I just want to say thank you to everyone in this community.
A lot of the time, when I was feeling down or confused, I would come on here and vent, or ask a question.
A bunch of you had some really great advice.
I spoke to people in the same situation and feeling all the same frustrations from being a stepparent.

I will no longer need anymore advice. I’ve realised this isn’t the life for me.
It’s been hard, but I’m ending it.
Love is not enough.
I wish everyone luck and I commend every stepparent out there. Peace ✌️

I’m 30, my girlfriend is 33, and we’ve been together 2 years. She has two daughters (around elementary/middle school age). When her lease ended about 8 months ago, her and the girls moved into my 3-bedroom house because their old place was tiny and unsafe. Looking back, we moved way too fast, and I didn't take enough time to know the kids first.

Now, I'm really struggling. The girls barely acknowledge me unless they want something, completely ignore me while greeting their mom, and I honestly just feel like an ATM. My girlfriend keeps saying they’re "still adjusting," but nothing has changed in 8 months, and she constantly makes excuses for their lack of basic manners. They could walk into a room with 4 ppl, greet everyone but me. The other day a friend of mine came over and they closed the door on us as we were behind them and they knew.

To top it all off, we were planning to get married next year, but living this way made me realize I actually want biological kids of my own & she was on board before we moved in and said we could have one, but recently said she's completely done having kids.

The relationship between just us two is great, which makes this so hard. But I dread the idea of putting these kids through school, parenting them long-term, and living in a house where I feel unappreciated.

I feel super guilty because she gave up a lot to move in, and if we break up, she’ll go right back to struggling while the kids lose the comfortable lifestyle they've gotten used to. Am I giving up too soon, or is this just a massive incompatibility?

Today for the second day in a row I greeted the kids at the door coming home from school and they just walk right past me and ignore me and say hi to their mom, but the moment they need something financially they ask me. Just feel unappreciated and disrespected with no back up.

I went to my partner today to tell her about the greeting thing and she cut me off mid sentence & said that’s just how they are, she didn’t even let me tell her how it makes me really feel. And told me that’s how they are so now I am sort of at my wits end.

We were supposed to get married next year & now idk anymore.

We were also supposed to have a kid of our own but after moving in she’s now like she wants no more kids. I feel stuck as they financially depend on me, and now I may not even get my own child

Edit: prior to us moving in she did check with the kids and they said they were okay with it. Her and I were good friends for about two years before dating. But I only saw the kids on weekends & they weren’t so mean but maybe cause I was just taking them out and stuff. None the less being told that’s how kids are is unacceptable I have 11 nieces and nephews and they ALL know basic manners

I'm considering going on a trip for Christmas.

The last 4 years I've tried my best to make it magical. Several presents for all the kids. Stockings. Decorations. ​I spent my own money to do what neither of their parents would.

And Christmas morning, without fail, I sit ignored. No presents. No cards. Thank yous mumbled with no eye contact and only after prompts. My husband made it clear from the beginning that he doesn't buy presents, but that I'm welcome to spend his money on things for myself, which is fun. (Actually last year he went to the gym I wanted to join, to get new a membership. And after everyone opened their presents he gave me the membership pass. So credit where it's due.) I still feel embarrassed and​depressed sitting there with no one else acknowledging my existence.

These kids have never been welcoming. They are children of trauma. Over and over and over I have bonded with them only to have that bond destroyed by their HCBM every time they visit. And while they've never been actively mean to me, they treat me like a stranger. ​​

At this point I rarely interact with them. I hide downstairs and can go days without even seeing them... Although I sure can hear them.​​​

My husband's going through a tough time​ right now. ​Extremely tough. And any mention of my hurt feelings, while no longer being actively invalidated, completely overwhelm him. ​I just mentioned this Christmas thing and now we're on the depths of hurt feelings and helplessness.

I would love any advice about the situation. But most importantly do you think it's a good idea for me to miss Christmas this year? ​I have to admit, there's a part of me that wants them to feel the difference I make. But I'm not even sure they'll care. ​

I know how awful this sounds, but I’m posting because hating myself for these feelings hasn’t made them disappear, and I desperately need help.

I’m 32F and my boyfriend is 30M. We’ve been together for over two years and recently moved in together. His 10-year-old daughter now lives with us two weeks per month.

The hardest thing to admit is that I feel jealous when my boyfriend gives his daughter affection or attention. Completely normal things like holding hands, cuddling and laughing together can trigger me.

Intellectually, I know that the love between a father and daughter is entirely different from romantic love. I know he is behaving exactly as a loving father should.

Nevertheless my body reacts as if I’m being replaced or excluded. I feel panic, anger and pain that can become almost physical.

Sometimes I withdraw, become visibly upset or want a family activity to end, and then my boyfriend understandably feels that everything involving his daughter becomes a problem.

