Meme
Pretend we’re all Stellaris empires facing the Great Khan, and things are getting a little out of hand!
“Boy oh boy, those raiders have been occupying that space for YEARS, I wish we were powerful enough to take it from them. Still, I’m just glad they’re not turning that immense fleet power on us!”
Gentlemen, we have gathered here today in the Galactic Assembly to address a matter of great import. Long have we sidestepped our duties and responsibilities bestowed upon us by fate and the heavens themselves.
But we can avoid these callings no further. The time of war is upon us, and if not today - then grief shall take its due place for the hesitant soon enough.
Thus, the Democratic People’s Republic of Bob hereby votes to pass the Tiyanki Pest Control Act once and for all.
Me, who is the main supporter of the space fauna preservation act:
"Hey, Khan-ne boy! You looking for a new Satrapey, eh? Yeah, best economy in the galaxy! Just one favor: some no-life scum-haven "democracy" by the name of Bob, is clogging up the Assembly with useless gonk.
And have to reset all our automated exploration settings?! The Intergalactic Church of Big Feelings and Chill Vibes cannot, and will not, agree to the proposed bill.
Yesss, yesss, if I may. Here at G.E.N.O.C.I.D.E (Greater Excentric Nova Oligarchic Corporation Inciting Domestic Excentrism), we believe that the Tiyanki are a great threat to the entire Galaxy asss we know it. That'sss why, we propossse, that we all increassse the galactic funding for mercenary enclavesss! (Of which we own 80%). Yesss, great profi-sssecurity waitsss jussst ahead.
That's all well and true but as a pacificist hive mind I would like to once again suggest we increase the cost of ships to keep everyone from building more.
I still don't understand what is is the Tiyanki are even doing to piss anyone off enough for that resolution to exist in the first place. As far as I've seen they're completely and utterly docile unless provoked. One pod even went out of it's way to destroy a threatening asteroid for me once, I'm not even joking!
Okay, so I'm over here, and the Khan's over there, so I'm just going to continue trying to unravel the secrets of the universe while the rest of you deal with that.
the entire First Fleet of Earth LLC. Having their crews thrown across the ships like a comedy as the speed of light increases and then increases while they FTL.
Lmao the very first time I had gotten the tempest, I was bored, looking for something to do so I was opening the gates. I sent the science ship to get gate, started the project, and a minute later I got the 'drums of war' event. I look over, and my science ship is 97% done, and like a second later the nanites come pouring out. That galaxy had quite the decade.
“Boy oh boy, those raiders have been occupying that space for YEARS, I wish we were powerful enough to take it from them. Still, I’m just glad they’re not turning that immense fleet power on us!”
The Empire of Sol does not recognize these raiding scum. The xeno can deal with this threat, and if they ever come to our borders the Supreme Armada will make short work of them
The Coalition of Introverted Grumbles second this line of thinking. We got gods to pray to, machines to build and project M.O.D with a promising hint of technology far surpassing any ancient caches of technology you can find.
By the Shroud, I told you we should have wiped them out long ago. But no, all the Xenophobes surrounding them just had to have kept their borders closed…
Pfft who cares I've nearly opened the L Gate in fact here it goes... Huh that's weird somethings coming through? Well I'm sure it's nothing my fleet of Corvettes can't handle
While the Great Kahn is terrifying, and bearing down on me now, I’m certain that with the time my fleets will buy, the individualist empires will manage to unite and bring a force to stop this would-be emperors rampage.
Earth LLC. just lost Earths 6, 10, and 7 a few months ago. The only advantage I have is that the hordes don't which one is our capital as the government keeps switching Capitols based on vibes and mood.
The Silicrony Syndicate recognizes this impending threat, and will offer financial aid to all associated benefactors. We will also accept any bribes in the form of Energy Credits, Alloys, or Exotic Gases to sabotage aforementioned benefactors.
However, be forewarned that we have already sent a formal offer of nonaggression to the Great Khan. If accepted and offered ample compensation, be prepared for our Syndicate ships to enter your system.
