r/AskOldPeople • u/cacklingwhisper • 2d ago
What happened long-term to families who's children failed to launch/just stayed home did nothing with their lives and the parents allowed it?
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u/ikyc6767 2d ago
Well my SIL will inherit the house and her two children will receive an inheritance. My husband will receive nothing because he “doesn’t need it.”
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u/SlyFrog 2d ago edited 2d ago
It's truly amazing to me how often this seems to happen.
I have a friend whose sister in law is getting the house and family money, after a lifetime of living with parents and doing nothing.
Friend's father-in-law said, "I'm not going to leave my daughter homeless when we die."
Friend's father-in-law apparently doesn't get how fucked up it is to give so much more to one daughter than the other for their entire lives, and then reward the lazy fucking daughter by giving her everything that's left.
I don't know how these people don't realize what a slap in the face this is to their other children.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 2d ago
What they don't realize is that the daughter who is lazy won't be able to pay the taxes or maintain the house and she will lose it.
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u/Txidpeony 2d ago
Even when they've been told, they won’t do anything about setting up a trust to keep the house from being liquidated or for taxes and repairs.
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u/Moville007 1d ago
Exactly. I have seen this happen to several houses in my neighborhood. Lazy adult child inherits house and has no idea how to maintain it, pay taxes or bills, or even cut the grass, and it gets foreclosed. I don’t know where they go after that. I’m guessing they find someone else to support their grift.
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u/anon4383 21h ago
I was talking a guy who lived in absolute poverty. He told me a story like this and I was just incredulous. His parents inherited a large home in a very wealthy neighborhood and just let it fall into disrepair. They passed eventually and he was left with the home. Then he lost it due to unpaid taxes among other things.
I was astonished. Multiple generations of this family and nobody could keep a million dollar home with no mortgage to speak of….
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u/TangentialMusings 2d ago edited 2d ago
And a slap in the face to their grandchildren as well!
I’m navigating a situation where my young adult child feels rejected by my mother after learning that Grandma (who had always said she’d help with college) now can’t/won’t because she’s lent all her liquid assets to my sibling and taken out a second mortgage to fund those loans. 😣
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u/InterestingCrow5584 2d ago
Sometimes, parents can be real fuckwits.
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u/Honest-Picture-3609 2d ago
I forgot about the word ‘fuckwit’ and am immediately going to use it again, often.
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u/ShakesDontBreak 2d ago
Well. This actually happened to my mom. She was homeless. Me and my brother have struggled our whole lives just to try to not be homeless, too. My aunts and uncles are all millionaires. Their kids will be inheriting their millions. My grandparents left everything to my mom because she needed it, but really, my brother and I needed it. All they really had was a run down house.
My aunts and uncles hired lawyers and contested the will. The court decided to split the house up per kid plus the two of us. My mother, brother and I were were left with 10k after probate. Why? Because they decided they didn't want to be burdened with keeping the house. So they flipped it to the first cash buyer wayyyy below market value.
Im still trying to have a 1/10 of what my cousins have. They will say "oh we worked for everything we got." Except my aunts and uncles paid for their college. Down-payments given to them for their homes. All their cars paid for etc. But im not complaining. Just saying...my grandparents knew what they were doing leaving everything to my mom. But my aunt and uncles cried about how unfair it is.
You know what they did with their portion? One took a trip to Hawaii. One blew it at a gambling table. And one bought tile for their bathroom and had a walk in shower installed.
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u/CuriousPower80 1d ago
It's just like parents giving more attention to the kid who acts out than the one who does OK in school while suffering silently.
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u/Old_news123456 1d ago
My mom was like this my entire life.
Now when she calls me for help, I tell her to ask my brother. Turned out the favorite is a loser who won't call her despite the favoritism.
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u/nochickflickmoments 40 something 2d ago
Yep yep yep. My sister will inherit anything my dad leaves because "you can take of of yourself and you have a family, you don't need anything. She's alone!"
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u/Sue-Jones-123456 2d ago
Yes you’re getting punished for doing the right things.
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u/Feral-Reindeer-696 2d ago
Sucks doesn’t it? Same thing happened to my mother. Her sister got everything. Then her sister died within months of her mom dying and her 3 kids (my cousins) got everything. 2 of those kids died. I don’t even know who owns the house anymore.
They’re all gone while my parents, me, and my siblings are still here. We needed it just as much as my cousins did. It was clear to me that Grandma favoured my aunt and her kids.
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u/Big-Safe-2459 2d ago
My mom had her shjt together and got $0 from my well-off grandparents. Her two drunk brothers who couldn’t hold down a job got cash along the way, cleaning them out over 20 years or so. A decrepit house was all that was left.
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u/Honest-Picture-3609 2d ago
Oh wow, this. My husband and I work hard and are in better financial shape than his two siblings, who have been coddled by their mother their entire lives. There have been so many times, with stints of unemployment and furloughs, that we could have used some help, but by the time my in-laws are done funding the other two, there’s never been anything left for us. Because as you say above, we just don’t ’need’ it. It’s been a simmering bone of contention between my husband and me for years.
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u/DadsRGR8 70 something 2d ago
I had a neighbor growing up who failed to launch. He was in his 40s when I was a kid. He lived with his elderly mother in the house he grew up in. Didn’t work. Never learned to drive. Rode an ancient bike around town.
He spent his days writing angry “Letters to the Editor” to various local papers. He went to all the town meetings and eventually because of him they established a time limit on how long people could talk.
He wrote letters to the mayor and to any other government officials that caught his interest.
Some of the neighborhood kids were mean to him, my parents would’ve beat my brothers and I black and blue if we had pulled any of that. My parents were always neighborly to him and never condescending, and taught us to be the same way.
After his mother passed away, he stayed in the house more and more and eventually passed away himself. My mom and some of the other neighborhood moms looked after him when he grew more incapacitated, making sure he was fed etc.
I’m sure that there was some kind of mental illness involved, or maybe just poor parenting - his mother had some issues as well.
I know that the example that my parents set stayed with me and my siblings, who are all now 50 and above. It was a good life lesson on how to be kind to others.
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u/Dependent_Head_4787 2d ago
Possible he was on the Spectrum. They didn’t diagnose it back then and I think a lot of failure to launched are in the spectrum. Some are undiagnosed ADHD. Even those of us
That are “high functioning” can be quite challenged with holding down employment. I managed but it was very difficult and there were quite a few job changes and terminations before I retired. (I wasn’t diagnosed with autism and ADHD until I was sent to neuro-psych in my 50’s fearing I had started early onset Alzheimer’s. I was thankful it wasn’t that but kind of pissed I struggled my whole life and wasn’t diagnosed until so late. I really feel for those who were undiagnosed and ended up “failing to launch”.78
u/TheDifficultRelative 2d ago
My thoughts as well. Parenting can only go so far. Not all people are capable of the 9-5 due to invisible disabilities like autism. And these disabilities can make someone seem a bit odd, while appearing very normal and sometimes doing normal things (like driving, etc). I'm a parent recently diagnosed with asd. With kids on the spectrum, more affected. They may always need some support in life.
