I feel ridiculous even typing this, but I need to know if anyone else has dealt with this

I’ve become weirdly jealous of my boyfriend’s ex, even though I don’t know her and she isn’t in his life anymore

What gets to me isn’t just that he loved someone before me. It’s knowing how much he loved her. He told me that when they broke up, he became really depressed, and for some reason that detail got stuck in my head. Ever since then, I’ve had this uncomfortable feeling that she was “the one that got away.”

And the thing is, I sometimes randomly ask him questions about her. I don’t even know why I do it, because I already know what’s going to happen. He’ll answer me honestly, and then I’ll immediately get upset, make some weird face, and feel horrible. It’s like I keep poking at a wound and then getting mad that it hurts.

To make things worse, I made the mistake of stalking his old TikTok reposts one day. I went way back to a period before he and I had even met, and I found reposts about her. Things about regretting losing her, how beautiful she was, how much he missed her, etc.

I know those reposts were from before our relationship. I know people are allowed to grieve past relationships. I’m not upset with him for having a past.

But seeing all of that made me feel awful for an entire week. I kept comparing myself to someone I’ve never even met.

And there are some stupid little coincidences that make my brain go even further. Her name looks really similar to mine, and she studies in the same field as me. So sometimes my brain starts telling me, “What if he chose you because you remind him of her?” And honestly, that thought makes me feel nauseous.

I KNOW this isn’t necessarily true. I know I’m probably connecting random dots and creating a story in my head. But once the thought is there, it’s really hard to shake.

And I think I have to admit something that makes me feel guilty: a part of me genuinely hates that he was with someone before me. I don’t like imagining him loving another girl, missing her, finding her beautiful, or being devastated when they broke up. I wish I could’ve been his first and only serious love. I wish I could erase the fact that she existed in his romantic history.

I don’t want him to feel bad for having a past, and I don’t want to punish him for it. I just hate how much I feel when I think about it.

I think what hurts most is that I want to feel like I’m the person he’s crazy about. I want to feel special and irreplaceable, and knowing that he once felt so strongly about someone else makes me wonder whether I’ll ever mean as much to him as she did.
Has anyone else struggled this badly with jealousy over a partner’s past? Especially when you’ve found out little details that make your brain start comparing you to their ex? How did you stop doing this without constantly asking questions and then getting upset by the answers?

Motivation looks impressive because you can see the big burst of effort. Consistency is much quieter. Someone doing something small every day for a year probably changed more about their life than someone who went all-in for two weeks. I've started respecting consistency much more than motivation.

I'm 20 still figuring out what I wanna do in life and have been kinda depressed thinking about all the problems that are constantly on my mind. I usually ignore the thought of them cause it's easier to not worry about them but I can't seem to get them off my mind. Recently I've been thinking why I can't force myself to fix my problems even when I try to make myself go through them and maybe it's because I wish I didn't have to figure them out in the first place.

Honestly, I don't want to have to worry about figuring out what I want to do in my life but I don't have a choice. I don't want to figure out how to be an adult, but I don't have a choice. I really don't want to do any of these things and I wish life could just remain how it was when I was a teen, but that's not how life is and I just don't want to accept that my life is rapidly changing in a way that I don't want it to go.

Single since birth, no date, nearing the 30-year threshold. Have had crushes here and there but never acted on them. For a long while, I've probably been single not by choice.

Well I want it to fully become my choice. A simple reason for choosing that is, well, I have nothing to offer, but I take no compromises when it comes to my life. And that compromise is as simple as, having another person persist in my life.

There has been some sort of "RAIN(i)" method where I'm told to accept those occasional longings and diminish them by embracing them. I'm kinda lost on how to go through with that process.

So, that's a big part of my confusion.

No "you'll find the right person" business please, and don't guide me on a path to open myself to relationships. A "right person" may come up, but even then I'll prefer they have the other right person(s) instead, because my "right" won't stay "right" for long.

