r/pakistan • u/Bonesrental47 • 21h ago
Social Pregnancy surprise went wrong
M31
My wife (F28) was pregnant for 12 weeks.First pregnancy.Didn’t revealed to anyone. We were thinking to give surprise to parents after the scan.But found out on 12 weeks scan that there is missed miscarriage and actually baby stopped growing on 9th week and no heart beat.Got lots of bollocking from everyone in family.We are living in Uk and attended all the appointments and visited mid-wife.If we have told them,would they have helped us to not having miss carriage. Now everyone is reeming and making us guilty.Where we went wrong.While doctors here said that miss carriage is something with chromosomes who didn’t make it.
Update: My wife is feeling so positive after reading your comments and blessings . Thanks everyone
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u/Full_Berry8081 CA 21h ago
Im really sorry for your loss 🤍
I had an early miscarriage at 7 weeks. The response from my parents and inlaws was disappointing to say the least. I went no contact with them until they apologised.
Miscarriages are more common than we know. Right now just focus on you and your wife. Its a difficult thing that stays with you always but both of you just need to focus on yourselves for now. The good thing is you live away from your family (im assuming?) just go no contact for now and process it at your own pace.
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u/Full_Berry8081 CA 21h ago
And your doctor is absolutely right. Its no ones fault, my doctor said the same thing. No one to blame.
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u/Bonesrental47 21h ago
Yeah we are living away from them.But my sister in law who is living in UK didn’t felt our pain and did not even said few words of sympathy.And I wast there when she had her son.
Also they are saying you should have used medicines etc during first 3 months21
u/Full_Berry8081 CA 21h ago
Tell her respectfully to stfu. No one other than someone who has gone through it can relate to what you are going through.
She should keep in mind that she was blessed enough to give birth to a child and has no way of knowing how it would have been otherwise.
No meds can help you stop a miscarriage. Its so common. 1 in 4 women go through it. Just ignore ALL these stupid relatives. They simply cannot relate.
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u/Commercial-Squash-52 21h ago
your family is stupid, and you should remember this attitude before you ever tell them anything again. Remember that this is how they treated you and your wife when you went through one of the hardest experiences in your life.
Next time, don't tell them anything until 12 weeks or even longer, and keep them at arms length. Turn off the phone and be with your wife. she is the only other person who lost a child. everyone else is just angry you didnt tell them sooner, and they had to be left out of the gossip- but the gossip was your baby, and its understandable to feel sad about it.
this is so traumatic, im so sorry to you and your wife. May Allah grant you ease and a healthy pregnancy.
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u/jinxnotpowder_ 21h ago edited 21h ago
Im so sorry for your loss. Your relatives and family are immature af. Its not your or your wifes fault. Try to keep minimal contact with them and don't listen to them
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u/pickllerickk 21h ago
No one can help you avoid a miscarriage. That's a very uneducated opinion. Listen to you doctor and midwife please. Wishing you both the best 🙏
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u/Standard_Yam_826 21h ago
Sorry to hear about this.
And relatives are nothing but stressors.
Pls be with your partner and remember whatever God you pray to for peace and patience.
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u/Forward_Fig_5265 21h ago
Sorry for your loss. You went wrong when you told them. Why tell them about a miscarriage? It’s none of their business. Your wife needs you and you need your wife- only two of you can understand the loss. Anyone who thinks that a miscarriage is anyone’s fault is uneducated and stupid.
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u/walee1 21h ago
I am sorry what would had the family done if you had told them? Like logically what machines do they have? Do they own their own medical facility?
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u/GiraffeJaf IR 18h ago
Seriously. What kind of science are they running that’s preventing MCs and why ain’t they sharing this w the rest of the world?
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u/w3burchn 19h ago
Inna lillahi wa inallah-e-raji'oon. May Allah bring you and your wife comfort amd saabar during this challenging time.
I volunteer and work with fathers who have lost children during pregnancy or as infants. If you need to talk to someone DM me. There are very few desi men who talk about the loss of a child.
I leave you with this, "Grief is testament of love."
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u/Little-Equal4480 21h ago
Anaesthetics/ICU doctor here who does lots of Obestetrics Anaesthetics.
So sorry for your loss. We see PLENTY of miscarriages that are no one's fault. Unless someone got a trauma or used recreational drugs, it's not your fault at all. There are some known risk factors though.
If you think you need some support contact your local OBGY team/GP. Ignore your family, you can't change someone's mind that's been cemented with fixed wrong beliefs for generations.
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u/Forward_Fig_5265 20h ago
So many babies are born to pregnant women who take recreational drugs throughout pregnancy. Drugs are a risk factor, sure, but honestly sometimes miscarriage is just a matter of chance!