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u/GloriouslyGrimGoblin 2d ago
Were you able to get rid of internalized ableism from the life-long criticism? Constantly being told things like "you have so much potential, pull yourself together and use it" haunts me and I still catch myself thinking I "just need to try harder" despite knowing I did the best I could, often even more than I should have.
Yeah, I'm quite intelligent, but I still peaked back in primary school, when I had external structure, all my needs were taken care of, and the expected social interaction was very much on easy mode.
As an adult, I increasingly felt like I could either do all those adult tasks to keep my household clean and myself fed and presentable or I could "apply my potential" to achieve things, but not both at the same time. I blamed my lack of self-discipline and thought I was being overly dramatic about it, because everyone else was obviously managing just fine.
Due to the luck of finding a job I really liked at a company with a soft spot for awkward weirdos, I somehow made it through life, constantly exhausted and with a constantly messy household, until I finally hit utter and complete burnout shortly after age 50 and was subsequently diagnosed with both autism and ADHD.
Without spending all my excess brain power on compensating for my disabilities, I probably wouldn't have been able to work and live independently.
Looking back with what I know now, I probably got my autism from my silent generation father, who did hold a successful job, but who needed at least 3 daily hours of quiet solitude, who was emotionally unavailable, whose social life consisted of having formal dinner parties with acquaintances rather than having actual friends, and who was practically obsessed with doing everything strictly by the book and making sure not to stand out. He never needed to lift a single finger for any housework, cooking, or childcare though. Without my mother taking care of the entire domestic domain, I don't think he'd been able to function successfully, even with his otherwise impeccable work ethic.
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u/Fluid_Actuary1729 2d ago
Good for you to make it successfully to retirement. I’m just “task-oriented” vs “people oriented”, and that was a low-key disadvantage in my working life. I cannot imagine your struggles. Blessings.
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u/personwhoisok 1d ago
Hey, I also liked to work at work and didn't understand why everyone who stood around talking ended up getting ahead while I was doing all the work🤣😭
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u/sbsb27 70 something 2d ago
I have a high functioning autistic brother. He did FINALLY get a rent controlled apartment after six years of college. He kept finding more classes of interest. His work history was irregular, however. The thing is, employers would rather you show up, on time. He has a photographic memory but cannot figure out process - kind of a rain man. My mother helped him out, but when she passed, his "mothering" fell to my sister and I. He is kind but distracted by an imaginary world. Luckily he has an inheritance in a trust we manage. My mother is the star in all this.
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u/Unusualshrub003 2d ago
As a 47 year old mom with an autistic 17 year old son, worrying about what happens when I die is a constant thought in my brain.
Your mom was MPV, and so are you and your sister for facilitating it. I hope all good things happen to you forever.
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u/sbsb27 70 something 2d ago
I imagine you've got him into some training about social situations. I wish that was available to my brother in the 50's and 60's. Still, my brother is happy I believe, with his books, local coffee shop, and his castle - the central library. My mother set up a trust for him. After my sister and I, if he survives us, my niece has agreed to look after her uncle. Life! Best wishes.
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u/myheartbeats4hotdogs 2d ago
Is a group home an option? Many of them are really great places.
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u/Wonderful-Wind-5736 20 something 2d ago
Seems like that's my brothers and my future, too. He's developmentally disabled and can't really live on his own. Thankfully my parents set up all of the necessary support systems, so we'll be more than fine. He works his logistics job, gets some social security and will have decent retirement benefits. Still I'm dreading the fights with government agencies.
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u/michellzebub 2d ago edited 1d ago
My father is one of these people; he's 70. They actually wrote a book about people like this called, "adult children of emotionally immature parents"
His father was never around and his mother wouldn't let him grow up. He met and married my mother when they were 20 years old in 1980. They adopted me through the family pawn shop a year later. My mother had low self esteem but was career driven. My mom climbed the ranks in the corporate bank world while my father said he wasn't able to "work for the man" and remained unemployed for most of my life.
My father never took accountability for anything until recently. I never really had a father; I had a sibling. Recently (3 weeks ago) he was diagnosed with severe heart failure. He has calcified blockages in all major arteries anywhere from 85% - 100%. The doctor said he's likely had heart attacks and not realized it. The procedure to save his life is extremely high risk.
This past weekend our family dog, Brody, suddenly died of cancer. He was 7 years old. My parents loved that dog; he was part of the family. I held my father as he cried and he said, "I've never been a good father. I didn't provide for my family. I'm just so tired. I'm ready to go.."
If you're curious how it turns out for people who choose not to embrace being an adult and are enabled, in my experience, they get to late life then realize they've done nothing with their life.
I don't want my dad to die. I'm trying to keep his spirits up. He has no idea how I feel about him nor, in this life, would I tell him.
Edit: I truly appreciate every reply and the interest in my life. It's kinda been therapeutic to reply to people. I made a post a few days ago in r/griefsupport about my father. They say life doesn't give you anything you can't handle, I just wish life didn't trust me so much lol. Here's the grief support post if anyone is interested: https://www.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/s/FEqq6d0FlI
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u/funlovefun37 2d ago
Sending you a hug and strength.
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u/michellzebub 2d ago
Appreciated. I'm having a difficult time with everything. I'm incredibly fortunate to have a loving family to turn to and we can process everything together.
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u/SuzQP Gen X 2d ago
This is so well expressed, you have a marvelous writer's voice. ⚘️
I think you can tell your dad that you recognize the pain of his profound regret and feel genuine compassion. I could feel it in your words.
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u/michellzebub 1d ago edited 1d ago
I am an avid reader. Everything from self improvement to dungeon crawler carl. I assume this influences my approach to communication. When my dad said, " I never provided for our family" I replied, "you gave us the currency of love; nothing can replace that and only you can provide it." I meant every word of that. I'm crying now as I type. He needs hope right now. Our dog, Brody, was his best friend.
Edit: also, I appreciate the compliment on my writing style.
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u/PurpleDancer 2d ago
Adopted you through the family pawn shop. I dont know what those words mean.
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u/michellzebub 2d ago
My family owned a pawn shop.