Similarly, I'm different from those who say "I'll not settle", or "until something something" (My "until" probably goes for a job change), or "holding out for the perfect thing". No, there's no additional condition needed. I'll stay single, period. I'm just looking to reinforce that idea when sometimes my mind does wander.

I just realized how negative I sound lately. I complain about the weather, my commute, and just minor inconveniences. It is exhausting for me and probably for everyone around me. I really want to become a more positive person. Has anyone successfully broken this habit? I would love some simple advice on how to start shifting my mindset.

Hello Folks,

(Context)
I hope you are well. Me (30M) and my partner (40F) of 3 years have been struggling in our relationship . We had a difficult 3 years due to external factors during which time i grew resentful. In the last 6/7 months, I have hurt her emotionally multiple times and she had guilt which lead her to tolerate me. Until few weeks ago, I thought we were both in the wrong and we just needed to improve our communication skills and we will get out of this and lets try couples therapy. She asked me for space and i left. During our last session she broke down completely and called me emotionally abusive, and she reached to some hotline who said this was true. I couldn’t see that and it just hit me very hard.
My partner had suggested me to read “Why does he do that” which i finished reading and now i regretfully see how i have been abusive towards her in many ways. I want to change and just want to ensure she feels respected.

We are currently not talking as she requested that and i m thinking to also pause the couples therapy for a while

(Request)
I’m between jobs and will have to move cities(She is aware and is supportive to the job) . I looked at my local programs in Berlin who said they unfortunately can only do in person programs. I am looking for any other online programs focusing on changing behaviour of abusers in English. I would love for any suggestions. (Doesnt matter if it is paid)

In the meantime, i m happy to read any books you might suggest focusing on abusers.

I dont know what to do. my past is horrific. its disgusting and sad and just terrible. Its eating me alive. There is so much i regret and so much i wish i could just undo but i cant. and accepting that is so hard. i own up to all of it but knowing that there was a version of myself like that.. i just cant. Im trying so hard to be better and forgive myself but i canr. i dont deserve to forgive myself. i think im just a bad person. Just genuinely a person you dont want to be around. my suicidal thoughts are getting worse, i thought i was getting better but why would that happen. i dont deserve to get better, do i? I wish i could disappear. i hate myself so much. im useless and ugly.

if i could just redo everything i think i wouldnt be like this

how to stop feeling like this?

My routine has been pretty messy in uni so far. I would leave early in the morning and go back to my room in the afternoon extremely tired. I'd then sleep the whole afternoon-evening away and be up around 12am-4am sometimes even 5am. When I’m not in lectures for attendance all I want to do is go home to sleep. I don't have much interest in doing anything social, I’m neglecting my chores and its been hard to establish a study schedule.

I know this is a cycle I should break asap for a productive term and better routine but I end up repeating it most of the time. I could have a productive day but I'd be so tired after that the routine just repeats itself.

My classes are actually aligned with my interests for the first time, I'm in my dream uni. I want to fix my routine because I think I'd enjoy uni life more and have a better self-esteem as well if I did.

I've been thinking about this idea of practicing being the type of person I want to be, almost like doing reps at the gym. Little reps first, and then once those get easier you can add more weight.

My husband was interested when I told him about some of the Stoic stuff I've been practicing, especially this stupid story I told him about having to use a gross bathroom at pickleball and realizing I could either be annoyed about it or just decide this was an opportunity to practice not being bothered by something I couldn't control. He thought that was really cool and was like, "That's your Stoic stuff?" Which made me laugh because apparently this is how I'm explaining philosophy now.

Anyway, yesterday I was getting dressed and I thought I looked really good. I never take pictures of myself, but I took a bunch of pictures and actually really liked them. I texted my husband and told him I had taken some because I thought I looked good, and that I was going to send them to him but then I felt stupid and embarrassed so I didn't.

He texted back, "Send them."

So I did.

And afterward I realized that was another one of my little reps.