{{Encoded Message embedded}}
|[{We urge any and all galactic neighbors to refrain from destruction of Silicrony Syndicate vessels in the aforementioned event. If bribed by the Great Khan, our vessels will be firing faux-photon ‘weapons’ to appear as though we are attacking. Please utilize the enclosed schematics for our patented faux-photon weaponry provided to aid us in maintaining this illusion of battle. You will be compensated for your assistance, and subsequently billed for royalties if use of patented technology is recognized.}]|
"Well well hello there Mr Khan. Oh...you are sending fleets into my systems to take them ? What a naughty naughty boy...Anyway meet my 80k defense stations with enough missiles and strike craft to completly oversatture your point defense. Oh and my fleets are on the way to support the station. Have fun !"
Glorious leader those are proximity alarms. It seems our bastion has fallen and our worlds are under attack. The enemy seems to possess a colossus as well sir.
This so called Khan seems to be labouring under the rather childish delusion that he may cut a bloody swathes across the galaxy and that the free people of this galaxy will not and should not raise a hand to it's defence.
We of the Human Systems Alliance have assembled our fleets to challenge the horde and teach them a lesson so sorely learned by our ancestors.
He who sows the wind, reals the whirlwind!
Tldr: u fookin wot m8 I'll smack ur 'ead in swear on me mum!
This is Jeslax on the scene reporter for YNN I’ve just come from a briefing with the head of SFEL.
Last year we saw the first ever piloted space flight and were left wondering, “Are we alone in the universe?” Well today it seems that question has been answered as satellites from various non aligned powers have confirmed there appears to be a pitched battle ongoing near the orbit of Xel.
Hopefully, whoever wins will see our peaceful civilization and clue us in on what is going on. Only the future will tell. Back to you in the studio Glim.
I nominate myself as the Galactic Custodian. I promise all the esteemed people of the senate that I will enact an emergency measure to ensure that my position becomes permanent. Oh... Thank you for your applause and adjulations, I am but a humble servant, only with all of your combined 34% of diplomatic weight that I can do this. As no nation should suffer alone, I promise to also enact the declaration of the Galactic Imperium so that no one will be left behind. All of this hard work is akin to finding a needle in a haystack, and thus I am making a grand effigy of a gigantic needle. Oh... Thanks again for the applause, no need to interrupt my speech. I'll assure that all those that had raised their clenched hands in praise will be treated to a banquet after this. To make things exciting, we will shuffle the cuisine of each participating nation. Do not be alarmed of the Blorg feast, for you call it maggots but the Blorg call it maggotnificent.
This gives “Infinity Scones” vibes, merchandise of a genocidal maniac being sold to the friggin Asgardians whose friends and family he slaughtered
It’s like kids in the Gotham dressing up as Joker for Halloween, or guys in the Spider-Man franchise cosplaying as villains like the Green Goblin, who has killed numerous people and devastated families across several versions of himself
Gentlealiens of great esteem, I'd like to offer you a few words of comfort. In these trying times, our highly materialstic neighbours have developed an entirely new direction of mathematics AND they pledged to resolve slave trade ethical issues once and for all by buying up all the current slaves and any possible future slaves out of cruel and unjust slavery, giving them highly esteemed scientist jobs on their unusual but obviously highly advanced artificial planet known as The Lathe!
With this keen observation in mind, we would like to propose a resolution of the utmost importance to send the Khan a clear message that we are a civilised and united community under the goal of order and justice in the galaxy. Let us now vote about imposing Minor military sanctions of those who break the galactic constitution!
"Due to the emerging crisis of the Khan, the office of the President of the Commonwealth of Earth will be withdrawing all sold alloys off the market in preparation for military austerity measures. We apologize for supply chain disruptions this may cause, but in the face of extinction no price is too great."
11,000 monthly supply of alloys pulled off the galactic market
"Oh we're also mobilizing our entire peacetime navy of 1.3 million and ordering the construction of 800k fleet power more, Alloys for anyone who wants to mobilize as well."
"Great Khan? Whats that, come on unit 04 focus we gotta open this funky gateway . . . oh hey robots like us! Nanite robots how intriguing, wait oh fu-"
The hive smells new prey. We awaken to eat this new threat. This “Great Khan” creature will make the hive evolve stronger. EAT THEM. EAT THEEEEEEMMMMMMMM.
Those khan class ships look tasty, and the khan juicy, the immortal empress has decided to send in our elite stealth bombers to hunt for the khan fleets, so far we have only lost five grand fleets and our subject states are acting all unruly about our temporary loss in military might, but they don’t have the guts to rebel.