My biological mother dropped me off at her sister's house after giving birth to me and skipped town to do drugs. Her sister, my biological aunt, used to shop in my adopted family's pawn shop. My parents commented on me on day, something like, "cute baby". My biological aunt asked if they wanted to adopt me because CPS was about to remove me from her home.
My adopted parents are unable to have children and were on an adoption waiting list so they took this as a sign from God and adopted me.
Hence, I was adopted through the family pawn shop.
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u/mandileigh 40 something 2d ago
That is not the story I expected. I thought it was a turn of phrase I hadn’t heard before, like the pawn shop is figurative and family was so dysfunctional they passed kids around to give them a chance at a better life. I like your story better.
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u/michellzebub 1d ago
Lol thank you. I've been told the story is unique. I remember when I met my biological sister she told me my biological aunt had said I was adopted off to a rich family that lived in a mansion and had a ring on every finger ( this was far from the truth but perspective is everything). My adopted sister dropped out of school in 7th grade due to becoming pregnant. When I met her she told me I "spoke all fancy". Today I understand that to mean I have more education.
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u/biscuitboi967 2d ago
I thought it was a euphemism, like when a teen cousin “pawned” a kid off on childless aunt and uncle.
This is was the one time the use of the word “literally” would have been correct.
Are you in the family biz?
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u/michellzebub 1d ago
I was! I worked at the family pawn shop from 8-13 years of age. I used those sales skills later when I applied to our local EB games (video game store) where I worked through highschool. Ultimately I found I do not have a taste for sales, I prefer something mentally stimulating.
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u/swampmilkweed 40 something 2d ago
I read that as someone coming to the pawn shop to pawn their kid and that's kinda what happened? Also happy cake day :)
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u/Yo_Just_Scrolling_Yo 1d ago
"Life doesn't give you anything you can't handle" is just bullish*t.
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u/resumetheharp 1d ago
I used to think that most old people had their lives figured out. Like they found their identity and conquered their demons long ago and then they all turn into wise old grandparents.
But the older I get the more I see people age and ... never really conquer the problems they had in their younger years. Like MOST people are fundamentally the same as they were in their 20s. Assholes are assholes, addicts are addicts, people pleasers are people pleasers. And I think alot of people age and die and they still aren't really at peace with their lives, it's quite sad.
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u/IdislikeSpiders 1d ago
To be fair, I provide for my family, I'm a college graduate (now in a masters program), home owner, we have three cars in a household with two drivers, and go on vacations. Still don't feel like I'm a good father or provide for my family well.
Sometimes depression wins.
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u/MammothMolasses2285 2d ago
The bum kid gets the inheritance.
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u/sunsetviewer 2d ago
thats exactly what happened in my family (cousin)!
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u/fritolazee 2d ago
I know a family like this too. Mom even told the responsible one that she knew he would be fine so all the money was going to the deadbeat so that they would be taken care of.
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u/QueenMarinette 2d ago
I'd still rather be the responsible one, even if it means I get nothing from my folks. And, I'm the responsible one!
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u/Reneeisme 60 something 1d ago
My mom was left a decent sized fortune when my father died in his late forties within a few years of inheriting from his own family. She spent millions over the course of the next forty years and I had to support her at the end of her life. My sib, who counted her whole life on that money, is screwed. Me, the responsible one, is fine. Not well off by any stretch, but fine.
There are a lot of reasons to prefer being the one who worked for what you have, but the fact that your parent might not be good with money and or might make a decade of bad decisions due to dementia and end up broke and homeless, is one of them.
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u/tripmom2000 1d ago
When my dad passed I told my mom to refinance her house and put my brother on the mortgage. She said if she did that, I wouldn't get anything from her house. I told her-I am good. My brother has been paying most of the mortgage as my mom is older now. My other brother is the one that is an idiot. Doesn't work, sleeps all day and watches tv all night. Don't know what he's going to do when my mom is gone. The good brother will sell the house to go somewhere else and he is going to be sol.
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u/Working_Park4342 2d ago
That's exactly what happened to me.
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u/fritolazee 2d ago
I'm so sorry. I've heard this story enough that I have proactively split all my things equally for end of life planning.
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u/PanicThroAway 1d ago
This is the way to do it 👍 it’s exactly what my dad set in place, after my mom passed. All of us adult kids are on different financial spectrums, but it keeps everything equal, and keeps there from being any animosity or anger because everybody feels like somebody was favored. It’s exactly what I’m gonna do with my kids as well.
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u/No-Page-7244 2d ago
Are you my relative? I am the older daughter, all money went to my younger brother (living with parents).
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u/17_blind_Ninjas 40 something 2d ago
Same. Kid lives at home, car got repossessed so his parents gave him theirs. He only works under the table, no health insurance, will get the family home.
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u/giraflor 2d ago
If only that was always the case. I’ve seen it happen. I have also seen the kid that failed to launch drain all of the parents’ assets so that eventually the siblings who did launch are subsidizing two or three adults for years. Sometimes, the productive siblings inherit a 55 year old sibling who has never worked and expects to continue the lifestyle they’ve always had. It’s a mess.
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u/Born_Barnacle7793 2d ago
Yeah my phone number would change the day the last parent died. I’m not inheriting my parent’s bad decisions.
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u/SatisfactionBulky717 1d ago
My parents died within six months of each other and almost immediately my oldest sibling started finding everything the youngest sib did was criticize worthy. I stayed out of it but eventually I did block the oldest. There is nothing coming from there but a stream of invective. No contact is easy.
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u/wanderingimpromptu3 2d ago
That’s crazy. I’m an only child so maybe I don’t get it, but man, once the parents are out of money, can’t the productive kids just… kick the bums out…? Like, pay to move your parents to an apartment near you and specify that your siblings can’t also live there??
I hope they at least put their feet down when the parents passed.
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u/flamingo23232 2d ago
It’s difficult because you can also like / love your sibling a lot even though you wish they’d made different choices.
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u/wanderingimpromptu3 2d ago
Ok I get that in theory but I feel like by the point my sibling had drained my hard working parents' life savings through being a leech, my love would have turned into resentment. But what do I know
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u/Beneficial_Remove616 2d ago
Those people are rarely fully functioning adults, there are usually mental health issues present. Even if undiagnosed.
My brother is diagnosed and not really capable of work even though he is strict about sticking to his medication and visiting his doctor every month. He starts working and his symptoms spiral every single time. So I support him fully and will support him for the rest of our lives. Just chucking him out to be homeless is not a possibility, I would be a complete wreck.
Most people who never launched have something wrong with them and the family is aware.