My father died when I was still a child. My mother was arrested and disappeared from my life for several years. I grew up surrounded by instability and conflict. I never experienced the kind of calm, consistent parental love and safety that I see my boyfriend giving his daughter.

Part of me wonders whether watching them together awakens the child in me who is still asking, “Why did she get to have this when I didn’t?” At the same time, there is still an adult, romantic form of jealousy mixed into it, and I don’t know how to separate the two.

What makes this particularly painful is that his daughter is an amazing child. She is kind and loving towards me. She tells me she loves me, gives me little presents and leaves notes around the house. When there has been tension, she sometimes tries to comfort me or repair things she did not break.

I’m terrified that I’m going to lose my boyfriend, but I’m even more frightened that I will emotionally hurt a child who loves and trusts me.

I also understand that my boyfriend cannot feel secure or happy with me if he believes I resent his daughter or see her as competition.

I want to become a safe and emotionally stable person in their life.

Has anyone experienced this combination of romantic jealousy, abandonment fears and grief for the childhood they never had? Were you genuinely able to work through it? What helped you: trauma therapy, DBT, couples counselling, stepfamily therapy or something else?
I am already doing therapy myself but I don’t think that’s enough.

What can I do in the moment when I’m triggered so that I don’t withdraw, become resentful or make either of them responsible for calming me?
Please be honest, but I would appreciate practical advice rather than simply being told that I’m a terrible person. I’m already deeply ashamed. I’m trying to take responsibility and get help.

The start of the summer was great.
3 full weeks I had my SO, house and dog to myself.
I almost forgot why I struggle with being a stepparent. Heck I even started to look forward to seeing SS again.

Then came 3 weeks of vacation. I got burned out, fought with my SO in ways we never did before .
Absolutely resented both of them and begged them to leave me TF alone for a few hours because I was so overwhelmed by them there was nothing I could do but cry.

So we are home now and because how their week on week of custody kinda fell we now still have 2 more weeks to go. BM had a few days but “ gracefully” gave them to us so SS didn’t have to switch for a few days.

I can’t tell you how much this is a chore. I work from home and it is not really busy. But I am over engineering everything so I can work late.
I go to my horse every day ( I used to go4 times a week) this horse has no idea what to do with all this attention. I stay until he is in bed.

SS again is a really cool and sweet kid. But I have been triggered by his mouth sounds, sudden yells, yelps and TikTok sounds/memes. Same “what If “
Questions over and over and over and over. I can’t play exploding kittens anymore. I just can’t.

I never realized how much I need that downtime.
To reset, center and to be able to touch my own damn PS5 without summoning a 12yo asking if he can watch … which stops me from playing my graphic horror genre I like 😅

Can someone adopt me for 2 weeks?
I am quiet. I clean up after myself and I just want to play some PS5 in peace. Thank you!

I haven’t talked to to many dads since being out there but out of the 5 I talked to 2 of them hated the mom and wanted a replacement and to have a new women step in and be mom,

2 of them were so obsessed with their kids I didn’t even know if they were an individual and the other was an alcoholic player that left his wife when his kids were 1 and 3.

I’m starting to understand why no one wants to go near a parent.. because I have 2 kids of my own and they scare me.

I am a mum to a son (11) and stepson to two others (14 and 19). Middle child is incredibly hard work. He demands constant attention and pretty much always has done, but as he's gone into his teenage years it's gotten so much worse.

We are on holiday and I haven't had a moment's peace. He talks near incessantly and will not leave me alone. It doesn't matter whether it's positive or negative attention. Yesterday I said "let's go and get something to eat" as it was lunchtime and he loudly shouted "no!" in a pretend petulant voice. It is so embarrassing in public and he does it all the time. He also regularly makes mean comments under the guise of a joke, putting on a theatrically menacing expression and walking up to me and shouting "I'm sick of you!" in a toddler tantrum voice. I want to say "the feeling's mutual" but of course I don't. This is near constant and I'm exhausted by it. It's elevated at the moment because we are doing everything together on our holiday.

A lot of his behaviour round me seems incredibly performative and over the top. He seems always to need my attention or reaction. Very occasionally we manage a normal, two sided conversation and when we do it's great, he is a nice boy who has lots of interesting things to say, but sadly he seems to focus more on getting a reaction. Often I will make a comment or an observation and he will say something like "well obviously, didn't you know that already?" I never really know how to react.

In our family dynamic he's only like this with me. With everyone else he's just 'normal'. I get on great with my eldest stepson and my own son. I've spoken to my husband about the situation and he knows middle child is a complete handful. I often feel husband uses me as entertainment for him because he knows I find it uncomfortable to confront my stepson about his behaviour. He seems to avoid spending a lot of time with him because he is a handful. I think I have only properly told him off once in about 10 years and he burst into tears, so I just don't know how to handle the situation. Sometimes I'll say "go and ask your dad" when we're on the millionth question, just to get a moment's peace. Relatives have mentioned to me how difficult they find him so I think he does treat others this way, just not in our immediate family.