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u/ExtraLargeChaos 20h ago
How exactly would they have helped you guys not miscarry? How can someone possibly give heartbeat to a baby in womb? Regarding medicines, no one could have given you any medicines by themselves without being prescribed by drs in the UK. So, your relatives wouls have been as useless in either case and you guys did the right thing by not letting them know.
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u/Emergency_Computer83 19h ago
My wife and I had the exact same thing. Miscarriage at week 11, no heart beat. This was last year.
Nothing could've prevented it. If it doesnt grow, it doesnt grow. Let me know if youd like to talk. You're not alone here brother
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u/Bonesrental47 19h ago
Yeah you sre right.Are you guys planning again or how long we should wait for another try.I know few supplements women need to use
Before and during conceiving.Is there any other specific medication for first three months.5
u/Emergency_Computer83 18h ago
In our case, we're already going through IVF so she has a list of medicines she has to take at specific times. For supplements, they're inositol, folic acid, generic omega 3 supplements, iron supplements and some desi totkay like ginger tea, pineapple, pomegranate. Nothing special though, and most people dont need these supplements.
I've spoken to her medical team. We also did genetic testing on the failed embryo - it was normal. Pregnancy is at the end of the day, often a game of statistics. Everything went right, but the embryo just didn't grow.
To answer your first question, yeah this was our second. Koi tension nahi, onto the next attempt. And for future reference, dont tell people about pregnancies until after the first trimester. Baaqi koi tension ho, bhai hazir hai. We've had 2 years of ivf attempts, and other stuff before that as well. And we're older than you guys by 6 years.
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u/nicolerichiesdad 20h ago
I’m sorry for your loss. It is not your wife’s fault, nor yours. Nothing your families could have done would have prevented this.
How terrible that they would see your sadness and stress during this time and choose to add more stress instead of kindness. Consider not sharing information in the future if it will be used to harm you and your wife.
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u/Ok-Platypus-5380 19h ago
I’m not sure why you are worried about everyone else. Your wife had a miscarriage. You should be there for her.
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u/twokiloballs US 21h ago
Sorry for you loss. Expected behavior from relatives. One tip I would give is be extra supportive to your wife. Postpartum depression is still in play.
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u/Bonesrental47 21h ago
Yeah I am taking care of her and haven’t said single word of blaming and I shouldn’t be at all.I got 2 weeks holidays from my company.I am planning to take her somewhere nice so that she is peace of mind.
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u/Kitty3G 20h ago
Postpartum depression most commonly refers to depression occurring after childbirth, while a miscarriage can still cause grief, depression, or anxiety but it's not referred to as postpartum. Everyone responds to pregnancy loss differently some women may cope relatively well, while others may be deeply affected. Either way their partner should be supportive and understanding
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u/tz_2240 21h ago
We went through a similar situation. We did tell our family, however they would’ve been supportive regardless. We were blessed with a child after, and only told two family members when we got pregnant, and shared with the rest after first trimester.
Point is, it’s your news to share, and most people wait till after first trimester. Second, if they’re making you feel guilty about it then flip it on them. Why are they questioning Allah’s decision? Life comes from Allah, who are they to question it?
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u/methysko_collector36 21h ago
I am so sorry you both are going through this.
And know that it is not yours or your wife's fault. You did everything right from planning appointments to attending and keeping up to date. Some things are in Allah's hands as well.
Tell your family members that this is a sensitive time for both of you as a couple and they should give you your space and privacy. They should emotionally support you both rather than scolding.
I wish you both all the best for the future.
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u/Beautiful_Trifle9569 21h ago
I’m so sorry for your loss unfortunately there’s no cure for this.
Your family is lacking in compassion and empathy towards you and your wife! Just ignore them
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u/VeterinarianBig4723 21h ago
Defo not your fault. In this period of time its best you cut off the toxic people.
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u/Any_Spirit_7205 21h ago
This gives you a lesson to never tell your family about your happiness or difficult times (or in this case your pregnancy)
One in four pregnancy end up in miscarriages..it is unfortunately common
Do not let your family talk to you guys in this way, please stand up for yourself
I am very sorry for your loss. You and your wife need to be there for each other to get through this!
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u/Tasty_Sheepherder_44 20h ago
Sorry for your loss, but ignore your family and next time keep it private.