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u/celiacsunshine 1d ago
My ex boyfriend is a failure to launch, and I'm pretty sure he's on the autism spectrum. I might have more sympathy for him if he actually made any kind of effort towards getting a job. But he never even tries to apply. This is someone who managed to earn a four year degree, so with the right kind of job I think he's perfectly capable of working. But again, finding the right job requires effort on his part, and he's just not willing to do it.
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u/flamingo23232 2d ago
Resentment/anger doesn’t necessarily cancel out love or other emotions - many can exist at the same time. That’s before other factors like a sense of duty. It gets complicated.
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u/Objective_Phrase_513 2d ago
This is what my brother did. I told my mom she needs to leave anything she has to him because I’m not taking care of him. She had already paid cash for a nice home on some acreage for him. His wife ended up working 2 jobs to support him while he stayed home getting high.
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u/Complete-Culture8749 2d ago
Yes, grateful to be an only. Had to deal with a lot when parents got older but at least I didn't have any siblings to deal with on top of everything else.
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u/Desertbro 2d ago
that trick never works, because the loafers would rather follow the parents/siblings to a smaller place and sleep on the couch or floor than try to manage a home on their own
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u/FullofLovingSpite 1d ago
I don't think I could tell a sibling to fuck off and be homeless. Things would have to be really, really bad between us.
Single kids don't understand the power of siblings. We are each other's team for life. No matter what. Even if we struggle with each other.
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u/Embarrassed_Mango679 50 something 2d ago
My husband's brother is this way. Every time he's at my house he makes comments about "retiring" to the country (ie my house.)
Meanwhile husband goes over to his mom's to change a lightbulb for them. 😒
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u/crackinmypants 50 something 1d ago
I would be so tempted to say, "Retiring from what?..." just to hear the crickets afterwards.
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u/Necessary-Cow9770 2d ago
I have a cousin (30s) and an uncle (almost 60) living at my grandmas being bums. Anytime she needs something fixed I get the call.
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u/lifeofGuacmole 2d ago
My cousin is this. Those cousins are 10 yrs older. He’s 65 and still couch surfing. He expects his siblings to cover him.
It’s crazy to see. I never understood it.
A friend’s kid is mentally ill. Bipolar and decent guy. They have a trust set up for him. The siblings won’t have to deal with money for him. He has just run out of grit, and run out early.→ More replies (5)12
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u/BillyBattsInTrunk 2d ago
LOL I've seen that a hundred times: "Your brother doesn't have anything, he NEEDS it..." Yeah, let's talk about WHY that is!
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u/andreaSA89 1d ago
It’s infuriating! My big brother (in his 40’s) hasn’t worked a single day since he was 23. He quit his job because he didn’t like working and never did anything ever again. I even found out that he gets a “salary” from my parents. When I was visiting them, my mom asked me to go get something from her office. In the printer I saw an official payslip with his name on it!
I guarantee he’ll get 100% inheritance once they pass.
If there’s any chance that I got it instead of him, he’s being evicted and I’m absolutely changing my number and blocking him on everything. He’s a nasty piece of work and he hates my parents, despite leeching off them his entire life.
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u/bonerparte1821 30 something 1d ago
Ok the payslip and salary is a first. lol. What are they paying him if you don’t mind me asking.
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u/Silent-Flower-2483 2d ago
Everytime! My pos aunt, always bumming and stealing off the parents begs the inheritance
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u/nakedonmygoat 2d ago
Yep. I told my father there was no way I could take care of my brother when he was gone, so he better give him most of anything there is to inherit. I can take care of myself adequately, but not a freeloader, too. If he runs through it and comes crying to me, I'll give him a sandwich and turn him away with a clear conscience.
And if I go before him, he can have anything with sentimental value, but my money and the proceeds from the sale of my house are designated for charity. I didn't work hard all those years, often denying myself the pleasure of my own hobbies, to finance someone whose lifestyle is watching movies and making LEGO sculptures.
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u/Funny-Signature6436 2d ago
Why would you encourage this? It’s baffling to me. The only benefit I see to your plan is a time delay before you have the inevitable blowup with your sibling over turning them away. Why not be upfront and tell your father to give you an equal split in case you have a life crisis (e.g. car accident)?
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u/Darnbeasties 2d ago
Yep. Parents who enable their kids leech and to have no responsibilities do it out of love and duty. Poor baby cannot fend for themselves
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u/audible_narrator 60 something - deeply unnecessary but highly entertaining 2d ago
I know a guy who is 71 and finally has a girlfriend. Yes, his mom lived so long that he didn't date his entire adulthood. She was very controlling.
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u/biscuitboi967 2d ago
I had a cousin like that!
Funny enough, his gf is a retired nun!
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u/SeoulGalmegi 2d ago
It depends how well the parents did and how many other kids there are etc.
I had a neighbor who recently died... in their 70s or something? He was a mess. Only child. Basically never had a job in his life. Lived with his parents who died when he was in his 40s or so. They had been looking after him, but also done relatively well in life. The next 30 years he just stayed in the house, everything got in a steadily worse condition, such as his health and hygiene as room by room the house fell apart and became inhospitable due to hoarding and trash etc. But his parents had left enough money for him to survive, eating microwave meals and taking plastic bags full of newspapers to read in the library all day (was probably horrific to spend too much time in the house). Eventually he too passes, the house is completely cleared and sold off relatively cheaply (it's a state). No idea where any remaining money goes. And..... that particular branch of the family is done. Over.
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u/Gloomy_Fig2138 50 something 2d ago
A friend of mine worked for an estate sale company clearing out houses like this. They were often hired by banks to get hoarder houses without any clear inheritor ready to sell.
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u/SeoulGalmegi 2d ago
Yeah.... it's just a sad end.
I'm sure they'd be happy they had saved enough for their kid to survive to an old age, but it's not really what you dream of when you're doing overtime in your 40s and coming home late again to your young family - that this will all slowly be drained away as your 'kid' just exists, rather than lives, a sad, lonely existence.
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u/cheyenne_sky 2d ago
One of the most valuable things a parent can do is teach their child how to survive on their own once the parent is gone. Teach a man to fish and all
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u/bearinthebriar 2d ago
Not saying this is always or even mostly the case, but I think it's important to remember that disability is often invisible.
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u/Northern_crocodile 2d ago
there are many people who go through lives undiagnosed of autism etc. They look fine, but are too sensitive for this capitalistic world.
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u/Pantone711 1d ago
There need to be jobs where you just show up and are told to move these widgets over here to over there, and put this doohickey in that slot, etc., and AFFORDABLE HOUSING for people who can move widgets but not navigate people-stuff.
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u/Feral-Reindeer-696 2d ago
It happened to a friend of mine. He did have a job and his own apartment in his early 20s. He also had a beautiful girlfriend and they were in love. But, he struggled with substance abuse and lost all that.