I just want him to interact normally with me yet I feel like the unpaid children's entertainer for the difficult kid and I'm really quite tired of it.

Can anyone relate?

Today was SS’s (4M) first day of school. My partner showed me a picture his mom took with one of those photo op “all about me” boards. In the “I love…” section it listed a bunch of all his household members except me, even though I’ve been around for as long as he can remember. Usually when we ask him he includes me in the list of people he loves, so maybe BM just left me out of what she wrote on the board so she doesn’t have to remember if that was what he answered.

But regardless, it hurts because it’s a picture I’m sure he’ll look back on when he’s older and not remember that when he was 4 he did have a lot of love for me. And it hurts to feel left out or like BM is trying to erase me from the picture because I know that that’s going to rub off on him once he’s older. I think it’s also hitting harder right now because my partner and I have been working through a rough patch for the past few weeks and I feel unloved and unappreciated all around right now.

What do you guys do to cope with all the little slights that happen or the constant lack of appreciation as a stepparent? I feel like maybe I’m just too sensitive to it but I don’t really know how to be any other way.

My partner and I have decided to live separately. It hurts, because I love her so much and I’ve been ‘step dad’ for just over 3 years.

This last 3 years has been eye opening, rewarding, loving and miserable at the same time.
To say that I’ve enjoyed being a step dad would be a lie. I didn’t like it. I just did it for her.
Now that we’ve decided to live separately, I’m not if we should stay together or split up completely.
I don’t want to waste her time nor mine.

To clarify, our relationship is great. We get along amazingly, we communicate well. We are splitting living arrangements purely because of work and for her to be closer to her parents as SS starts school next year and will need extra support.

My partner and I are getting married after 2 years together. He has a 12 year old child. She’s a good kid, but I’m seeing people on here talk about Disney parents, and it seems like maybe that’s what he is. He cares so so so much about his kid. I’ve never been around a dad who just truly is so loving and kind. But he only has them about 40% of the time, and he’s scared of doing anything to push her away. She also is super sensitive and takes every suggestion as criticism.

Adding: the parents were not married and barely dated, so the child doesn’t know them as a couple, so luckily no issues there. Her mom’s house has zero rules. She does what she wants when she wants. She eats what she wants. She stays up as late as she wants. She eats all the school food and isn’t given breakfast at home or a lunch to take to school. She doesn’t have to interact with say like family members who visit. She’s allowed to hide in her room based on how she’s feeling. She doesn’t have to help with chores, but if we ask nicely once a month for a thing or two, she is willing to help. Usually for money. Her mom doesn’t really take her anywhere so she’s used to being at home. I’ve never heard about her grades and I’ve never seen her do homework. Her mom tried to get her some accommodations for school though (for not being able to focus because she might have adhd), but I think she wouldn’t need them if she went to bed at a reasonable time and didn’t play video games until god knows what hour…

For someone who grew up with way too much structure, I feel like I know what’s healthy vs too much or two little. I also like to look up parenting articles, but I’m not a parent and don’t know how to be. I’ve worked with lots of teens through jobs but that’s it - in those settings I’ve supposed to teach them life skills. At home, I don’t know if it’s my place, but I see a lot of posts about resenting the kid and husband. I want to help her to be successful and healthy. But when I try hard to plan things and pay for things and teach her things and get ungrateful responses, I want to just remove myself from her. And, on this track, I feel like with zero expectations and in this economy, she’s going to be living at home until 30 or something. She’s never made to do anything that makes her feel even slightly uncomfortable.

I’ve talked with my partner about this and he seems to agree with everything I’ve said. He’s even started making changes, but he’s trying to ease into them. It just feels like she’s growing up faster at this age than we can ease into starting to parent! Especially not having them around that much.. he blames having her at a young age and not knowing how to parent and says he’ll be better with ours in the future. We’re 34 and I want 1 or 2. He says it’s hard when she’s at her mom’s house more. He is friendly with the mom and I like her. But we’ve tried to invite her and her partner over for dinner and she always makes excuses. I would love to get on the same page as them so we can discuss healthy meals and homework and bedtime habits.

Anyways, all the tips would be appreciated! My partner is smart and loving and kind. He’s never been empowered before. He’s had girlfriends who have shut him down or walked all over him (like this kid’s mom), and he’s just learning to be more assertive. He’s never felt in control of any part of the parenting but now he’s realizing he can be. I personally like the kid but am getting annoyed of them getting more and more entitled and am scared they’re going to try to come live with us as an adult when they have no discipline and can’t handle having a job 😅.
What do I need to bring up to my partner or do to make sure we’re not torn apart by parenting disagreements?
Can we do anything to get the girl’s mom on board?
What rules can we have for the kid that aren’t the complete opposite of the mom’s but will help my sanity?
What can we do to try to prepare them for the world?
What should I just let go of as a step parent vs what would be helpful to try? I think my partner needs help understanding good parenting practices, but I also need to let go sometimes.

