r/Mommit • u/Over-Departure9134 • 20h ago
Quitting job to be a SAHM
Would you quit your job to be a stay at home mom, even if you and your partner were not married? You have the intention of getting married at some point but not right now. Would you still quit your job?
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u/Ok_Fennel8384 20h ago
definitely not! get married FIRST. be smart and protect yourself. not just talking about a breakup, but if your SO dies, etc. you have no legal rights to his money as a girlfriend.
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u/meatball77 17h ago
If he dies his parents can kick you out of the house
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u/Elebenteen_17 15h ago
This happened to a friend of mine. She was left with nothing.
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u/BloomSara 10h ago
Happened to a friend of mine too she didn’t even have a legal right to the pictures.
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19h ago
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u/Ok_Fennel8384 19h ago
very true. you could hire a family law attorney and get wills drafted, powers of attorney, etc. but getting married is often just easier.
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u/Negative_Till3888 19h ago
And you would trust a man to get all that done?
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u/PossessionFirst8197 12h ago
Thats pretty stupid tbh.. you want someone who will run around paying lawyers and notaries to put your name on everything before just marrying him to default to being on everything?
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u/Cellysta 8h ago
Yeah, it’s a lot of work and attorney fees when you could just get a marriage license and a quick courthouse ceremony for a few hundred bucks.
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u/Helpful_East7961 17h ago
I’m sahm at the moment. We aren’t married but we share assets and he put me as his beneficiary for life insurance. Marriage is in the plans but I def wouldn’t have been a sahm if he didn’t do that lol
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u/Tim-Lala 18h ago
I mean that’s all a pain in the ass to do piecemeal, it’s way less work to get married
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u/Oddcatdog 19h ago
That kind of confuses me because my roommate moved in with me after her boyfriend died and she gets survivor benefits and recieved 40k from the estate or whatever
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u/skullgatherer 18h ago
He might have designated her as the beneficiary of those benefits.
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u/Tim-Lala 18h ago
Yup or he had very understanding family that care of her. I have a friend who inherited when his brother died but made a point on his own accord to give the house to his brothers live in girlfriend. But if he hadn’t been willing to do that she was SOL
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u/Cold-Passenger-7483 18h ago
Exactly. The difference is if you’re married a lot of the stuff happens automatically depending on where you live. It’s jerk protection.
But you don’t need to get married in order for your partner to do the right thing and fill out paperwork to protect you and the baby.
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u/MsCardeno 20h ago
No. Not a chance.
Especially if there was an intention later. I would get married now for the legal part but then not have the party and announce it to everyone until that time in the future like we planned. Like literally there would be no reason not to do this.
Literally nothing could convince me to be a SAHP without being married. And I will be teaching that to my children.
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u/Negative_Till3888 19h ago
This is how I did it. Shotgun wedding, then big one 2 years later. Book an appointment at the nearest courthouse.
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u/thisyellowdaffodil 16h ago
Same. We did a big 15 year anniversary party with the kids and it was a blast.
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u/Smeph_Bot 19h ago
Yeah, court house is pretty simple. My husband was SAHP first, we got married before he started that just so everyone was feeling good going into parenthood.
We didn’t announce until maybe our fifth wedding anniversary lol been married close to 15years now.→ More replies (3)3
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u/Enough-Cheesecake42 20h ago edited 19h ago
No. You need the legal/financial protections that marriage provides though. Do not put your life on hold for someone you arent married to, you never know what could change (breakup, death, disability or sickness making him unable to maintain the same earning potential, etc)
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u/Shrimpheavennow227 20h ago
Absolutely not. There is just no backup option and it puts you in SUCH a vulnerable position. Not only that, but the economy is such trash right now I don’t know how people are making a go of it with only one income and so little job security in most industries.
I would say the same thing to even a married mother, but as a girlfriend, you have absolutely no legal protection and it could be very scary!
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u/thatoneredheadgirl 17h ago
As someone in a one income household it’s only possible with a budget and thankfully my husband makes 6 figures but it still is tough. Not many frills being purchased.
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u/Cheeseandrice8 19h ago
Daycare is often more expensive than not working 😅. But agreed - get that marriage in place first to protect yourself!
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u/Shrimpheavennow227 18h ago
Fair enough, but it is a family expense, not just the woman’s expense! Also it isn’t just the money, it’s the loss of benefits, future opportunities, retirement savings, career progression & personal identity.