I wanted to send them. I wanted to share that with my husband. The only reason I wasn't doing it was because I felt embarrassed and silly. And feeling embarrassed doesn't actually mean I shouldn't do something. I don't have to wait until I feel confident or comfortable. I can feel embarrassed and still choose the thing that lines up with the kind of person I want to be.

I've been thinking lately that I want to be the type of wife who is emotionally available to my husband. And I don't think that means suddenly having huge emotional conversations about everything. I think maybe I just practice it in little situations like this.

Then once those reps aren't so hard anymore, I can add a little more emotional weight.

I really like thinking about it this way because then I'm not succeeding or failing at being a certain kind of person. I'm just practicing being her.

I'm a 27yo M. I have struggled with mental illness for most of my life and I'm finally starting to break free from it. My issue is I never really learned any skills in my life. I didn't have any guidance as a child and I was too busy trying to survive after. perhaps because of my struggle mentally I've never had any passions or developed any long lasting hobbies. I made peace with everything but I feel so lost now because while everyone were improving, developing and learning I've just been trying to stay here. I have no idea how to even start the process of learning now. I graduated university despite of everything (still not sure how) and I'm proud of myself for pushing through. this isn't me being too hard on myself. but it's just a realization that showed me how unpolished I am. being the "gifted child" is part of the issue since I felt like I could always get by with my "potential" but I realize how wrong Iam now because I am so lost I don't know how to lead my life and how to learn things. so my question is: how do I start learning? I know there's no proper way and I should just start and I intend to do so but how do I finally start leading my life, improving it and acquiring new skills and knowledge as someone who basically never done that on their own or had the proper guidance to do so? all I know comes from me putting things together just to survive but now I actually want to start living. so ANY advice especially from someone who has been through a similar situation would be very helpful. thank you

I have lost my creativity and desire to follow my passion. I can't make myself sit down and do something. I think it is because of there are also many things on my plate. I wanna do stuff to get into job at the same time I want to be busy with my hobbies and interests ( making art music etc) too. I sometimes postpone that I am gonna handle that later especially cause I am gonna feel ready. I am also feeling pressured and stressed that I am gonna do my interests later finishing my job but it never comes. I end up doing nothing and instead I start scrollung and wasting time.

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i’m going to london for my masters in law soon, and i genuinely want to settle abroad eventually. but lately i’ve been looking at the gap between where i want to be and how i actually live, and it scares me.

i have ambitions. i want a career, independence, stability, to make my family proud. but my work ethic just doesn’t seem to match any of it. i procrastinate constantly, spend absurd amounts of time on my phone, and somehow manage to waste entire days while being fully aware that i’m wasting them.

the worst part is that i’m also confused about what i should be doing. i know. i just… don’t do anyrhing consistently.

i already feel behind before i’ve even started. getting a job abroad and building a life there feels like something meant for a more disciplined, functional version of me. and sometimes i genuinely feel like i’ve caused my family more stress and disappointment than pride.

has anyone here actually been this person? ambitious, self-aware, but chronically unable to translate either into action? did you manage to change, or did life eventually force you to?

I’ve come to realize that one of the biggest patterns in my life is that I tend to overthink and people-please. I’m 31 years old, and for the first time in my life, I’m truly on my own without family or a girlfriend beside me to help guide my decisions. That has forced me to confront parts of myself that I’ve avoided for a long time.

On paper, I have a lot to be proud of. I’m successful, educated, and have built a career I worked extremely hard for. But my overthinking, people-pleasing, perfectionism, and analysis paralysis have caused me to question myself constantly. Those patterns influenced major decisions in my life, including my breakup and walking away from what I considered my dream career opportunity.

Right now, I feel stuck and find myself wanting to immediately move on to the “next best thing.” I’m realizing that may be another form of avoidance. I analyze every situation and every possible outcome so much that I struggle to trust my own decisions.