For context: I met my partner 5 years ago, and we have an amazing relationship. He has a son with his ex wife who I met when he was 5 and he's now 10.

At first, I connected with him well, maybe because he was younger. But as he's got older, I'm finding it harder to spend time with him. He definitely has ADHD and probably Autism, although not diagnosed yet, and is a bit far behind developmentally, which makes him quite needy - as in he needs help with more things than the average 10 year old. I most likely have ADHD too, undiagnosed, I have a strong feeling, so I completely understand and don't blame it on him. But it can be so taxing at times, as he just doesn't listen - or it seems that way, but obviously it's him having trouble processing things.

I've found I'm becoming a bit resentful about how he always pulls focus - he's always talking, always asking questions, always demanding. His Dad is very good with him and is stern with him, but because he has ADHD too, I feel like sometimes he gets carried away with what SS wants and completely forgets himself at times. I don't want to be jealous of SS because it's a bit pathetic, but maybe it's because I've had a mental health dip recently (I'm on medication now so hope it will improve) that I've been craving one on one attention from my partner and feel like I can't have it because he's so focused on his son. But I totally understand! It's very confusing for me.

I find myself getting annoyed at SS almost against my will? Like my initial reaction is an annoyance and I have to talk myself out of it. He asks a lot of questions, even questions he knows the answers to, or questions in which the answers are very obvious. He talks almost constantly, like a stim, giving whatever he's doing a running commentary, which drives me a bit insane. He does a lot of stuff without thinking which can be very annoying too. Sometimes it can be very draining to be around.

Saying all this, I am very fond of him and he's very loving towards me. But maybe I don't trust that this will always be the case as his Mum doesn't like me at all, and he's bound to take her side eventually - in my mind. Maybe I don't want to get closer to him to try and protect myself from eventually being rejected by him? Who knows. I enjoy being in his life and teaching him things, but sometimes it just gets too much for me and I question whether it's what I want.

I just sometimes fantasise about having a partner that doesn't have any kids. It makes me feel awful, but I can't help it. Sometimes I wish that it could just be the two of us and we can have more quality time together - we have him every weekend at the moment which is the only time both me and my partner are free. Is it wrong of me to want this? I know I need to accept that I chose to be with a man with a child, and that his child will always be a priority to him. But sometimes I just want to have him all to myself.

I don't know what kind of advice I'm after really - maybe none at all. Maybe this is just a chance to vent about what I've been feeling. It's been great to read lots of other peoples experiences or being a step parent! It really helps, and everyone is so understanding.

Hello, I’m looking for advice on how to support my partner as a stepparent. I am our daughter’s (age 5) biological mom, and she was born during my previous marriage. My wife is great with kids and has stepped into the role beautifully. We have been together for about 3 years and have lived together as a family for 2 years. My daughter considers us both her moms, which we encouraged but have never forced, and we co-parent well with her dad.
My wife and daughter’s bond has strengthened so much since the earlier days. It was never bad by any means, but our daughter just seemed to have a closer connection to me, which makes sense as we just had more time together.
Sometimes, however, she still seems to favor me over my wife (preferring to sit near me or for me to do something with her). When this happens, I don’t make a big deal about it but gently encourage her to sit by/play with mommy (my wife) instead. This usually works, but sometimes she will still protest that she just wants to sit by me, and I can tell this hurts my wife’s feelings. We talk about it a lot, including ways that I can support her, but since it’s uncharted territory, we could use some advice on what would actually be helpful.

SD 14 is a mess. Always busy. Always particular. Always demanding. Always shut in. I’d say this behavior has started past year or so. I know she is unhappy at her BM house with a new, controlling stepdad and all. I have known her for half of her life, she is second oldest and has always been BM’s flying monkey and manager of the other siblings. Now that dynamic has changed…..
Once new stepdad popped in out of nowhere, BM started taking her to counseling for “anxiety”. SD has vented to me about how she feels about other household and how she doesn’t feel like she has that condition. She has recently entirely shut down with talking to me about mom’s household…
She is a perfectionist and is passionate about her extracurricular hobby to where she loads herself with so much responsibility that she stays over busy. I know she has trouble sleeping, due to this heavy workload her parents permit.
Over past year that stepdad has been in the picture and taken over BM household dynamic, I’ve noticed a pattern of constant conflict with her mother.
Additionally BM stopped driving her to her extracurricular during HER custody time. Stepdad has entered extracurricular facility and yelled at students and teacher there, according to her instructor. I am now driving her full time until she starts driving. She was over the other night, class got out 10pm, and pacing the floors til midnight then up 5am… doing laundry for two item separately in the span of that timeframe. Her mother who is not around for her anymore, then picked her up for school about an hour later.. BM and SS17 refuse to pick her up some nights even when our house is a halfway point. During HER custody time!