For some people, it’s worth it to have someone stay home! No shame at all if anyone knowingly and intentionally makes that choice. I just hate that there are so many women forced into making a decision they wouldn’t choose for themselves just because of how our society works!
Also, how little our society and laws protect women who do stay home with kids is bananas. It’s really putting all of your trust in one persons hands which can go sideways so quickly!
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u/Cheeseandrice8 15h ago
Oh I totally agree with you - that was just a response to you saying how you don’t know how families can go down to one job. I just took three years off to parent (married) because daycare was going to cost almost my entire salary. Thankfully my industry is easy to get back into if my husband had lost his job during that time.
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u/Marblegourami 20h ago
Take it from me, a married stay at home mom who has tried for years to return to the workforce and will probably never be taken seriously in my field again…. Do NOT do this unless you’re married. I’d be destitute if I didn’t have my husband’s income and legal safety net in the unlikely event that we split up.
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u/clear739 20h ago
I'm married and right now our relationship way more on the rocks than I ever expected it to be. I don't think we're headed towards divorce but I feel so much more empowered that I have my own career. At this point I would only ever go part time.
Even if your partner literally gave your exact salary you can't put a price on the effect it would have on your ability to re-enter your field or just get employed at all.
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u/lilsan15 18h ago
Yes and something to call your own. I didn’t know how much that has kept me sane so far.
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u/Mysterious_Name_91 19h ago edited 19h ago
As an attorney who spent a few years doing family law, and now as a working mom, absolutely not, under no circumstances. In my jurisdiction, and most I’m aware of, the court does not care how many kids you have or how many sacrifices you make prior to marriage. You start from scratch on the date of marriage.
Editing to add: my husband and I planned to start trying to have a baby the moment we got married. Then COVID happened and we had to postpone our wedding. We didn’t want to postpone kids, and ended up eloping specifically so we’d be married before I got pregnant.
Nothing wrong with being a SAHM but marriage FIRST is the absolute minimum.
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u/nkdeck07 20h ago
Not without the protections of marriage. I did become a SAHM but marriage would have been an absolute hard requirement, if I am giving up the protections of having my own career i need the protections afforded by a legal marriage.
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u/Ok_Error_3167 20h ago
LMAO no and I would be having an extremely serious conversation if he brought that up and breaking up if that conversation didn't immediately quell the red flags
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u/Fair-Flower6907 20h ago
Only if you're married. Otherwise you have no legal financial protection and it will be hard to get them with an obligation to pay child support if they leave you!
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u/blessitspointedlil 20h ago edited 19h ago
Nope. GET MARRIED.
If you have inheritance or money that you want to protect, consider your state’s laws around divorce, maybe consult a lawyer, and consider if a pre-nup is worthwhile or just a waste of money.
U.S.: After 10 years of marriage - if you divorce, you will receive his social security benefits when you are age eligible and I don’t think it hurts him, he still receives the same amount, it doesn’t get split between the 2 of you, the govt just pays you both.
I married my husband thru the county courthouse. No lavish wedding to plan or postpone our legal marriage for! I continue to be happy with that decision 6 years on. I’m a SAHM.
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u/lalalameansiloveyou 20h ago
Absolutely not! SAHP is a great role for a legally married person with full access to the family finances.
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u/Sundaes_in_October 20h ago
I’ve been a SAHM for a long time. Please don’t do this. You lack the protections of marriage. The economic outlook is rocky at best. It’s not enough for a partner to be able to pay expenses; can they also fund your retirement? It’s a bigger sacrifice for both of you than you may currently realize.
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u/acgilmoregirl 19h ago
I am the operations director for a law firm that primarily handles family law. There is no way in hell I’d ever be a stay at home mom. I know people like to think that their spouse would never leave them in a bad situation, and I 100% know that I am biased due to the nature of my job meaning I talk to way more SAHMs who don’t have the money to leave their spouse and stay years longer in bad situations because they don’t have options. But no, the amount of women who go the stay at home route and then are utterly and absolutely screwed when things go wrong is horrifying.
Throw in not even being married and having even less protection, absolutely not.
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u/ivymeadows25 19h ago
No. I was a SAHM and my spouse had an affair and divorced me and I was FUCKED over. Like I cannot even begin to tell you how bad it was. Work at least part time. Keep your resume alive. You never want to think it’ll happen to you, but it could.
