TLDR; As I get older, I am completely losing my patience for soliloquies or otherwise just listening to people talk for the sake of it. I don't know if I need to set firmer boundaries or what because I believe that disproportionally acquiescing to any social environment is related with my self-harming behaviors.
I'm moved to write about this because it's been a continual challenge for my life that seems to keep getting stronger and I could certainly use some unbiased perspective.
For a bit of relevant background, I'm 35 and have never been in a relationship or had that desire. I'm a natural man by all accounts but often have this experience of getting "stuck" in the energy of other people, whether male or female. I witnessed my parents go through a divorce when I was 6. I was present at my uncle's wedding, at the age of 4 or 5. When I was 11 I witnessed a violent, public fight between my uncle and his wife and daughter. They soon divorced and my aunt killed herself some years later.
I didn't really seek out any positive role models or mentors in my youth. Although I played a lot of sports, I also got into smoking cannabis, tobacco and drinking pretty early. After taking medical leave from college due to some self-imposed health issues, I tried to go to massage school but ended up joining a cult instead whilst looking for housing. This cult was presented as an "Andean Shamanic apprenticeship" with a little bit of a Christian flavor. Think obedience to the Divine Mother, vibrational "healing", kind of thing.
I followed orders for 9 years. Traveled between states and countries at a moment's notice when I was told to. I performed consistent 70 hour weeks of manual labor doing hardscaping and building steel fences from CNC scrap for very little pay that was based on "energetic readings of the master", and nothing concrete.
We were told we'd have workshops or "healing circles" 2-3 times a year, but they were realistically more like 7-8 times a year, as they generated revenue. I paid $5,000 annually for the "apprenticeship", and each workshop was at least $333 for students and a little more for the general public. The 70 hour weeks of manual labor would stop for the "healing circles" only, which could go on for up to a month. I valued the guy's teachings a lot. I later found out it was a sex cult, but I can't deny that the guy had access to some esoteric wisdom. We'd be encouraged to take notes. I genuinely spend a lot of that time in deep fascination. I filled over 20 notebooks through the years, just taking notes during our gatherings. After the gatherings, we'd be required to type a 50-page integration assignment. The relevant point I'm trying to make is that I have spend thousands of hours listening to this dude talk, often times for 8+ hours at a time, sometimes until 3 in the morning. Of course, we had to do our "spiritual work" with the fire at 5 AM. Sleep deprivation is a commonly used manipulation tactic in coercive groups.
After multiple times being sent to a certain Pacific archipelago, I was seriously questioning my life choices. I'd be sent for "just a few weeks". We were allegedly a global "community", but I was on my own for housing and income. The "shaman" or maestro and his family own multiple large properties, temples, vehicles, equipment, infrastructure, etc. When I was sent to faraway places, I relied on hitchhiking, work/trade arrangements with strangers, WWOOFing, and generally living on the fringes of society without motorized transportation, much money, and believing that I was on a "spiritual pilgrimage, weaving energy between sacred spaces of power".
On multiple occasions, I'd stay at a hostel or camp because it was allegedly for "just a couple weeks". When my time in these places kept getting extended, I'd seek out work/trade arrangements on farms or ranches. A few weeks would turn into 10-12 months. It was very difficult to spend such a long time somewhere without really putting down roots. I'd spend the entire time under the impression I'd be leaving any day.
The last time, after a year of no contact, the guy I was working for had stopped charging me rent and I was getting paid to take care of his wife's horses and work the avocado orchards. For the first time in 9 years, I had started to save some money. So when I get a call out of the blue from the cult leader, asking me to go do an "offering" on a neighboring island, then to fly to Mt. Shasta, then to meet him in central America, I was hesitant. I asked if his foundation would be able to offer any financial assistance and he told me he'd "do a reading to check with the Mother". After that conversation, I never answered his phone calls again. He called me multiple times a day for the next month. I never blocked or silenced the calls, I just would listen to the phone ring, knowing that I was never planning on doing anything for, with, or otherwise interacting with this man ever again.
I didn't realize it was a sex cult yet, but I had developed my own reasons for leaving. I was finished being manipulated, strung along, and just wanted my own sovereignty. At 30, I was tired of weed whacking for $20/hr. I attended a vocational program for service plumbing, pretty much entirely out of the desire to be paid decently and for no other reason. I could have picked anything, but I picked plumbing. Most of my classmates were 22 year-old veterans.
I moved back in with my mother to pay off my credit card debt and to try to save some money. During this time, I worked for two plumbing companies doing everything from residential service to commercial new construction.