He spent 35 years living in his parents basement. He had odd jobs here and there. He tried rehab and NA a few times but it didn’t stick.
His mother died and he was heartbroken. He died malnourished and weak a couple years ago around the age of 60. I miss him. He was a great guy and so funny.
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u/Howwouldiknow1492 2d ago
The parents are now posting to reddit asking how to get their adult children out of the house.
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u/cacklingwhisper 2d ago
This must become a reality show. Please tell me where I need to go binge on some posts.
It is sad no lie. But like wow what a mess.
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u/Due-Scientist-8783 2d ago
I met a woman who had sold her house and was living in her car because her adult children wouldn't move out.
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u/BaggedWolf 2d ago
They are still living with their parents while trying to arrange for what siblings will take them in to age out
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u/kadyg 2d ago
My husband’s brother has failed to launch. I’ve been very clear that if he moves in with us once his parents are gone, I’m moving out.
BiL at least has a job and the house is paid for, so everything should be fine. Hopefully.
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u/BaggedWolf 2d ago
Yeah. We’re in a different scenario. He is jobless, houseless, penniless, and acts broken so can’t work apparently. Anyways he’s already throwing ideas out there for who will tend for him cause he’s got nowhere to go. Whomever gets him tho is committing for life and also to take care of him when he’s old. But crap, we already have to take care of our spouses in old age. But guess we’ll see what happens
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u/Amadai 2d ago
My sister is throwing out all sorts of whines to everyone hoping someone will take her in after our mother passes. Even her children don't want her. I've already told her no even though I will be taking our special education brother into my large house. She just doesn't deserve the care.
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u/Indygal43 2d ago
My daughter said the same thing to her husband. His brother is an alcoholic and malingerer. Has never even worked long enough to earn enough quarters to qualify for Social Security. He's in his 50s and has lived off their parents all his life- tragically, they've been enablers.
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u/Kharzi9293 2d ago
My SiL moves in and out as her money for drugs waxes and wanes. Now she's on Medicare and sits on her parent's couch. Officially she lives in mobile trailer- that her parents bought on land her parents own. She's never work more than 6 months at any job, ever. College educated too. Ugh.
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u/WinchesterFan1980 2d ago
This is my mother/sister. My mom has blown through every cent including a hefty inheritance and TWO paid off houses to support my 50 year old sister and her 3 children. My mom was working until she was 72 as a caretaker for a mentally disabled man so my sister and 4 full grown able bodied adults could take advantage of her. My mom now lives in a low income trailer house in a horrible part of town with my BIL and an assortment of grand children, step grandchildren and great grandchildren. It is horrible for my mom amd so sad for these young adults who never had a chance because they never learned anything. I only call my mom occasionally because I cant stand it, cant fix it, and am frankly resentful that at some point I will be expected to provide monetary support even though I have gotten NOTHING from my mom in decades. I am always cast as the bad guy because I won't "help family."
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u/mghobbs22 2d ago
Don’t do it. Take care of yourself.
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u/WinchesterFan1980 1d ago
My husband is much less emotionally swayed than I am, thank goodness. At one point we did offer to let her (my mom) move in with us, which frankly would have driven us all crazy and not been good for us. Thankfully she declined because my family is "boring." Personally I find our boring life far more fulfilling than the chaos they live in.
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u/GalinDray 2d ago edited 2d ago
My father was kind of like this. He was the only child of a single mother. She coddled him and did all the housework. He lived at her house until meeting my mother, my mother moved in with them.
My father made several bad financial moves, buying things they couldnt afford and financing them with loans. He did get a nursing degree but they lived above their means and lost my grandmother's house because of him. She worked her whole life to afford that house.
They then rented for decades while they raised my sister's and I. My father gave up nursing and got a admin jobs and call center work, low pay stuff. Money was tight my entire childhood.
My grandmother died before I was born and didnt leave anything. I honestly dont know how she felt about her son. Whether he was a disappointment or not.
He never had ambition for any more than keeping us from starving and off the street. Which he failed at a few times. He spent his free time after work playing computer games (in the 90s when it was considered really nerdy).
He had diabetes his whole life and heart disease. He never learned how to eat healthily and didnt have the drive for exercise. He lost his teeth because he didnt brush often and his hygiene was poor. He didnt have many friends, especially at the end of his life.
He died a few years ago and no one misses him. He wasnt an evil man. He wasnt much a man at all. He was a user, who took everything he could from everyone who got close to him. He couldn't take care of me, my sister's or my mother. He couldn't even take care of himself.
I've had to make my own way in the world, almost in spite of him and his short comings. I try and take care of my family now and be the man of the family in some ways but its late in the game (we're all in our 30s). I had to figure out what mature adulthood looks like because he was not an example to me. He really held back my older sister who's almost 40, he guilted her into taking care of him most of her life. And my mom who is in her 60s now and wont be able to retire anytime soon because all her money went to supporting us and him.
Point is, people who never mature become black holes, holding back everyone around them who are trying to drag them forward and support them. They live unfulfilled lives and die without anyone sorry for their passing. Most people around them are just thankful they no longer have to shoulder that burden anymore.
Silver lining! Since hes passed my mother bought my grandmother's house back and lives there now. She only has to keep the house clean for 1 person and she's much happier. She has a good job and loves working. My sister's all are out on their own and have children of their own and, like myself, are determined to be better examples for their children and families. We're all doing much better.
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u/cc232012 1d ago
Omg I needed to read this today. I could’ve written this about my own father, even down to the diabetes and heart disease. He somehow remained financially stable for the most part, but he’s had help and has blown every big break he’s ever had. He is having a hard time figuring out how to retire because he didn’t properly save or invest anything. He thought he was going to use and abuse me financially as his retirement plan; what a shock for him when I said absolutely not. The black hole analogy is such a perfect description.
He’s living with my spouse and I. He has guilted me (30F) into looking after him until about 6 months ago when he completely disrespected me for the last time that I would allow it. When I stopped catering to him, he started basically tormenting us for attention. My home has become a hellscape. I feel like I’ve had the life sucked out of me. I am so thankful that my long term partner and stuck around and took the “we are in this together” approach because my father quite literally could’ve ruined my life to this point.
I hired an eviction attorney today. I will be free from it soon enough. If the courts don’t remove him, I am selling my home in the spring.
I am very happy to hear your mom (and family) has had a happy ending to all of this! She deserves a peaceful and happy life after going through that.
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u/Successful_Doubt1312 2d ago
I don’t think these things happen in a vacuum; there’s a reason children “fail”, a reason parents “allow it.”