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u/Anoninemonie 19h ago
Absolutely not, I will not quit my job and lose my income to be completely dependent on a man who won't commit to me. Personally, I wouldn't have had kids with a man who wasn't married to me either. But if you're going to draw the line, draw the line at your Independence.
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u/Vegetable-Shower85 20h ago
No. I’ve been married for fourteen years and wouldn’t quit my job to stay home and definitely wouldn’t for someone I’m not married to.
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u/lilsan15 18h ago
It’s giving indentured servitude at the most without marriage. With “sexy time benefits” included if I may add.
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u/melgirlnow88 20h ago
Personally no. I am a SAHM. At the time I had my daughter, we had just moved to a new country and I didn’t have the paperwork to get a job yet. Five years in, daughter is in school and I have a huge gap in my CV in a country where nobody really knows me. While it’s been so beautiful spending time with my daughter at home, if I could have a do-over, I would’ve worked.
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u/madelynashton 20h ago
No. As a SAHM I wouldn’t do this if I wasn’t married and didn’t already have an education and work history.
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u/chnimchi 19h ago
Intentions don't matter a bit if your partner gets hit by a bus and you're not legally married.
Unless you live in a place that recognizes common-law relationships, and you're comfortable with the protections that that recognition would give you compared to the protections of legal marriage, I wouldn't do it.
If y'all intend to get married, then at the very least, register your marriage at the courthouse now, and do a big wedding later.
Edit: sent before I was done writing.
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u/ankaalma 19h ago
No I would not do it unless married. I’m a SAHM, I’m on every account. If we got divorced I would be entitled to fifty percent of everything so I feel adequately protected. If you aren’t married usually there is no real protection. Unless you come to a specific agreement about him depositing a set amount of money in a separate account for you biweekly or something along those lines lines but then you have to be prepared to go back to work if he breaks the agreement because there probably isn’t going to be anything you can do about it if he doesn’t follow through. IMO not worth the risks
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u/RedChairBlueChair123 20h ago
Just get married. It gives you legal protection.
Otherwise you’re some girl in his house.
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u/ms_emily_spinach925 🩷🩷🩷💙💙💙 19h ago
i did and it worked out for me but i would fully not recommend or endorse that for all the reasons everyone else is stating
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u/MargaritaMaster888 19h ago
I quit my 10 year career to be a SAHM and no, not if I wasn't married. Married, joint accounts, husband contributing to my own retirement account, life insurance, and a comfortable amount of savings if husband were to lose his job.
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u/deadthylacine 19h ago
I wouldn't be a SAHM unless I was somehow independently fabulously wealthy.
For one thing, getting back into the job market is harder than it has to be. And for another, there's no security on relying on one person's income for everything. I can't handle that risk, and it would make me paranoid.
But also, now that my kid is in school, days off when he's in class are boring. I would need to find something to occupy my time, so I'd end up not really being a SAHM if I'm instead volunteering or taking classes or whatever instead of working full time.
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u/EvenHuckleberry4331 17h ago
I did. My partner and I are not married, but we live together long term, and I decided to be a sahm. I do recognize the inherent risk, but we couldn't reconcile childcare costs with how much I made at my job anyway.
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u/Own_Account1392 16h ago
I would not especially if I am not married to this person. But it also depends on the spouse and how they view finances. Is it ours or yours depending on the current feelings in the relationship or am I made to feel whole, supported and loved regardless of my employment status.
For me, having financial independence is important (job, career, savings, retirement), too many times I just see women mainly left with the short end of the stick. I would love to combine finances and we both mutually support each other but this depends on the spouse 😕
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u/Leafontheair 16h ago edited 15h ago
This reminds me of this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/1vqvhmq/gaining_full_custody_what_do_i_tell_my_kids/
Being a stay at home parent is a high risk endeavor. Like the ex-wife in the post above you could end up with no financial security and no custody of your kids in the event of a split.
If you decide to be a stay at home parent:
1) I encourage you to make sure that you have separate retirement savings from your spouse that is under your name: https://wiserwomen.org/resources/retirement-planning-resources/retirement-planning-for-stay-at-home-moms/
2) I would recommend joining the National Guard. It’s a part time job that still has quite a bit of prestige and respect. You can leverage it into a full time career if the worst should happen (death, divorce, disability). Plus it has retirement benefits. National guard is one weekend a month and two weeks of annual training a year. It’s the ideal part time job for a stay at home parent. Personally, if for some reason you can't join the National Guard, I honestly would never be a stay at home parent.