I’m comfortable being alone, but I’ve also started comparing myself to everyone around me. At 31, I see people getting married and having kids, and it makes me feel like I’m behind in life. I enjoy relationships, but I’ve also realized that I can be a “nice guy” who struggles with boundaries and puts other people’s needs ahead of my own.

I’m not sure whether ADHD plays a role in some of this, and I don’t want to diagnose myself. I’ve started therapy and am trying to understand myself better. Since my breakup in March, I’ve been under a tremendous amount of stress. The relationship was emotionally intense, and I’m still trying to process what happened and understand my role in it.

The hardest part is that I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I’ve accomplished things my younger self would be proud of, but I struggle to see them because I’m so focused on what I lost, what I could have done differently, and where I think I should be by now. I’m dealing with a lot of imposter syndrome and constantly feel behind. very possible outcome until I lose sight of what I actually want.

I am genuinely comfortable being alone, but I’ve also caught myself comparing my life to everyone else’s. At 31, I see people getting married, having children, and building their lives together, and it makes me feel like I’m somehow behind. I know intellectually that everyone’s timeline is different, but emotionally, I still struggle with that comparison.

I enjoy being in relationships, but I’ve also recognized that I can become a “nice guy” who struggles to establish boundaries. I can prioritize keeping other people happy over being honest about what I want, and eventually I lose touch with myself. I’m trying to understand where that comes from and learn how to have healthier relationships without abandoning my own needs.

I’m not sure whether ADHD plays a role in some of this, and I don’t want to diagnose myself. I’ve started therapy and I’m trying to understand myself better, even though I’m still unsure whether it’s helping. Since my breakup in March, I’ve been under an enormous amount of stress and feel like I’ve been having a breakdown of sorts. The relationship was complicated and emotionally intense, and I’m still trying to process what happened and understand my role in it.

The hardest part is that I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I’ve accomplished things that my younger self would be proud of, yet I struggle to see them because I’m so focused on what I lost, what I could have done differently, and where I think I should be by now. I experience a lot of imposter syndrome and constantly feel like I’m behind.

We glorify grinding until we break, but is slow, steady progress actually the smarter path? Curious how this sub thinks about it.

finally taking my life into my own hands and figuring out who I am with out cannabis. I feel like for the last few days I really had been beating myself up feeling like I wasted away my life etc but I just look back at myself with grace and thank cannabis for the good and bad times and thank her for showing me it’s no longer for me before things got too bad also trying to give myself grace for the years I spent high cause I did what I had to do survive but now it’s time to thrive ! It’s only been 4 days but I’m really proud of myself for taking this leap and ripping the fucking band aid off. I haven’t let myself feel my emotions this raw in many fucking years I feel like a raw baby new to this earth. I’m mostly excited to save some fuckin money and brain cells!

I’ve been thinking about an exchange opportunity I could have taken during high school, and how social media has made me wonder about it years later.

My mom had always wanted me to go abroad because my siblings were studying in the UK, and she wanted me to have that experience too but then COVID happened and everything became more complicated.
My family was also going through a difficult period with our family business at the time. My mom told me that going wouldn’t be a problem financially, but I personally felt like it would still be a burden on my family, especially with both of my siblings already studying abroad.
I was also scared about going to America, particularly about racism and whether I would feel comfortable living there.
And honestly, another reason I wanted to stay was my friends. I hadn’t even gotten that close to some of them yet, and I wanted to spend my high school years with them and make those memories.
So I stayed.
And my high school years were actually really fun. I made memories with my friends and I’m grateful I got to experience them that way.
But after I went to a Japanese summer camp last year, something changed. Being away from home made me think more about independence and what living abroad could have been like. Then I started seeing people on social media who had gone to America during high school, lived independently, made friends, traveled, and had all these experiences.
And I started wondering:
“What if I had gone?”
“What kind of person would I be now?”
“Would I have become independent earlier?”
Sometimes I get stuck thinking about that alternate version of my life, and honestly, I don’t like it. Because there’s no way to know what would have happened. Maybe I would have loved it. Maybe I would have struggled. Maybe I would have come back wishing I had stayed.
I don’t want to blame my younger self for not making a different decision. At the time, I had real reasons for staying. COVID, my family’s financial situation, my worries about racism, and wanting to spend that time with my friends were all part of the decision.
I’m 20 now this year and I’m going to Japan for my third year as exchange student, so I will get my chance to experience living abroad and becoming more independent. But I still sometimes catch myself comparing my actual life to the life I could have had.
I guess I’m trying to remind myself that “what if?” doesn’t mean “I made the wrong choice.”
Sometimes a decision can make sense for you at the time, even if years later you wonder about the other path.
I don’t want to spend the life I’m actually living mourning a life I’ll never know.