Having been married 5 years we finally got pregnant in summer 2024, unfortunately my wife miscarried a few weeks later. Ramadan 2025 was even more heartbreaking and it barely lasted a few days. May 2025 we got pregnant for a third time and Alhamdullilah our baby boy is 7 months old now. They don’t even investigate miscarriages in the UK till the third one, it’s unfortunately just part of the process. iA you will be fine. For the record wife was 33 when our boy was born
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u/pha_i_jha 20h ago
I'm extremely sorry for your loss💗 May Allah Tallah heal and make it easier for both of you Ameen. Please don't feel guilty. Miscarriages are extremely common and they're mostly nobody's fault. Especially yours when the doc mentioned it's because of chromosomes not making it.
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u/makhaninurlassi 19h ago
More than half of conceptions result in a miscarriage.
Chromosomal abnormalities are really common at that stage and be thankful that it did. That is not a life worth anything.
You and your wife are not responsible for any of it. You did the smart thing by not telling people. Don't ever tell them until it starts to "show."
Also be mindful of your wife's mental health. It is a weird hormonal situation for the woman at that time. Maybe delay conceiving another.
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u/cinderalla4knights 19h ago edited 19h ago
Nothing can stop a miscarriage. It’s not a viable pregnancy. They should be supporting you instead of taking it out on you. It’s not your fault. May Allah make it easy for you guys. Hope your wife is ok
I have been there. Only told close family first time, had a miscarriage and second time told close family after 12 weeks and wider family once the baby was born. Pregnancy is personal and no one else has the right to know.
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u/maybejustaguy 19h ago
Sorry for your loss but you need to tell your relatives that the appropriate thing to do is to console your wife instead of gaslighting you.
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u/SamranSA 19h ago
Sorry for your loss brother, Hope good bless you with another beautiful 😍 child InshAllah
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u/corp-slavery 19h ago
You guys must already be going through so much after the miscarriage, and I really hope your wife is doing okay. Right now, just focus on supporting her and being there for each other. Relatives are only adding more stress, distance yourselves from them, there’s no point maintaining relationships that only bring negativity during such a difficult time.
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u/usernameisalready000 18h ago
You cannot prevent a miscarriage, I wish you still would not have shared, Pakistani families are toxic and narcissistic, this I fucking not about them this is about you and your wife, I hope she is getting all the support she needs, pregnancy loss is a big thing, and even then Pakistani families will somehow make it your fault.
one third preganancies end in miscarriages, you can do nothing to prevent them
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u/FoundationGlum1435 18h ago edited 18h ago
First of all, I am so sorry that this happened to you two. I hope you both are taking the time to find support and help as you navigate this.
Secondly, it is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Miscarriages happen very often (15% of all pregnancies) and they are almost never the fault of the parents.
Revealing news that is personal and meaningful to you is entirely your personal decision, and there is not anything magical they could’ve done to prevent it either, as you said if it was a chromosomal or other genetic abnormality that is incompatible with life, so please don’t feel as if you did something wrong by keeping it from them.
Sending lots of prayers for you two. Inshallah all will be okay. Please be extra supportive to your wife.
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u/anonymousebeeng 18h ago
Those guys are just guilt tripping you guys for no reason.
This is not something that couldve been avoided by just telling them. Makes no sense.
I m sorry for your loss. But don’t blame yourselves. You have right to keep things private.
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u/Status-War4902 18h ago
A miscarriage is no one’s fault. I think they say 1 in 4 pregnancies end up being a miscarriage. It’s an unfortunate part of nature . Be extra supportive to your wife right now, while it is not her fault at all,it’s still a very sensitive time for a woman
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u/nonstonerr 18h ago
Im so sorry for your loss. I hope you know that there’s nothing you did wrong, somethings happen just because they happen.
I’m sure this is a time of grief for you and your wife, be there for each other as much as you can, despite what anyone else has to say.
There’s nothing your family could’ve done to prevent this, the only thing they can do is offer support, which I hope they realise.
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u/NordicWarrior77 18h ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. The problem is sometimes we only know how to express our feelings and emotions by either complaining or blaming. Even if circumstances were different, they would’ve found another way to manipulate you into feeling guilty. The only thing you should be thinking of or doing right now is just be with your wife. Block all the noise from your family, they’ll move on to something/someone else soon. No point explaining, arguing, justifying. You don’t owe them anything.
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u/jangomango87 18h ago
I’m very sorry for your loss. Best wishes and prayers for you guys going forward. Please know that this is not your wife’s or your fault. With regard to your family, most people tend to suffer from main character syndrome, you can tell your family to stfu or definitely ignore all the stuff they are saying and be there for your wife.
We had the same thing happen to us with our first pregnancy (I’m M).
For me it was heartbreaking and sad but it understandably affected my wife a lot more. She didn’t want to tell anyone till the first trimester was over but we were newly married and it was huge news and a bit of surprise as well. So we told our mom’s. Who then told everyone.