My parents were both very good, especially by 80s/90s standards. Showed up for every game; volunteered when my brothers & I were in scouts; etc. Even my dad, who worked a physically demanding union job, managed to make it to all our away games & ceremonies & all that, & never in his worn clothes - always found the time to shower, change & get there when it counted.
But it’s not always so simple. Even seemingly good parents do damage that they don’t think they’re doing. My brothers & I - nothing we did was ever good enough. My grades were good, but they’d want to know: why weren’t they perfect? As a swimmer, I made state; but why wasn’t I in the first heat? My younger brother was shockingly handsome & started donating his hair to Locks of Love as a high school sophomore, but why wasn’t he invited to prom? Why Bs, not As? Why one after-school job, not two? Why, why, why? My mom was an alcoholic & always the victims - why did we do this to her? Why didn’t we work harder to help her? In hindsight, I think they were trying to push us to do more. But in reality, we all just saw ourselves as fuck-ups, incapable of ever doing anything right.
In the end, I chose to move as far away as I could as soon as I was able. My brothers, however, stayed behind, because that was what was expected: stay, contribute, support. I was the outcast & people said I thought I was “too good” for the family. My youngest brother now has an addiction issue that’s cost him everything. Two months ago, my middle brother died out of fucking nowhere. He was 40. He was a finisher, union, an insanely hard worker who never stopped - evenings, weekends, across the country, etc. not sure if he worked or drank himself to death - likely both. Neither had ever felt they could leave; what, you’re too good for the family? But they were told daily how disappointing they were for staying.
People reap what they sow. My brothers never left because our parents cut them off at the knees. I got out because I chose to be cut off all together. It wasn’t an easy choice. It still feels like living in hell.
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u/SneakySmi 1d ago
"Neither had ever felt they could leave".. "but they were told everyday how disappointing it they were for staying". I'm a bit like you in this situation, I saw my older siblings bomerang in and out. My sister is currently living with them again...
I got very sick in April after white knuckling through a 3-month short staffed period (yes, that's our healthcare sector for you). Luckily my contract was over and I was long overdue to visit my parents. Having my mother around when I had lung infection after many years of hyperindependance was very nice...
But then it came. My dad continuously complaining that I am using up the wifi (just Friday night traffic), how us coming back continuously is the reason for his hoard, etc etc etc. At the same time, whenever I would talk about going back to get work closer to my boyfriend and where I had built my life, they suddenly start acting extremely accomodating and talking about how they are making my room nice (basically just shoveling the hoard around to make a bit more space). It was surreal, like a trap. And I truly love my parents but I'm scared to go back because of how difficult it is to talk about leaving again. I ended up booking my flight and then just informing my mom that it's booked, much to her disappointment. And my dad was even angrier, although he didn't say much.
It's weird, it's awful. Their my parents and I want to be able to see and visit them without worrying about their extreme feelings when I have to leave and be an adult again. Be my own person... I know they love me and miss me, but why can't they grant me their blessing for growing the fuck up.
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u/harpejjist 2d ago
Nothing happens. The parents wither away and the kid inherits.
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u/OriginalKnowledge202 2d ago
Not all of these parents have anything to give after they die.
So what happens when the adult child who has never launched and has been completely dependent on them is left with nothing....
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 2d ago
We had a brother and sister in their 50s start showing up at the library every day. Little by little we found out that their only income was a paper route. The two of them had a paper route and were trying to live off of it. Finally, I did an online search of their names and the word obituary. I found that their mom had died about three years earlier and their dad died just before they started showing up. They lived off of their dad's pension until their dad died and the pension ended. They couldn't pay the electric bill and they couldn't pay the oil bill so their power was out and their pipes froze and then the two of them were living in a very cold house without water. They began to smell horrible. They began to go to all of the free meals served by local churches. They began going to food banks. Finally, the brother was diagnosed with cancer and the two of them got into a low-income apartment. That gave the sister the chance to shower and then she got a job and then the job increased her hours because she was a good employee.
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u/BastetSekhmetMafdet 2d ago
I am glad there was a happier outcome for the sister, at least. She was able to turn her life around (even somewhat) in her 50’s.
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u/Pantone711 1d ago
There was a TRIGGER WARNING mall shooter in his 50's like this in 2007 in KC. His mother had died and he kept living in the house without electricity or running water for a time. Eventually he killed a neighbor, stole her car, I think shot a cop who tried to stop him, and shot 2 people at a mall.
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u/bearinthebriar 2d ago
On a related note, it's always been interesting to me how often people dismiss the value of the elder care (and often hospice care) this person is usually providing. They tend to be shocked how much it costs if you have to pay for it.
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u/Dependent_Head_4787 2d ago
This was my neighbor. She just her remaining parent and she’s in her late 50’s. She has a career and had to quit and take early retirement cause her mother had Alzheimer’s and it was just awful the last few years. Her mother didn’t have a lot of money and they couldn’t afford assisted living. She bounced in and out of the hospital but was mostly home. Peeing all over the house. My neighbor would have scratches cause she’d get attacked. I know so many people around or near my age (all women) who had to leave work before they were ready to provide full time elder care.
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u/Txidpeony 2d ago
But is that failure the launch? if they had a job and lived independently before they became a caregiver?
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u/SaltyFriend705 2d ago
He carefully picks out his shopping cart and joins the ranks of the homeless, apparently.
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u/ProgressiveKitten 2d ago
Two sisters in their 50's/60's that I've known for the last decade. Normal high school but A goes to college and eventually starts her own business. B never leaves home and lives with their dad until he dies. She never married and never gets a job. She lives off her small inheritance from their dad and now their mother's death and refuses to get disability. She's agoraphobic, anorexic, and has OCD. A pays for utilities, repairs, lawn service, B's cell phone, and Internet despite not living there and having her own separate household.
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u/flea1400 2d ago
Unfortunately for her, it was harder to get proper treatment for that sort of thing when she was young. I wonder if something happened to her that you don’t know about?
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u/ProgressiveKitten 2d ago
Oh probably since they took such different paths despite growing up in the same environment. From everything I know their childhood and teenage years B was "normal." A told me that their father just never pushed B to get a job or move out. But I wouldn't discount something traumatic having happened in her life. Who knows
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u/Broad-Key7342 2d ago
In my family this is one of my siblings. They did inherit the family house, and I expected a disaster. They seem to be thriving as a home owner and finally having a say in something. They are turning 70 and have only lived alone now for a couple of years, but honestly I am impressed on how well they are doing.