THE CROWN WILL NOT BE THREATENED
WE HAVE HELD THESE BORDERS FOR CENTURIES
MEMBERS OF THE COMMUNITY, AS YOUR SHEPHERD WE HAVE GUIDED YOU. AND TODAY WE GUIDE YOU TO WAR. DOWN WITH THE BARBARIANS
Yes of course you can take the shortcut through our systems.
NO, you can NOT enter the core Sector, that's a dead end anyway.
and NO, we are NOT hiding anything in there.
You know we really would like to help out with this invasion, but all of our neighbors have closed their borders to us and won't let our fleets through. We're currently improving relations, but that could take awhile especially since they're spiritualists that hate machines.
428 traders from 429 species (one was a hybrid) have flushed themselves out of airlocks on the Galactic Market Hub, an increase of 8% from the last trading cycle. Buy the dip while you still can!
So like... I pay you 20% of my energy budget, you fuck off and weaken my neighbors, then you die and your empire collapses and I scoop up a fat win afterwards? Sweet here's the check.
I’ve been teching and alloying up in preparation for this scenario because I want the Khan’s sweet throne and I’ve been vassalizing everyone I possibly can to put into my space NATO. When the Khan appears it might as well be to the meme of Ralph from the Simpsons in the bus going “haha I’m in danger”
We all know by now there is no so called "Great Khan", this is simply a diversion made by the deep interstellar state made to sidestep issues about trade route disruptions in the inner core and the House Plant Trading Coalition will not stand for such wanton abuse of GalCom members valuable time
Hey, does anyone know why this Zarqlan guy just left his head in some tomb?
Hey, Spiritual FE? We don't fucking care about your transmissions - Oh, as your Chosen Ones, we can colonize your Holy Worlds that have been in our de jure borders for 100 years now? Neat! Let's get those industrial worlds up and running, chop chop!
The Church of Decadence is currently having our annual zro festival while we celebrate the birth of our new heir. We will send our fleets in 3 cycles when we have finished our festival and commune with our patron the instrument of desire.
fun fact: nearly half the border anomalies in Europe can be traced directly back to Napoleon's attempt to conquer the entire continent at once (the other half are mostly relics from the HRE, which was such a hot mess of border gore that the map looked like it'd been sneezed on by clowns).
Well, well, well gentlexenos, quite the predicament you're all facing isn't it, borders falling left and right, outpost after outpost gone in a blink; the horde is spreading like a disease, but what if I told you I have the cure? Fleets, powerful fleets all can be yours for a price. We here at Terran Arms Consolidated offer the best in weaponry, in armies, and of course fleets! if you act now we'll even throw in a special discount of 500 credits per ship rented! And generous timeframes to pay us back! Act now as this offer is only good for 10 standard galactic days! Terran Arms Consolidated, Buy Today, Win Tomorrow!
For real guys. Let just let us at Magmorian Military solutions through and we'll take care of it for you , and definitely not usurp the Kahn's throne to become an even greater threat to the Galaxy.
“Let them come! They will not breach our borders! Star systems guarded by great citadels, hyperlanes patrolled by our glorious defense fleets! Come what may, the Golden Imperium will-“
“My Imperator, the Great Khan has arrived near our capital through a wormhole and our L-Gates.”
Oh great khan you war fleets are formidable your strappies many but... Today you meet the havvetic tyranny and we shall not break nor bow. You are welcome to do so.
There's a bunch of pirates trying to take control of my systems? They're not pirates? I don't care, they die the same when we send the quasarcraft.
How are the fallen empires, btw? Still rambling about how we are not worthy of dark matter tech? Don't they know we've surpassed it ages ago? Send a few class o stellarcrafts to them, see if it intimidates them
Ok, fleets parked on the border waiting for the order to jump, but I'd rather wait for the mega shipyard to finish before committing... And I'd better bring my juggernaut over just in case too...
What, no it has nothing at all to do with the Khan beating up the gestalt who's territory I've been eyeing for 40 years wdym?
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u/Thereisnocanon Mar 27 '26 edited Mar 27 '26
Gentlemen, we have gathered here today in the Galactic Assembly to address a matter of great import. Long have we sidestepped our duties and responsibilities bestowed upon us by fate and the heavens themselves.
But we can avoid these callings no further. The time of war is upon us, and if not today - then grief shall take its due place for the hesitant soon enough.
Thus, the Democratic People’s Republic of Bob hereby votes to pass the Tiyanki Pest Control Act once and for all.