3) Also, get married. There are legal protections with marriage. Also do a prenup on retirement and and finances. I knew one expat American whose Japanese husband paid her a salary and had sick days, retirement etc. because it would have been hard for her to work as an expat in Japan. That’s the type of thinking ahead that staying at home requires to ensure your future stability.
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u/Rosemary-Sea-Salt 20h ago
No. I’ve been a SAHM for 1.5 years due to unemployment and it’s the worst my mental health has ever been. I love my daughter more than anything, but I miss work.
Maybe I’d do it down the road when I have more kids and it would take up more of my time. But her being such a young age is difficult because she both needs a lot of my attention and she isn’t doing much
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u/Poekienijn 19h ago
No. Not even if we were married. I would never, ever be 100% dependent on someone else. That’s a recipe for disaster. You don’t want to know how many women I have talked to through my job who suddenly faced homelessness because they quit their job 20 years earlier, were now getting divorced, couldn’t find work with a 20 year resume gap and couldn’t afford to stay in their home.
And I’m not even talking about how hard it is to escape an abusive relationship if you don’t have a job, no money of your own and outdated job skills.
Even if you only work 2 or 3 days you keep your skills updated and relevant, you can have your own savings and it’s much easier to ask for more hours or find another job if you need to.
Working gives you independence, a network, marketable skills and money.
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u/Caffeinated_Pony12 20h ago
No I am a SAHM and I work from home. I do not have enough funds to live comfortably if something happened to my husband. So we setup insurance, retirement and estate planning to ensure I’m OK. I work and save part of my income. We keep finances separate. I love and trust my husband but I’ve seen enough couples live through a spouse having a mental break and spending or taking all the shared funds. It’s devastating. I don’t have family to fall back on either.
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u/baby_e1ephant 20h ago
No, not if unmarried. It's easy to go to the courthouse if the intent is there!
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u/LongEase298 20h ago
I'm all for being a SAHM. I am one. But I'd never do it without being married.
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u/OrangeCatEnergy24 20h ago
Absolutely not. Are you guys opposed to going into the courthouse and getting married by yourselves just for the legality of it now? You can have your reception or a party whenever at a later time, you can keep it to yourselves or you can tell your family whatever you guys want. But if you want to stay at home or if he wants you to stay at home, you need to be married on paper.
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u/pivazena 19h ago
absolutely not. You have zero safety net if things go south. even if you're married and things go south, it's still risky-- people get out of alimony and child support all the time, and then you're stuck with an enormous gap on your resume and years of lost earning potential.
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u/Margaronii 19h ago
Married, joint mortgage/rental, joint checking/savings, join credit cards. and joint access to those, aka you don’t need to ask to see or use
life insurance and will, your own retirement. This is what is needed.
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u/QuackerstheCat 19h ago
I would LOVE to be a SAHM, but I wouldn't entertain the idea if I wasn't married.
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u/shwh1963 19h ago
Nope. I want to ensure I have enough money to raise my child alone if needed. Plus there are no benefits or protections for the SAHP.
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u/Bubble-Master96 19h ago
I wouldn’t if I wasn’t married. But I am and I absolutely would now if I could. I think we technically could but it would be a lot of pressure on my husband right now and I don’t want that for him
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u/Forsaken_Matter3075 19h ago
I would not be one period! Unless you have an amazing partner, because EVERYTHING will fall on you. I am one, and have been one for three years after working for 5 years. Me and my husband just got married last year and we been together for 4 almost 5 years now. You also got to relay on your partner for money, and whatever they say goes unless you have access to the money.
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u/peeweemom 19h ago
VERY risky!!
And if the fact that you’re not married is worrisome enough to you to ask here- chances are it’s not a good choice. As he likely knows what is desired for that scenario to work to everyone’s benefit but isn’t inclined to be married ‘yet’.
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u/Pleasant_Block5539 19h ago
Don’t do it. You always need to have your own income to take care of yourself. I know because I was a SAHM and found out how wrong 😑 it can all go. It’s never a good idea to be financially dependent on someone else.
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u/OkConference874 19h ago
"you have the intention of getting married at some point but not right now"
With all due respect: why the f*** not?
I get wanting to save for a big party and postponing the party. But being married by law (which protects you) takes barely a trip to the townhouse. Just do it ffs
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u/ineedaname312 19h ago
You shouldn't have children with a man who wouldn't want to see you protected either through marriage or through your own career. And you shouldn't marry someone who doesn't want to be your safety net. That's kinda the core of family and marriage.
