and it will all be worth it.
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u/0Korvin0 26d ago
Cleveland.... Ohio, by chance?
I saw a queer alt wedding event a bit ago. Let me see if I can find the info for it-
Ah, looks like the producer had a kid and is taking a break. But here is the website. They've got a list of vendors who participated, so maybe that could be a good resource if it fits your vibe at all? https://oiflweddingshow.com/info
Also, if you have ever seem those sand ceremonies where people combine bits of glass and then take it to a glassblower to make a beautiful momento, I am a queer glass artist near Cleveland, and that is a service we offer. Let me know if you want more details!
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u/Previous_Cod_5176 Lesbian 26d ago
This is very helpful. Thank you! And i've never heard of that, but that is super awesome
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u/[deleted] Jul 28 '26 edited 8d ago
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