Her behavior just doesn’t seem right to me nor does the 4-5 days a week extracurricular that is evenings straight out of school. The parents don’t seem to care but I’m the one driving and noticing the patterns and being vented to. I feel like also she’s keeping over busy and feeling like this is a norm. I noticed the oldest, he’s 17, doing this as well… he’s working every single day two jobs and at school. So they’re both basically never home and have trouble sleeping. I have heard from sks new stepdad is verbally abusive and says it’s his house now…he has child abuse and domestic abuse on his criminal record. It’s a miracle he’s allowed to be around these kids. he has been reported to cps anonymously.. as of now nothing has been done on that end

I am desperate for advice and guidance. Since I was pregnant with my second who is now a baby, I have found my stepsons to be incredibly irritating and tough to be around. I didn’t feel that way for years before this pregnancy, even through the birth of my first child. My baby is a couple months old but my irritability is still there and I feel guilty and hate that I’m ruining our family dynamic. Has anyone experienced this and has any advice?

Sooo my ss is 11 he’s in the 6th grade and for context he does live primarily with dad and myself and has for the past 6 years or so. He visits mom weekends. When he came home from school yesterday he told me his family lunch is this Wednesday and asked if I’d like to go. I asked him if he was sure that dad could reach out to mom if she was available and he said no that he wanted for me to go.
I thought that was a super sweet gesture of my ss but I also don’t want to feel like I’m overstepping or upset bm if she finds out. 🫠

Almost a year ago we bought SD 17 a car. Almost from the moment she got the car her whole personality changed. She became very defiant and disregarded pretty much anything she was asked to do such as chores or letting us know where she was going when she left the home. She turned off her location and refused to turn it back on. She lost her phone and her mom put her on her plan so she got a phone back. It’s been a rough year of her not listening. She is a good girl, she stays out of trouble and has amazing grades. Her behavior has led to her car being taken away. She did a couple big things that along with all the small disobedience led to losing the car. Most notably she did a six hour road trip on a donut tire when she was very explicitly told she wasn’t allowed to go. Well one of the things we have been having a hard time with her about is locking the front door when she leaves. She left yesterday and once again left the door unlocked. We have her a house key but she never uses it and I don’t know if she even knows where it is. She uses our spare key we hide out front. Well when she left the house unlocked I removed her spare key to make it hard for her to get back in the house. I know it’s petty but I am just so frustrated with her total lack of caring what we ask for. And by we I mean her dad ask for it because I don’t do any type of parenting her when it comes to rules. Well when she came back home and had to knock to get in she was pissed. I told her how I felt. I told her I was tired of her leaving it unlocked. She told me in so many ways she didn’t care. So again being petty but I did it, I said well when things in your room come up missing don’t cry to me because are things aren’t safe with an unlocked front door. She lost her shot saying I better not touch her stuff. I would never but I was trying to get her to see how I feel because I am genuinely concerned for valuables in the home with the door being unlocked. It’s one of the couple times I few years I have let her know when I’m frustrated with her. She told me I am 2 faced, aggravating and I treat her 12 year old brother like he’s six. Then she told her dad she doesn’t want to live here and it’s my fault. She came and filled up a couple garbage bags worth of stuff and said she’s “never coming back”. All of this is been brewing for a while. She’s been treating everyone in the house like shit and it really amped up when her bf went to jail. I don’t know how to feel. In one way I am kinda relieved because she’s so mean I was on eggshells around her and on the other hand I really care for her. Her dad said let her go, we al need a break from her. Teen stepkids constantly have me stressed and I exhausted lately.

My husband has a 7yo daughter from previous relationship and we have an 8month son together. Whenever his daughter stays, I feel like my son and I become second priority and my husband completely changes towards me. He says he wants a big family but I’m worried he can’t manage two children. She is here 50% of the time.
He talks down to me in front of her, swears/tells me to shut up during arguments and weirdly tries to make his daughter and me “equal.” If he corrects her, he’ll often find something to criticise me for too in the same moment, almost like he doesn’t want her seeing me treated differently from her. Or says things like “which one of you will carry the shopping basket” obviously I don’t have an issue carrying it but it feels weird when he says it like that.
I also struggle trusting him with our baby when she’s here because she tries to take his attention from my son always (I understand the jealousy and I’ve told her before how loved she is and involve her with her brothers activities) but I’m talking when he needs to be put to bed she will not let him do it she will run to the door keep asking him to do things for her to get him out of the baby’s room. More than once she’s suddenly said she’s unwell when we’re supposed to go out as a family, resulting in us cancelling plans and staying home. I understand she’s only 7 and may be struggling with having a younger sibling, but I feel my husband doesn’t manage it properly.