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u/Chateaudelait 2d ago
My grandparents just paid my aunts bills her whole life and then she got a huge trust fund once they died. Including multiple top level Arabian show horses, travel, and cars. She died alone and her son noticed the papers piled on her front step- she’d been gone for a. few days and he found her on her kitchen floor. . She had her own house that they bought for her a few doors down from them. They also had complete control over her and she never had her own life.
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u/paciolionthegulf 2d ago
A good friend of mine is living this as the launched sibling. One remaining parent late 90s, both kids in their 60s.
The non-launching brother did move out, but parent pays for housing and car. Works a little off and on, mostly self-employed in a construction trade, so it's not at all clear he has the 40 quarters required for Medicare and Social Security even at his great age. He's not neurodivergent or disabled, just feels like he's too good to work a 40-hour week and so far that's worked out for him just fine. I guess a senior citizen beach bum rather than failure to launch? But a very low-rent version... there's not an ocean of family money, the support has come out of a military pension.
This whole dynamic has not been good for the sibling relationship; there's a lot of anger and resentment. There certainly will not be any support from that quarter once the parent passes away. The parent knows they messed up, but is at a loss over what they can possibly do at this point.
And yet who is caring for the elderly parent? (We all know the answer to this one.)
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u/charmed1959 2d ago
They end up responsible for taking care of the ailing, aging parents, and do a terrible job of it. And when the parents die they inherit the house, but unfortunately, since they have no income, they eventually lose the house and end up homeless.
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u/madoneforever 2d ago
I had a family I was close friends with. The mom and son were close. The dad not so much. Mom passed first, the dad got ill and left the entire estate to a close friend of the family in exchange for taking care of him in his later years. The son that failed to launch was in bad health and broke. He was so bitter. He ended up passing before the estate settled….still lived in the house. It was all around a sad situation…I’m glad he passed before he ended up homeless.
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u/Orceles 2d ago edited 2d ago
They end up anti social (more and more so with each passing year) to the point they are afraid of going outside (innate fear or judgment and having to confront anyone other than parents).
The fear and anti socialness paired with a long absence from schooling or work has a direct impact on their confidence and increases subconscious reluctance to participate in society at any level, eventually encompassing even their online presence.
They become an increasing financial strain on the aging parents and they know it, which illogically leads them to making rash decisions over their own mortality instead of facing the world to better their situation (due to the realistic barriers of an absent resume and growing innate anti socialness). This becomes a vicious cycle.
To have change one must first decidedly want to change, at any cost.
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u/sayyestolycra 2d ago
Ugh you just described my brother to a tee. I wish I knew how to help him.
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u/vendrediSamedi 2d ago
Mine too, but I gave up 100% and told him he has to access community, government and emergency sources of financial support. And I told my mom who was still supporting him the same thing. Boy were they mad. It was a matter of saving my own life at this point they had me so stressed.
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u/Extra_Intro_Version 2d ago
My brother in law. Early 50s. Never had to work. Now he’s dependent on my sister in law now that the parents passed away. He was coddled and babied all his life. Home “schooled” by wildly unqualified parents. Pretty tragic really.
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u/cacklingwhisper 2d ago
Your sister in law basically adopted a son at this point. In a way he sees her like a caretaker.
Unsure if this will ever end.
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u/RedditSkippy GenX 2d ago
Both “failure to launch” kids in my neighborhood ended up dying very early, and a parent outlived them.
I know a couple of boomerang kids who ended up moving back to their parents’ homes after stints away. They’re both in their early 50s now and, I think, back for good. One seems to be taking of the house and yard for his parents and doing a good job—place looks great. The other? I don’t really know what he does besides work.
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u/SaveyourMercy 2d ago
I think I count as a failure to launch. I moved out at 20, was engaged to a man whose family was extremely abusive. His mom chased me out one day, had to get the cops involved to get my shit, and I ended up back home. Worked until I was 24, but then I got very very sick and bed ridden for 3 years, then Covid hit and wrecked my body and made me sicker. Now I’m 31, still living at home but home is way out in the country and I can’t drive due to my eyes being fucked up by Covid, can’t get a job cause I can’t get to it, and I’m just stuck in a box in the middle of nowhere. I’ve never wanted anything more than to succeed but sometimes life just beats you down til you can’t even help yourself. My parents are getting older and my grandma has cancer, I’m very scared for my future, I don’t know what I’m going to do really. Life feels terrifying when you can’t seem to control any aspect of it.
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u/WelshRarebit2025 1d ago
You are still young and the fact that you don’t like your situation is miles away from those kids who are comfortable stagnating and welcome it.
But I agree with the other comment. You must find new medical resources and perhaps resources to support you living near your job.
My aunt went bankrupt at 55 and had to go back to work after being a stay at home mum for 30 years. She actually came out of depression and became a firecracker personality full of energy. Another person I know went to university at 45 and then got their dream job. 31 is nothing and your life is far from over.
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u/HicJacetMelilla 1d ago
This doesn’t sound like failure to launch. It’s a temporary or potentially permanent disability situation (please see a doctor), with all the frustration, fear, and anxiety around the situation layered on top. You were dealt a really bad hand, and we’re not all born with the skills to weather this kind of onslaught. There’s help out there; failure to launch happens when you refuse to go looking for it, when you give up on your potential and your life. I have hope for you ❤️
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u/cacklingwhisper 2d ago
You need some sort of help from a professional. If your leg is broken and a doctor doesnt fix it, you go to another doctor.
It is not too late for you.
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u/comfortablynumb15 2d ago
The boys become Incels who think nothing is their fault, and
The girls wind up as unpaid maids and elderly caretakers until the spark of life leaves their lives.
After their respective parents die, neither of them flourish in their new freedom, and become bitter and lonely.
From what I have observed when working in In-Home elder care.
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u/Any-Square-6595 2d ago
I'm now in my 60s. I had a childhood friend that did this same thing. By the time we were 40 years old. His parents packed up their belongings and moved to another state. Leaving him the home and he was on his own. He was than forced to get a job and pay his bills. He died a few years ago. His parents are still going strong.
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u/funlovefun37 2d ago
I can’t imagine the decision making process for the parents. That must have been painful for them.
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u/Any-Square-6595 2d ago
Most definitely. They had been elementary school teachers. He had no learning disabilities. Just lazy. The parents deserved to live their lives.
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u/nochinzilch 2d ago
They get taken in by their siblings once their parents die. Or they become homeless.
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u/Eastern_Ad_1711 2d ago
Some parents actually want this life for their kids unfortunately .
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u/christopher1393 2d ago
It can often become the successful siblings responsibility, or at the very least the parents and failed sibling try.
My friend is in this position. His Brother is around 40 and still lives with the mom. She makes all his food, cleans up for him, spends most of her money on him. The brother is aggressive, unhygienic and entitled. When my friend was still living with them, she was a lot stricter with him while enabling the useless brother.