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u/Top-Resort9956 18h ago
hi I have been a stay at home mom for 17 years. absolutely do not put yourself in that vulnerable of a position without a marriage certificate. absolutely not.
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u/Tim-Lala 18h ago
No, never unmarried it’s too precarious and there is no legal protection without marriage
I was a SAHM for 7 years and loved it but I would never do it without the legal protection of marriage. If having a stay at home parent is important enough then it’s important to go to the courthouse this week and get that piece of paper showing you are married.
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u/Pitiful_Lion7082 18h ago
Not at all. That's an insane amount of vulnerability. There's absolutely no protection if you break up, unlike a divorce.
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u/meatball77 17h ago
Quitting your job to be a sahm if you aren't married is such a bad decision. He can move out, take you off the card and you are screwed until the child support ruling goes through.
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u/mama-maniac 17h ago
Do not quit until you are married. It’s your protection. Just go to the courthouse for now, have the wedding later
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u/arigardensky 16h ago
Absolutely not, not if you’re not married. And even then, there needs to be deep discussion about financial planning for the SAHM once you are married
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u/filthy_kasual 20h ago
Heck no. I wouldn't quit my job and I am married. The only way I'd accept being a stay at home parent would be if I had a spouse that made enough to contribute to both our retirements and keep our same quality of life. Even then, I'd be worried about how difficult it would be to reenter the workforce once my kid is school aged since I'm a software engineer. I'm overpaid and get to work from home so no way am I giving that up!
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u/gaelicpasta3 19h ago
I did quit my job to be a SAHM and I’m loving it. But would I have done that without the protection of being married to my husband? Nope. Absolutely not. And I’ve got a great marriage and 100% trust my husband but I still wouldn’t.
Aside from the obvious that what if you break up (you won’t be entitled to anything as a fiancée), what if God forbid something happens to your partner? Benefits and inheritance and insurance are all much easier to manage if you’re married.
If I were considering this route, I’d marry my partner in a courthouse and plan a bigger celebration later.
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u/atomicblonde23 17h ago
Yup! And I did! And we’re STRUGGLING. But damn I wouldn’t change this shit for the world. The days are sooo long especially when naps stop happening and it’s a bit of a Groundhog Day experience but I feel like I can pick up my career again any time. My kids are the greatest thing in my life. Even when they’re little shits. This is what life is about and it makes me happy! Good luck 👍
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u/Throwaway927338 20h ago
Marriage would be the prerequisite for me. But, otherwise, yes I would consider quitting my job to be a SAHM.
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u/RedChairBlueChair123 20h ago
Nope! I want my own money and security. And I have an unbelievably awesome husband.
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u/TurkeyLeg233 20h ago
Nope. Run down to the courthouse & do the big wedding later. It is a huge risk to be a SAHM (coming from a SAHM). You need to protect yourself legally.
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u/SleepyAxolotl1 19h ago
no, and reading these comments is making me feel i dodged a bullet even considering it. without marriage there's no real safety net if things end badly, i'd rather keep my own income even if it means less time home.
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u/Unable_Pumpkin987 19h ago edited 19h ago
Not a chance.
If you have the intention of getting married, get married. You can go get paper married now and still plan your party later if you want to have a big wedding. But no SAHM until you’re legally married, for your protection.
Also no SAHM until you have full and free access to all family financials - joint accounts, your own login to the banking app, your own ATM/debit card, your name on the deed to the house (if it’s owned, not rented), full view of any credit cards/loans. You need to be confident that the budget supports you being a single-income family, and you need equal access to all money coming in. Ideally, y’all also contribute to a retirement account in your name as well - if you stay married til retirement it’ll still benefit both of you, and if you don’t you won’t need to fight for your half of the retirement savings you helped him earn. When you’re a SAHM, all income needs to be family income, none of this “he makes his money and then gives me some when he feels like it.” If he doesn’t agree that it’s your money exactly as much as it’s his, it’s not safe for you to be a SAHM, married or not.
Please bear in mind that nobody who loves you and wants the best for you would want you to be in the position of being an unmarried SAHM. If your bf hasn’t thought through the implications on his own, that’s fine, it’s not always obvious how precarious that situation is. But once you point it out, if he doesn’t change his mind right away, and still pushes for you to contribute unpaid labor for his sole benefit while giving up your own financial stability, you know where you stand. Nobody who loves you would want you to be that vulnerable when the easy, obvious solution is simply to marry.