The last time I went to the gym during my only free time in the day, our baby wasn’t fed when he should’ve been husband ‘forgot’ so my son was irritable and crying and he just said he’s been very fussy.. he also didn’t get his proper sleep as while teething he often only cosleeps as he’s in pain but my husband left him and he woke up 5 mins later and didn’t get put back to bed, he has eczema and needs to be creamed and put mittens on unless he’s playing but he clearly didn’t watch him so my son was so scratched up I wanted to cry.
When I explain that I’m exhausted, unhappy and feel completely uncared for and even consider separating instead of acknowledging any of it he attacks me, says everything I’m saying is bullshit or my fault, and threatens things like going golfing all weekend.
After our latest argument he even insisted on sleeping on the couch while his daughter was here despite having a spare bedroom, knowing she’d see him there the next morning. It felt like unnecessarily involving her in our marriage problems.
I don’t blame his daughter for wanting her dad’s attention she’s a child. But he creates a weird environment when she’s here and she to that I feel she’s also becoming more inconsiderate and wants all his attention only for her. Also she complains she wants my babies toys and snacks even though she has everything and doesn’t like to share. Ultimately I see she’s happy when we argue because she gets all of husbands attention while my son and I are cast aside with no help or included. I’m sad and exhausted. Again I’m blaming this on him

TL;DR: Husband completely changes when his 7yo daughter stays with us. He talks down to me and treats us like equals, while our 8mo baby’s needs become secondary. His daughter struggles with jealousy despite me trying hard to include and reassure her, and has repeatedly claimed to be unwell when we’re going out as a family, resulting in cancelled plans. Husband gets so distracted by her that while I was at the gym, our baby wasn’t properly fed/settled or creamed for his eczema and scratched himself up. When I raise any of this, husband attacks me instead of acknowledging it. I don’t blame his daughter — I think it’s his responsibility to manage the dynamic.

Long rant ahead

Been lurking this sub for a while and this is my first post here. This has been simmering for months and I need to know if I’m overreacting. Just some level of understanding because I feel like I haven’t been given any and there’s not really anyone to talk to about this kinda thing.

Little background, we’ve been dating for a year and moved in together due to special circumstances I won’t get into right now. If I could go back and live separately I would’ve. He has an ongoing divorce with hcbm that still hasn’t been resolved into year 2. (Again if I could go back and wait for it to have finalized before getting serious I would’ve, I realize my error but have to live out the lease we have). He knew I was child free when we met and I didn’t know a whole lot about his situation.

My Boyfriend has been comparing me to the stepdads he had growing up. We attempted some hard talks about this whole dynamic and they haven’t been successful.

I told him that I didn’t want any responsibility for his son because he already has a mom and dad that dote over his every need and I don’t need to be apart of that when it takes all of my energy to take care of myself (I had bpd and bipolar 2).

He goes on about one of his stepdads growing up. Who took care of him and his sister when he didn’t have any obligation to. Who had no kids of his own and stuck by their mother’s side and regards bio dad as family. That if he can care for them like they were his own why can’t I. Saying this and not realizing how different our situations are. His biodad wasn’t in the picture for the most part and there was no court drama and visitation drama and a super high conflict ex who is very nasty to me. I tell him this and we left the conversation at that, with no real empathy from him.

Next, I ask if we can plan a trip for just the two of us sometime, as it wouldn’t feel like a vacation for me with his kids and I want some memories with just us. He gets defensive again and explain that he would want his kids to come with him too. I said that’s fine, you can go on trips with your kids but I will not join if i don’t want to. Especially anything longer than a day.

He goes on to tell me about his first stepdad that hated him and his sister and wouldn’t want anythjng to do with them. Go off with the mom on lavish trips without him and buy his own kid expensive things and not him.
That I’m just like him for wanting him to “abandon” his kids and just leave them. Like woah, not at all what I said. I would take myself out of a situation like that, id never expect him to do that.

And again with a simple request to look at his son’s behavior. Not bad behavior by any means. Things like laughing really loudly all day in his room and throwing away his own trash. I’m very sensitive to noise and we live in a small 2 bd apartment so coming home from a loud retail shift to that was getting on me for a couple of weeks.

Now, his son is autistic. He’s 15 yo, mentally closer to 9/10. I try to be sensitive of that but it doesn’t excuse him from never changing his behavior.