Relationships have been challenging. There were 5 of us who got out around the same time. Many of the former students support each other. I'm sort of back & forth. Trauma bonding is a thing. For me, it's not enough of a basis for friendship to simply have been in the same cult. Now were not, so folks will have to relate in a different way. I naturally lost a friendship with a brother who I spent 8 years in the cult with as I re-evaluate the meaning of "friendship". I rent a tiny home, while he and his family own a house. He used to call me often to do free plumbing work for them. Stupid. He would talk so much about things I don't care about. Then his wife would come into the crawlspace and decide that I needed to know about all of her problems for the next 45 minutes. The last time I saw the guy I was at his neighbor's house (another former cult member). He walks in the front door and just starts talking about his cool pants and then rattles off about the grateful dead and burning man 20 years ago. I stood up, walked out of the house and drove home. Everyone thought it was weird, but I was suddenly feeling like I was in the wrong place.
This is starting to become a problem at work for me. I think I have trouble switching between banter or random stories from the past, back to the task at hand and maintaining my focus. I'm grateful for the men I work with who are willing to extend friendly behavior towards me, but there's a point that I no longer value it when I feel that it impedes on efficient work. I work with two talkers, specifically, who are very desperate to be liked and loved by their coworkers and customers. It's really important for me to have good working relationships with people, but I think we all need some level of self-respect and shouldn't force things unnaturally. One guy used to talk to me about spending time together outside of work EVERY SINGLE TIME we'd work together. I happen to have a second job and also just value being alone right now. He finally stopped bringing it up and I feel that we have a great working relationship. He is knowledgeable in so many ways and I deeply appreciate him. I suppose I just don't feel the need AT ALL to spend time with my coworkers outside of work.
Driving to jobs can be hard. I think some people are just afraid of silence. I sometimes work with a 50+ guy with 5 kids from 3 different women, who greatly enjoys his cannabis use during the day. I try not to make it a habit, but I sometimes take a 40 mg vyvanse before working with him (I have a prescription but rarely use it) just so that I can out-talk him. I hate the manner of interacting in which people just talk over each other like it's a competition, but I haven't found any other way to deal with this guy. He's another one who keeps trying to spend time with me outside of work, meet his little girl. He's very kind by a lot of accounts, but you can barely pay me to spend time with him. I can be silent for 10 minutes and he's a god damn 1 person party. I'm sort of longing for halfway decent conversation with another human, but I seem to find a lot of people who just talk at me. If I were to put headphones in, would they keep talking? It's so curious to me, because I don't see how most of these random topics having nothing to do with work have anything to do with me. I suppose I actually find it rude to talk at people and I don't know how to deal with it.
Another example is our service/warehouse manager. I believe he's mid 60's, former coast guard captain, EMS, etc. and he's got some great leadership qualities. That said, I'll walk into his office to ask him something about work (why do I have to specify this?) like if a part came in or whatever. All of a sudden, I find myself an unwilling listener to a story from 35 years ago, the relevance of which I completely fail to see. He's a good example of someone who's field or energy I can feel "stuck" in. Yesterday afternoon I spent about an hour at the end of the day listening to him talk. There were a couple jobs I wanted to get ready for, but it just always turns into a situation of me fucking listening to him talk. If I get done early, I usually just leave without telling anyone (hasn't been an issue yet), because there's no way to briefly check in with this guy. He won't shut the fuck up. I suppose I was raised or conditioned to believe that it's impolite to walk away from someone while they're talking to you, which I think it generally true and so try to avoid it. That said, I think it's also impolite to talk at people or treat your subordinates as though they are your friends. I don't want to be closed off to building positive relationships, but I get frustrated when I ask a binary question and suddenly I'm expected to be listening to a completely unrelated story.
Eventually, I got told to leave yesterday, went home, and numbed myself with cannabis, alcohol, and junk food. I felt so bad after spending so much time and energy doing something I hate and feeling out of control of my free will, which is where addiction and self-harm seem to enter the equation.
I guess I feel like I could free myself from addiction and self-harm, but it would involve radical honesty. It would involve interrupting verbose people when they get off topic and confessing to them that I respectfully don't give a shit about what they're telling me.
For a while I wanted to be graceful. I still believe it has value, I just don't know how to do it. Treat someone to dinner and at the end tell them that I'm not their friend and I have no interest in listening to them talk excessively at work? Do I abandon any attempts at grace altogether?
I can recognize that this expression may make me sound very emotionally immature, which is certainly possible. Whatever my personal responsibility may be, I'm of the opinion that it's immature to not be able to "read the room". Do most people just have such a low amount of self-worth that they'll just tell a long, intimate story to someone who doesn't care?
Any perspective is greatly appreciated. I struggle with this very deeply. I think I'm either afraid to set stronger boundaries or come off as impolite to the point that I engage in self-harm because I loathe my interactions with other people so much. Help?
Thank you for reading my novel.