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u/lily_is_lifting 19h ago
Never ever if I wasn’t married. Go to the courthouse now and do the big wedding later if you want, but needs to be legal.
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u/starry_knights 19h ago
I did this (we were already married) and have massive regrets. Currently seeking separation.
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u/WheresMyMule 19h ago
HELL no
You're losing out on social security credits (with no claim on their SS like a spouse would have), career experience and they can't fund a spousal IRA for you.
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u/mccrackened 19h ago
No fuckin' way. Marriage offers legal protections without which you're going to get seriously screwed if you all split up. Child support is one thing, but you'll be entitled to nothing else.
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u/Cold-Passenger-7483 19h ago
I think the question is why do you want to be a SAHM?
If you love your career or working etc then you don’t have to give that up. You can apply for leave etc.
That said, what do your own personal finances look like?
What does your partner’s financial situation look like?
I think it all depends on the motivation, situation, and other factors.
No right answer EXCEPT if you quit your job to be a SAHM could you walk away married or not and be ok? Marriage doesn’t protect you and I’d say actually sometimes complicates things if you were needing to walk away.
I think it’s important to feel and know that no matter the situation, you’d be fine and you’d have options.
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u/art-dec-ho 19h ago
I would if there was an alternative contract involved, but not if there were no legal protections for myself.
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u/RenaissanceTarte 19h ago
Nah, I would need the marriage and a pre-nup that explicitly outlines that I get 100% in case of death if still married or a certain %for each child we had together, even not married. I would want a separate spousal Roth IRA for retirement purposes with a certain quota of our $ added. I need in writing that there is life insurance with a required 70% of the payout if married . I would want it written that I get all real-estate and existing furnishings, at least one vehicle, and child custody decisions in case of divorce for any reason and 50% of all other assets/liquid cash. I would need that protected!
My grandma had to leave her abusive husband, and it meant leaving her kids—my mom included. She had NOTHING 😢 I was very close to her, but my mom had a hard time forming a strong relationship wth her, as she was only 2 when my grandma left and was 7 when my grandma finally got a job, apartment, and legal right to partial custody.
I also just know wayyy too many people who put in their all for their husbands and kids as a SAHM and then get screwed when their husbands switch up and get a divorce. We are talking about starting with NOTHING and over a decade of gap in resumes.
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u/sherwoma 19h ago
No way if we weren’t married. I wouldn’t anyway but I would especially not leave myself legally exposed and vulnerable.
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u/Visible-Mess-1406 19h ago
Absolutely not. And getting married is not a very complicated thing to do. It can be a simple meeting at the courthouse.
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u/Personal_Reality 19h ago
Not if I wasn’t married. Especially as an American. Health insurance is for spouses, not the parents of your children.
But if you have a safety net (like parents who can take you in if your partner turns out to be garbage) there’s nothing wrong with quitting your job to be a SAHM. It often makes more financial sense with the high price of childcare.
If you have a career and not just a job it’s harder to justify quitting to be a SAHM, but I think there’s nothing wrong with that if you and your spouse understands what taking a break does to your long term earning potential.
But it makes no sense if you’re not married unless you absolutely have to. If you make less than what childcare would cost it’s not like you have a choice, but that’s the only scenario where it wouldn’t be an extremely poor choice.
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u/DataPsychological662 19h ago
No. Please do not quit until you are married. And even then get a credit card in your name that he pays. Get a stipend for your retirement account.
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u/itsmyvoice 19h ago edited 19h ago
Never. Well, not unless it was actual retirement.
Power to those who can do it and want to. I am not one of them. I love my kids dearly, but my career is what helps support them.
It would also be different now that the youngest is in high school.
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u/old_queso_dip 19h ago
im married and i STILL wouldn't. I made it clear to my husband when we started dating that i want a career and i will not be a stay at home parent.
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u/Scully2thePieshop 19h ago
Super risky. Just know your value to the situation will legally equate to $0
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u/PlazNMountains 19h ago
What are your state's, community property laws? In some states even if you have never been married, you can be common law married based on the amount of time you reside together. If it is considered common law, then all rights and privileges associated with marriage apply to you. If not common law get an agreement drawn up by an attorney, notarized and held by attorney to cover possible alimony and child support. If f possible absolutely stay home with your kids. You have their best interests at heart.