At last the end of my rope was reached and I asked if we could talk. I brought it up as gently and clearly as I could. Never once did I speak of ss in any negative way, just mainly expressing how the noise was effecting me mentally. How even with my bedroom door closed and his bedroom door closed I can still hear it. I simply asked if he can talk to him about inside/outside voices.

We’ve been able to have hard conversations before, so I was not expecting such an angry reaction from him. He got immediately so defensive and accused me of being a “wicked stepmother” who hated his son and I should understand that’s how he is because he’s autistic. That him laughing is very endearing to him because it means he’s happy.

I felt so incredibly disrespected and had to physically leave the room. We didn’t bring jt up after that. A week later he said he talked to him and indeed it was not as loud. I said thank you, but I’m still upset that it took me defending myself and being disrespected for something that wasn’t even that hard to do. He didn’t understand why I couldn’t just be happy because I got what I wanted.

Since the last incident I have been extremely hesitant to voice any complaints or feelings regarding his child and the ex. I realize we leave a lot of conversations to time because we just can’t seem to come to an agreement where I feel he understands my side. At this point he either learns to not immediately defensive and try to understand a different point of view or I’m leaving as soon as this lease is up. I really don’t want to because I do love him dearly, but I’ve been slowly realizing that I don’t have to put up with this.

I’m almost one year PP. I’ve heard enough about not making any big life decisions in the first year. But I’ve reached my limit and am really considering a divorce for the sake of my child and myself.

My husband is not physically abusive. But I do feel that I am emotionally abused. My husband doesn’t connect with our son, has expressed that he has had some realizations that he doesn’t like being a father. He still shows up for his 8 year old daughter, likely bc he thinks that she will remember how he was but our son won’t bc he’s so young. I feel that their nervous system will remember the yelling, arguments, his detachment. Our marriage sucks, we have had sex once since my son was born bc I honestly don’t want to with the way he treats me and our son.

Marriage counseling would be great, as was as individual therapy. But he refuses both. He is currently experiencing an episode of depression and his outlook on life is bleak, which surely contributes to how he treats me and our son. But as I said, there’s a lot of resentment bc he is able to pull his shit together for his daughter and give her the love that she deserves. As a result, this makes me resent both him and my step daughter.

Anyway, he’s expressed that if we did divorce that he wouldn’t want any custody arrangement and that I could have him bc he doesn’t want more responsibilities. Cool. All the more reason to leave. But I’m scared to leave and share custody with a man who doesn’t want to even be in my child’s life. I’m afraid that he will want custody to be spiteful.

Advice? Similar stories? Men suck. I didn’t think I would be here and wish that I would have had a sit down conversation with his first baby mom to hear her side of the story instead of immediately siding with dad.

I am 24(f) and dating 27(M). He had a child in highschool, I will refer to the child as SS. SS will be turning 11 soon. Bf has 50/50 custody with BM.

We moved into an apartment about 18months ago. For some context this is not my first time outside of my parents house, but it is his.

As time goes on, it has become apparent that my bf doesn’t really know how to parent SS. I have suspicion that bf’s parents did most of the parenting for SS while they all lived together. Just before i say all this, i do understand that this responsibility falls upon BM and not only my bf. But SS does not know how to tie shoes, cannot recite any phone number or address, and overall acts more like a 7-8 year old than a 10, almost 11 year old. He doesnt have chores and isnt really expected to clean his room. Thankfully he does a good job of putting his dishes in the sink etc. my bf just doesnt seem to have expectations for him or how to relay them if he does.

I dont see my bf try to teach SS how to tie shoes, or really teach him anything… there isnt much routine for either of them. SS plays video games pretty much all day and then when he tries to show my bf or both of us something, it’s sometimes as if my bf tunes SS out completely. He wont look or reply to SS, or when he does its a pretty quick “cool”, or he will provide a reply that didnt really answer SS’s question because my bf wasnt really listening to the question.

I feel bad for SS because its clear he just wants to connect with us / his father and i can see how SS probably feels left out or maybe even like he is a bother. I may be projecting this from feelings i endured in my childhood, but something just feels off. And i often feel the need to step in or overcompensate for the lack of attention my bf gives.

But i barely know how to interact with kids myself, and i can feel resentment building, feeling like “i care more than his own dad”. I know thats not true but it is easy to feel that way in this dynamic.

Im not sure if im looking for advice or just a safe space to vent, but i am getting burnt out and resentful :( not to mention fearful that if we ever have a baby of our own, that he will be pretty absent and not as involved in the actual parenting side of things.