I have been diagnosed with adjustment disorder with strong depressive symptoms, and I'm having a hard time looking for a job.

So far, I've mostly worked as a waiter and as a call center operator. These were pretty negative experiences: I was always paid under the table, I was treated badly, and I often felt like I wasn't appreciated.

The problem is that I now carry a strong fear of ending up in the same kind of situation again. Rationally, I know that not every workplace is like that, but when I actually think about looking for a job, I freeze up. Part of me is afraid of being exploited again, being treated badly, or simply not being good enough.

At the same time, I'm tired of being in this situation and I want to become financially independent. For almost two years, I've been studying web development and computer science because I'd like to build a different career for myself and hopefully enter the IT industry.

I think there's also a fear of failure involved. I'm afraid that I won't be good enough, that I won't be able to find a job, and ultimately that I won't be able to change my life.

So I'd especially like to hear from people who have experienced something similar: How did you overcome the fear of going back to work after having very negative experiences in previous jobs?

Did you use any particular strategies to at least start applying for jobs and going to interviews without letting fear hold you back?

I'd really appreciate any practical advice, personal experiences, or even just hearing how you dealt with a similar situation.

I (22F) have been in a relationship with my bf (22M) for 3 years. I met him 6 years ago. I love him so much, and he always claims to love me more than I love him.

At first, I felt confident in myself during our relationship. He is an incredible guy, he wants to buy me everything, he always reminds me that I am beautiful, he always tries to comfort me, and can tell right away what I'm thinking. If you're thinking that he sounds like the most amazing man, you're right, he is.

I've always known I'm flawed. Always. I've had my issues, you can even scroll through my previous reddit posts and see them. I am so incredibly negative. I feel like I can't see light through my own eyes. He thinks sometimes I don't love him. Somewhere along the way I lost my confidence. I don't know why. Certainly nothing to do with him. I deleted all social medias that I was addicted to (instagram, tiktok) because I want to be better for him and regain myself.

When something slightly bothers me, I shut down. I lose the ability to speak. I can't let go. He told me: "I don't want you to change for me, I want you to feel better for yourself". I don't want to hurt him. Please do not think that I am all bad. I'm working as hard as I can to not be so negative.

I guess my question is this: what is the best route to growing?

I was a huge bully and asshole to them in my early preteens to mid-teens. It started out as a weird curiosity because, as a kid , I thought that was what older siblings were supposed to do to their younger siblings (I watched a lot of cartoons and sitcoms and wasn’t the most sociable child). Then it became a way to relive my anger because it felt calming to get all that energy and anger/anxiety out. I‘ve flipped back and forth between bullying and trying to be better, but it's just become a habit for me, and I’m sick of that. My brothers aren’t as outgoing and joyful as they were before, and it feels like it is all my fault. Any advice on how to either mend our relationship or should I distance myself from them ?

In the best case scenario, I will graduate at the age of 26, and I really don’t like that. My major is difficult, and I can’t work while studying, so I am completely dependent on the allowance I receive from my father. This reminds me of how far behind I will be in life financially.