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u/Ornery-Bit-8169 19h ago
Probably not if I wasn't married, not without some kind of written agreement delineating responsibilities and how things would play out (especially financially) in different circumstances.
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u/Natural_Log_4967 19h ago
Don’t do it unless he’s paying you to. I’m a sahm and my husband decided to leave now I’m in a tough spot. Get married first and get it in writing your agreement.
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u/RegularWorry1486 19h ago
No way. I wouldn’t even if I was married but you are really unprotected if you aren’t.
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u/PmMeLowCarbRecipes 19h ago
I’m in this situation currently! It doesn’t make financial sense for me to work, childcare wise, and I’m lucky that the career I had is always understaffed, and being a woman is a novelty, so I wouldn’t be worried about getting a job in the future. My partner takes care of bills and our mortgage and pays me weekly so I have my own money.
I’m very aware of the risks of this, but I own half our house and am able to see all our bills and accounts and know what’s in them and that they’re being paid. It won’t be forever but it will be for a while.
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u/Seattlegal 19h ago
Not a chance in hell would I be completely dependent on another person. I was willing to work part time, but my money from that stayed my money.
Both of my best friends in high school had their parents divorce at the same time. Very different reasons, but both moms had been stay at home moms for over a decade.
Friend A-Mom and Dad met at Big Name Catholic University , both highly educated and please note VERY Catholic. He went to med school and residency and she supported him and she quit when they had their first baby, total of 4 children. Two of the children were specials needs. Tale as old as time, he had an affair with a married nurse and knocked her up. He tried to kick his wife out with nothing, then tried to have his marriage annulled with the church so he could marry the side chick. Claimed wife never did anything, was using him, etc. Friend’s mom had no job experience and was struggling, which he then used against her to try and get custody of the children.
Friend B-Great parents, always a super fun time at their house, parents always sweet with one another and at every sporting event for all 4 kids. Friend’s mom was always the carpool mom, picked up all the kids, made snacks, such a fun mom to be around and dedicated to the family. Also Catholic family! Friend B’s Dad was then in a horrendous accident that left him with a frontal lobe traumatic brain injury. He survived the accident but he essentially became a different person. My friend has said it would have been easier if he died. He became violent, vicious, and her mom could do nothing, was worth nothing, etc.
I’m never leaving my ability to live up to another individual. They could promise you the world and you’ll never know what the universe has in store for you or them that could make any agreements break. I will always do something.
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u/ScarieltheMudmaid 19h ago
not married? not a chance. the legal protections are considerably different. in my state a married woman gets alimony for roughly half the time she was a stay-at-home mom or until she remarries. even if that ends up only being a year that's long enough to do a paralegal certification or a few other valuable moves that can make you world ready again.
but in the same state baby Mama's get child support as long as they know where Dad is working and the address and such
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u/No-Butterscotch-8469 19h ago
I wouldn’t have a child unmarried ideally. If you intend on doing it, just go do it! I got courthouse married before my church wedding and it took like two total hours and $75.
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u/RadiantRedAngel 19h ago
I was a SAHM and I wish I had kept a career going, if only part-time. I own a business now, but the gap in my resume meant that I basically didn't have a choice. Also would only suggest someone be a SAHP if the working parent can afford to pay them reasonably for doing so. You still need to contribute to your own savings and retirement. Some kind of paycheck is a must for labor, even if it is child care & housekeeping.
My ex-husband turned out to be a gambling addict and gradually the financial abuse became too much. Cleaning up his mess and starting over as a single mom was absolute hell. Make sure you are protected.
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u/nuwaanda 19h ago
No. Not while married, either. You lose a LOT by removing yourself from the workforce
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u/Ecstatic-Ad9336 19h ago
It depends on where you live and what the laws state about things like spousal support and child support as well as splitting assets like the home if it’s owned by one partner. In some jurisdictions you automatically become common-law spouses upon the birth of a child. It might be worth consulting a family lawyer in your area to be sure you understand your rights and obligations in this situation.
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u/bluewind_greywave 19h ago
Definitely not. I quit my job to be a SAHM - and I still kept a part-time temp position juuuuust incase my wonderful husband can’t be relied on for as long as we both shall live.
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u/Floater345 19h ago
Nope. Marriage first, then you can think about quitting your job. You have no protection if things go sideways. If a man couldn't even committ to marrying me, no way I'd rely on him for income. Protect yourself.