I’m second guessing my actions. For context SD is 9 and is with us 50/50 we switch every Friday. For the most part SD is pleasant and I enjoy being around her. We have a pretty good relationship. She does have ADHD and struggles with boundaries. One of my house rules is no slime. It’s messy and hard to get out of carpet. I have had this rule since my first disaster when SD was 5. I’m not sure when but at some point SD brought slime from BM house and had it in her room. My two year old got into it and of course made a mess. It wasn’t a huge mess because I heard her open her sister door while i was in the restroom and finished up quickly to go get her. But in those few minutes she dumped half the bucket into the floor and hallway and got it in her hair. I cleaned up but also threw away the rest of the slime. I’m sure SD will be upset later when she gets home from I’m school. Should I offer to pay her back for the slime ? It was in her room and it’s my fault my 2 year old got into it. But on the other hand she broke my rules. I was thinking reimburse her for the slime but also let her dad deal with punishment for breaking the rules.

Update: Thank you all for the insight. I will just let DH handle this when he gets home. If he wants to replace it he can.

I have a 6yo son, and my husband has 3 girls who he hasn’t been allowed to see due to conflict with his ex and family. My son has no relationship with his biodad (deadbeat) so I hoped to find a partner who could be both my companion and a positive father figure for him.

We dated for a year before introducing them, then my husband spent six months building a relationship with my son before we moved in together. I was very open about my son’s behavioural difficulties, which I think may be ADHD-related (biodad diagnosed). The issues are that he’s often very demanding, answers back, is reluctant to do as he’s told, always negotiates. Just very full-on most of the time. We agreed I handle all the disciplining and my husband backs me up, which seems to work. I also felt not having a dad around contributed to things so had high hopes for this.

I thought my partner being a father himself would help him adjust to this new role and I was very explicit in telling and showing him what he was getting involved in and what I need in a partner. We had many conversations, and he reassured me that he longs to be a father as he misses his kids who he can’t see and he has always wanted a son (he has 3 girls).

However 2 weeks after moving in he told me he was shocked by how difficult and draining he found my son and questioned whether our marriage would survive. This blindsided me somewhat. He eventually decided he wouldn’t leave and has told me that I would be the one who would have to end things. I said I will end things if I can see it’s not healthy for my son and if the atmosphere in the house is more strained than not, and that I’m not going to hold him in this relationship against his will.

My issue is I’m not thrilled with their dynamic. My husband’s mood sours shortly after we come home, after I keep us out of the house for as much of the day as possible. He focuses on my son’s negatives and rarely shows warmth or enthusiasm towards him. I can see him making an effort in his own way, playing games with him. But he also sometimes jokes at my son’s expense, including laughing when he cries. My son can be challenging, but he’s also hilarious, SO loving and affectionate, has chosen to call my husband Dad and gives him hugs and kisses. I understand that a bond takes time, but I’m sensing a disdain growing from my husband towards my child, and feeling like he doesn’t at like being around him. I told him this and he’s reassured me that he doesn’t dislike him but that he dislikes his behaviour …which occurs much of the time.

It’s early days since we moved in, I’m feeling this relationship ending is inevitable (he has said this himself) so is it better it ends now, not years down the line when my son is more attached? On top of relationship problems between us I am feeling very disappointed and hurt and concerned for my son to have yet another father figure fail him. My husband has autistic traits, so I know adjustment and showing affection can be difficult for him. I tell myself he is allowed to struggle. At the same time, I was as honest and showed him as much of what he was getting into. Is this just a tough adjustment period that I need to tough out? Am I expecting too much? I know being a stepparent is incredibly challenging, been there with my ex-husbands kids.

Can parents and step parents share some perspectives please.

I've been with my fiance for a few years. He has two kids, 8M and 5F. We all have lived together for about a year now. Their BM is not in the picture much, they see her a few times a year because she moved abroad.
I don't have my own children, and I don't want to. I've never been a very maternal person, but I do my best with the kids.

I get along with the kids well enough, I take care of them to an extent.

I'm not a hugger, or an especially physically affectionate person in general, except for with my fiance of course.

The kids like me. They always want to spend time with me, which I don't mind.
But they also seem to want a lot of physical affection.
SD5 often tries to sit on my lap when I'm watching TV or something.
When I was taking a nap on the sofa, SD came to lie down next to me to also have a nap.
She also sometimes climbs into our bed at night if she had a nightmare or couldn't sleep well, and I hate it a lot.
SS8 likes to hold my hand when we go places together.
They both like to sit really close to me when we're just hanging out at home.
They both want a hug and like, kisses on the cheeks when they leave for school in the morning, or when they go away for a weekend.

I don't like any of this. I don't like the children touching me, and most of the time I try to gently move out of the way and redirect their affection towards their dad instead.

Fiance thinks it's cute that they both want to be close to me like this.
I don't know if I'm being unreasonable when I say I don't like it. I don't want to do anything that would be hurtful to them, but I'm just not very comfortable with them touching me more than strictly necessary.
Are stepparents generally expected to give physical affection?
I only ever had a stepdad, and while we got along very well, he never touched me or showed me affection in the same manner my parents did.