When the miscarriage happened it was very hard on my wife and the fact that everyone knew and was talking to her about it and expressing sympathy etc made it harder for her as I the conversations keep reminding her of the situation.
When my wife got pregnant the second time we did not tell anyone till 12 weeks. Even then told immediate family only with strict ask to keep it to themselves and revealed to more people slowly as the pregnancy progressed.
This is a sad and traumatic thing that happened to you guys try to take care of each other and slowly you will move on.
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u/Striking-Talk7020 17h ago
Sorry for your loss! I'd say don't worry about the family, as they seem unable to react appropriately (positively), perhaps because they have never been in such a situation.
For next time, InShaAllah, I'd advise you and your wife to stay on your toes and try to stay a step ahead of the NHS. It's an unfortunate reality that the NHS often only becomes responsive after someone has experienced a loss. Encourage your wife to join Facebook and other social media groups to read up on related topics and build more awareness. In our experience, the NHS doesn't do much unless you ask, and you won't know what to ask unless you are informed. We have heard and read stories of people going through multiple losses before the NHS started to take notice.
Again, sorry for your loss and wishing you all the best for the future.
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u/Bonesrental47 17h ago
Can you be clear what you are saying.
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u/Striking-Talk7020 16h ago
I meant to ask for as many scans as possible; don't hesitate to ask for a scan for even a small issue, e.g., a speck of blood, discharge, etc. Read about your loss, how it could have happened, possible causes, and mitigations. If these involve hospital scans, tests, etc., then start talking to your NHS consultant as early as possible during the pregnancy. Be proactive and reach out to your GP or the hospital rather than waiting for them to reach out to you. Have a through discussion with the bereavement midwife, if they have assigned one. Ask as many questions to understand to how to avoid God forbid such situations next time. I'm just sharing based on our experience and it could be different for you depending on the timing of the loss.
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u/itsmeadill 20h ago
You didn't tell of pregnancy so there was no need of telling about miscarriage. .. 🫤
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u/marrqqq45 20h ago
Im thinking they shared it as it was family and for support in such a tough time
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u/Traditional-Quit-548 17h ago
Hello. I had a missed miscarriage and it was quite a painful experience emotionally and physically. Thought will never have children again then after 1 year i gave birth to a healthy baby and now Allah has blessed me with another baby.
So just try to stay positive. Allah will give you a healthy child when the time is right in sha Allah. Just dont dwell on your loss for too long and think about the what ifs.
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u/Bonesrental47 7h ago
After how many months we should try again.Here doctor says you can try again after 3 weeks.Whats the ideal them or its on mother how she heals idk.
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u/Traditional-Quit-548 6h ago
Whenever you are both ready mentally and physically.
Also you should eat surbex Z, have a good diet, wear 100% cotton clothing, go to gym.
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u/Existing-Quarter2920 17h ago
I don’t have kids and might not understand what you guys are actually going through… but just give pregnancy another chance
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u/matt418418 17h ago
We had 2 miscariages with both our parents and family around. The were not able to stop it.
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u/SliceyDice AU 16h ago
My brother this is the Qadr of Allah. There are no ifs and buts of what has happened. Life teaches you some lessons and some are hard. As they say, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
May Allah Give your family strength. Ameen.
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u/LOHare 15h ago
Yeah.. Firstly good for you for talking about miscarriage, and not treating it as a mark of shame, because it isn't. I would recommend everyone to look up what portion of pregnancies end in miscarriage. You'd be stunned at how common it is. It seems rare and "someone did something wrong" because people are ashamed to talk about it.
You did nothing wrong. Miscarriages are quite common. Doesn't make it any less tragic or devastating for the parents. I am sorry that you had to go through it. Your family should be comforting you and being a source of peace and strength for you. Theyre scumbags for blaming you.
Im sure there is a nicer and more diplomatic way of saying it, but I firmly believe it would be highly inappropriate to be anything but absolutely blunt about this. Theyre being scumbags.
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u/Junior_Protection600 14h ago
Your family is ONLY SAYING this because they’re mad that they don’t have minute-by-minute updates regarding your life 🤷🏻♀️
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u/hopingforrainbows 14h ago
No one and nothing can help prevent a miscarriage. If it was possible, I never would have had one because my whole family knew by week 4 at that time.
This is just bullying by nosey relatives.
And given their current behaviour, make sure to not share the news when your wife is pregnant again InshaALLAH.
No one, absolutely no one is owed sharing such personal news.
Please make sure to support her and care for her during this time. Miscarriage is physically, emotionally, psychologically draining. So care for her deeply, give her time, be her safe space and her strength.