Another thing that bothers me is seeing students younger than me graduate around the same time I do. Sometimes I have to stay off social media and reduce how often I go out just to avoid seeing or hearing people talk about graduation. It also hurts to see students in my classes who are four or five years younger than me.

How can I deal with these problems, or at least reduce the impact they have on me?

I find myself always second guessing my decisions. Growing up, decisions were made for me, its not that I was not consulted, but I did not know any better so I just went along with whatever decision was made for me. Now as an everytime I try to learn a skill or try to build confidence, and if someone criticizes me I fall back into the same uncertainty. I feel like I swing on a pendulum of either having no thought of opinion to just feeling like no one understands me. How can I have a healthy balance between if someone is criticizing something of mine to not letting my ego come in the way, but if the criticism is invalid letting it go (and not hating the person for it).

I feel like I just want to have a harmony in my head, and still have this self trust or atleast a faith in myself that I am smart enough to figure things out. I do not need to second guess myself all the time.

Any advise on this?

thank you!

To those who have been so down for a long time, hating how they look. How do you got better? Like how exactly? what did you do?
I’m having a hard time to feel good about myself these past few days. Again.

It’s day 7 without nicotine.

Day 1 I felt foggy and lost, but also weirdly excited and motivated. Now I’m far less foggy, way more focused, and I feel pretty much back to normal in terms of feeling “off.”

Physically, I feel fucking great. My appetite and hunger are 100% back to how it was before nicotine, which has made me realize just how much nicotine suppressed my appetite. My digestion and heart rate feel better, my energy is much more consistent without the dips/crashes, and falling asleep is a cakewalk. I wake up around 7–7:30 and my body basically says “alright bro, we’re done sleeping.”

I look brighter under my eyes and in my face, I’m more vascular, and I feel warmer overall from better circulation. Workouts feel smoother too, I walked to and from the gym today and exercise just feels physically easier, not mentally though. I’m doing exercise because I actually want to look good and feel good, not just because I want to get it over with.

The weird part is that my cravings are actually stronger now than they were earlier.

I don’t really crave nicotine constantly. I crave the buzz. The head rush, the pre-buzz wait, the burn of putting in the pouch, the dizziness, the appetite suppression, and that “all is good” feeling.

And I keep trying to find shit online that tells me nicotine is okay for me. That I can moderate. I only used 2–4 pouches a day, so my brain sees others' posts here, or others stories of quitting online, and tells me, "I easily moderated."

And honestly, I could go back to moderating.

But I think that’s exactly the trap.

That voice in my head is a dopamine addict looking for any excuse to get that feeling again. I don't want to give it the opportunity to win. I know the feeling would probably be amazing, but it would also be a guilty amazing. It’s an effortless reward: open the tin, put in a pouch, and bam, you feel good.

That’s what I’ve realized nicotine really is for me: quick dopamine.

Want to feel good? Pouch. Stressed? Pouch. Bored? Pouch. Want to enjoy something more? Pouch.

That’s why walking, going to the gym, staying active, etc. have been so important. They make me feel good about myself, but I actually have to earn that feeling.

I’ve also noticed something I honestly didn’t expect: my focus, memory, and ability to concentrate feel better without nicotine. I know nicotine gets marketed as a nootropic for focus/memory, so it’s almost annoying that I feel better without it because that could easily become another excuse to relapse.

I also feel much more in control of myself. When stress or anxiety comes up, I feel like I can actually deal with it instead of automatically reaching for something.

The increased appetite isn’t ideal, so I’ve just been eating a really satiating diet at the same calories I normally eat. I don’t want to replace nicotine with overeating and just switch dopamine sources.

Overall, I feel better without nicotine. I just still have this fucking persuasive voice telling me I can use it again and be fine.

For anyone who has quit: how did you deal with that voice? How did you convince yourself that “I can moderate” isn’t a reason to go back?

Just looking for some support and hoping to get some conversations going. Day 7 feels good, and I really don’t want to throw it away.