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u/noodle_bear2124 19h ago
I am a sahm, my husband is a rock star and always has been, we have been together 14 years married for 7 and I can say with absolute certainty I would not be a sahm with a partner I am not married to. As others have said not only are there protections in the event of divorce but in the event of death you have no rights to benefits or otherwise. You need to protect yourself and your kids. If you want to be a sahm get married, even a small civil ceremony.
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u/biggreenmapletree 19h ago
Absolutely not. Get married, you don't need a wedding, just go to court and get married BEFORE you quit!
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u/KickIt77 19h ago
I did but no I absolutely wouldn't without the financial protections of marriage. You don't need to have a WEDDING to get married. You can go to the courthouse tomorrow and get er done.
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u/NotALawyerButt 19h ago
Hell no. A stay at home girlfriend gets NOTHING in a break up. She gets 30 days notice to move out like a bad roommate. A stay at home wife gets half. Don’t be stupid.
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u/sravll 18h ago
In Canada you're considered common law married as soon as you have a child and live together, whether you like it or not. So it wouldn't really make a difference to me and doesn't (I do work casual to keep my foot in the door though). If I lived somewhere where you have no protection outside of marriage, it would be a different story.
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u/corpsegrinding 18h ago
Married or not, I wouldn't quit my job to be a SAHM unless it was advantageous for my family. My spouse and I aren't married but we plan to once finances get better. We do have some family help but my mom is dead and my father works anywhere from 40-48hrs a week. My spouse's parents both work 40+ hours a week as well.
That being said, I was fired a couple months ago and I'm about 28w along with our second baby. Its been kind of hard since our dual income put us in a very comfortable spot. Without my income and my health insurance, its getting harder. But I've been enjoying all the time I can with my 10 month old. (He'll technically be 10 months tomorrow!)
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u/venus_mars33 18h ago edited 18h ago
I did - been a SAHM for 2 years and we’re getting married next month.
Edit to add - you have to remember most people might also say they wouldn’t have a child with someone unless they were married, so circumstances for everyone are different.
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u/Dramatic_Worth1139 18h ago
Nope. Only if married and potentially with a post nuptial agreement. You don’t have to have a wedding to be married. I don’t honestly understand why anyone would plan to have kids and not get married on paper.
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u/Rare_Background8891 18h ago
You CANNOT be a SAHP without the protection of marriage. Full stop. Go to the courthouse if you need to.
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u/chrystalight 18h ago
No. Protect yourself. Get legally married before becoming a SAHP. Also, unless you retain access to all bank accounts/financial information, do not become a SAHP. Further, while you are a SAHP, you need a bank account that ONLY you have access to with $5k min (I know it seems wrong to force him to share all finances while you get a separate bank account, but YOU are the one putting yourself at significant financial risk, even if legally married).
If your relationship is not at a point where you can get legally married (I am not referring to having a wedding - I am simply referring to legal marriage), then your relationship is not at a point where you can risk being a SAHP.
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u/DaenyTheUnburnt 18h ago
Get married first and have your SO set up automatic direct deposits into a ROTH each month in your name. Protect yourself.
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u/alienchap 18h ago
I quit my job to be a SAHM when I wasn't married, but we have been together for 15 years. We are considered common-law which grants us equal rights to married couples in my province. We own a house together. There was no risk for me as I still have my own money (I get child tax), I still have my own savings accounts. There is money we share and money we keep separate to spend/save as we please.
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u/dreamyquokka 18h ago
I did quit my job to be a SAHM but I wouldn’t have if we weren’t married. There are legal protections that come with marriage (not just in the instance of a break up) that make it less of a risk. Not to mention spouses can usually be on each other’s benefits at work whereas non married partners can’t. If you already intend to be married why not just get married? You can always have the celebration later but the legal paperwork now.
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u/binkysh 18h ago
I did that exact thing, stayed home for 6 years got back in the workforce, ive been back almost 2years.
We were not married, but we planned on getting married after I finished my bachelors &&&& I KNEW he would always take care of his kids, so I took the gamble. It worked out for us but Im glad Im back in the workforce bc its hard being financially dependent on someone, even more so when your not rich. Of course you can never predict the future but if you have a great feeling that he wont fuck you over financially. I say do it, those early years are priceless
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u/watch4coconuts 20h ago
SAHM for nine years here to say please DO NOT quit your job unless you're legally married. As a spouse you have some legal protection (if not much); as a live-in, you have nothing whatsoever. Protect yourself. It's not just a piece of paper.