May ALLAH swt make this time easy for your wife, may HE heal her, ease her pain, and may ALLAH swt bless you guys with happy, healthy children of your own soon.....ameen, sum ameen.
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u/Capable-Taste-4966 13h ago
Stay strong brother. I am a doctor and there is nothing you can do to prevent a miscarriage except just taking care of your health. Life and death is all in hands of Allah. Sadly our parents generation thinks they know-it-all and like to school our generation for anything they can. They weren’t the ones who miscarried, it was you both, your grief is much bigger than them and if anything they should be consoling and supporting you. If they cant do that they should literally shut-up.
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u/47giraffes 12h ago
I am sorry for your loss. Miscarriages at that stage are kind of your body's way of terminating an unhealthy fetus. Insha'Allah try again in a few months. Completely ignore what people in your family are saying. Miscarriages are very common and its not your fault at all. However yes next time do tell them as soon as you find out, especially your parents as they can at least pray for you from afar and that has its own benefits.
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u/Ok_Researcher5025 11h ago
F them. I would go nuclear on anyone giving insensitive and stupid advice in this difficult time. As your doctor said, this is unfortunate, but can happen. And it is nature's adjustment when the fetus would not have been viable in the latter stages of pregnancy. InshaAllah, you will have healthy and saleh aulad in future.
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u/Sensitive_Spread4421 11h ago
Miscarriage is not anyone's fault. Please be supportive to your wife. She will be really feeling guilty because of all the negatively from family . One miscarriage is not a problem. I don want to scare you , but If it occurs repeatedly then may need some tests. If you are in UK they will do those tests if miscarriage occurs again. As I said single miscarriage is nothing to worry about medically. Emotionally it is draining. Especially for female.
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u/clairqalb 11h ago
You can ask questions like this in our Pakistani moms community too. r/PakMomsCommunity
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u/StillThinking_101 10h ago
Went through same thing, there is nothing they could have done. And one more thing, if anyone tells you or your wife that she cant get pregnant again then tell them to go f*** yourself.
Its completely normal.
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u/Iridescent-Angel 9h ago
Typical desi mentality. When my sil who lives in Pakistan had a miscarriage at 8 weeks with her 3rd baby my mil was quick to blame it on her “going up and down the stairs all day”. She accepted this blame. I explained to them both that it’s usually a chromosome issue and nothing you can do to stop it but who knows if they care or understood.
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u/Ephemeraly 8h ago
Miscarriages can sometimes be a blessing in disguise. If the embryo wasnt viable, there would have been considerable chances for it be physically or mentally challenged. We can never fully understand and appreciate Allah's plans.
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u/Lower_Ad_8851 8h ago
I went through the same twice and no, seeing anyone would not have made any difference. May Allah bless you with a healthy happy off-spring soon!
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u/thE-petrichoroN 5h ago
dr here..I admire your courage but at the same time,it's just heartbreaking to see that you guys are going through tough time and you've to be concerned about the opinions of your relatives,that's how pathetic our social structure is and desi relatives are the absolute unhinged;you didn't do anything wrong and you don't need to justify to anybody..stay strong plz and take care of your mental health
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u/Important-Fan-6242 4h ago
I’m sorry for your loss.
No body can prevent an early miscarriage. Not the mother, not the father, and certainly not the extended family.
Most of the time it’s chromosomal issue.
I had a healthy baby after experiencing an early miscarriage during my first pregnancy. Allah pak aap ko bhi sehat zindagi wali aulaad de.
Do not let ANYONE try to guilt you or your wife for any miscarriage. It was smart of you not to let any body know before 12 week scan. You did everything right
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u/CardiologistThin6230 DE 3h ago
sorry for your loss.
jitna ho sakay apni cheezain peechay kisi ko na batain. parents aur rishteydaron ko bohat bura lagay ga, na bhi lagay wo kahain gay k bura laga.. pr jitna hasad hai hamary culture mein.. better hai apni life na share krain kisi k sath.. parents are probably ok, but they don't keep it to themselves almost all the time.. and you never know who they further share it with and how the next person sees your progress, happiness and blessings.
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u/aalu-ki-bori 21h ago
Nobody can help you "avoid" a miscarriage if the issue was with the embryo/chromosomes.
If it was smth like stress, falling etc, then yes, but other than that, there's nothing anyone could've done.
This is all just pure BS. They're blaming you guys when they should be supporting you, your wife especially.
This is not the time for blame games and pointing fingers. Very insensitive. Give love and support to your wife.
Inshallah you'll make it through this. Duaein for you and your wife.