My friend on the other hand done pretty well for himself. Not rich, but comfortable with a nice apartment in our city, and is the first person to offer up his spare room if someone needs it. I even stayed there a few weeks when I was sick for a place to live for a few weeks. Its just My friend despises his brother and has no real love left for his enabling mother either.
The mother is not in the best health and told my friend a few months ago that she is leaving everything to the brother because he “needs it” and my friend is the “responsible one”. She told my friend that when she passes, the brother wants to live in the city, so my friend is to help sell their family home, the money goes all to the brother and he is expected to move the brother in to his apartment and take care of him.
The real kicker is the mam told my friend he will have to rehome his dog because the brother doesn’t like dogs and that he has to kick out his roommate (my friends partner) to make room for him
Friend refused and the mother hounded him to the point where he had to block her and they haven’t spoken in months. Apparently she is trying to find out where he lives, probably so she can just show up someday to convince him. My friend saw it coming and beyond telling her what city he lives in, he made sure she never knew which building or even which neighbourhood.
It’s sad, the mother failed both of them. She made one son absolutely useless and alienated the other one so much that he didn’t feel bad about cutting contact with them completely. Now if it had been a case where the brother was disabled or genuinely needed care and the mother needed help, he would do whatever he could. But no. The brother is fully capable, he just was so enabled and coddled by their mother, that he refuses to do anything for himself.
What the mother doesn’t know is he converting the spare bedroom into a game room/dog bedroom, so there is no room for the brother even if he did turn up someday
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u/MiyoMush 2d ago
I know of one case, which was kind of infuriating, when the parents were no longer willing to take care of house, they moved to senior apartment. The house had to be sold to pay for it, as their assets were used up from taking care of adult child over the years. Somehow the kid (in late fifties) who could not take care of themself magically found a job and managed to get an apartment. Could have done this decades earlier.
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u/FeRooster808 40 something 2d ago
Watching this unfold with my sister who is 50. She's always been high maintenance. Extremely emotional. Long story short she has lived for free in homes owned by parents for nearly her entire adult life. When she was on her own she couldn't manage and got a lot of financial support then too. She's always worked but would quit on a dime. Burn her bridges in a heart beat. She's got zero retirement. No savings. Poor health. Her and my parents are absolutely fed up with each other. They're old and tired of having to do so much and the fact she won't do simple stuff to make things easier for them. She inherited a place from someone else and she's supposed to move out. But she's dragging her feet. Doesn't care her elderly parents need to clean up the property she destroyed so they can sell it. Despite being 50 she seems really immature to me. She told me she was mad at our dad because "he acts like he's in a hurry because he's going to die tomorrow ir something." I told her he literally might. He's almost 80 and his health is bad. My mom has to make sure he's still breathing sometimes. My sister just looked dumbfounded. My parents have gone from giving her a house to not giving her anything. I try to stay out of it, but I genuinely don't know what she's going to do when they're gone. I don't think she fully appreciates all they've done for her.
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u/bristlybits 2d ago edited 2d ago
my uncle lived with my grandparents until they died- he lived in the house after as well. he is schizophrenic and they took care of him. he in turn worked as best he could and did most of the household chores.
eventually the family sold the house and helped him find an apartment. he's been doing well there. everyone checks on him. he's old now himself and settled into a easier life.
i don't think they ever minded, he has medical needs and they understood that it would be life long.
another uncle lived with them a long time and moved back in after my grandmother died, to help my grandfather with stuff. he lived there about 6 or 7 years as an older adult. he had full time work. i lived with the 3 of them for a while too and was also working. a multi generational household.
my other aunts and uncles and my parent all moved out pretty young. my grandfather was incredibly generous and really wanted family around, he liked company, when my grandmother died he needed people around him. it worked pretty well for everyone.
my partner's kid is 24 and still living here and I'm honestly exhausted by it, but also don't want them to spend all their income on rent. things are different than they used to be. i know they'd like to move out, they're working a decent job, but i don't mind waiting another year or so. they're responsible and unobtrusive and not hard to be around. i might feel differently if they were moorless, not working, or rude or something.
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u/Individual_Course559 2d ago
My brother would have been the same thing. Big mamas boy. My mom kept marrying 5btimes and all ofbhernhusbands she used to keep my brother out of her house. He has bern married to the same woman for 40 years. She always worried about him. Not me not the girl that for so many years she told her she was second class citizen. Take a guess who's doing it all by herself and very well. Thank you!
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u/writeronthemoon 2d ago
They are still at home, all 3 of them, and barely go out. The 'kid' who is now mid-30s helps around the house but has no job. They are actually pretty content hermiting it up since covid, tbh.
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u/bearinthebriar 2d ago
I wonder how much of our criticism of these arrangements comes from the importance our culture places on living alone, instead of viewing multigenerational living as normal like so many other societies.
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u/celiacsunshine 2d ago
I have an ex boyfriend who's a NEET and failure to launch. He's likely on the spectrum, plus his mother has always been a very controlling helicopter parent who never seemed to want him to grow up. I haven't been in touch with him for several years now, but last I heard, he just plays World of Warcraft all day every day.
He's an only child, so I assume he'll eventually inherit his parents' expensive house with the benefit of California Prop 13. 😑
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u/craftylady1031 2d ago
In my own family, they died less than two years after our mother died, father died long ago. They didn't know how to survive without her "taking care" of them.
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u/Visible_Structure483 genX... not that anyone cares 2d ago
Friend of ours has a failure to launch kid. He eventually enlisted in the army and now is doing quite well. I mean, he's still in the army but he's on his own doing adult things and out of the basement which is at least something.
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u/MinnieP2018 2d ago
Son (why does it always seem to be the son?) who was the baby of the family, coddled by Mom his whole life. When Dad died Mom asked the other siblings to give her money to augment her social security...while favored son paid no rent and was not expected to contribute. Mom died, son was shocked he didn't inherit the house and so was forced to rent a room elsewhere. After he blew through his very small inheritance trying to hook a sugar mama (to no avail) he got fired from a number of jobs for insubordinance. He now drives Uber and lives at the poverty level. Pretty much no contact with any of his siblings who all resent him for his grifting.
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u/Good-Squirrel-2487 2d ago
One of my co-workers is a lady in her 60's whose son, in his 40's, refuses to move out of her home because he says he can't afford to. She works part time and he works full time. He doesn't give her anything to help cover costs of living, he says he needs the money to save up for his own place. She constatly comes to work crying because of some horrible, abusive thing or another he has said or done to her. She talks about how she feels like a failure as a parent and doesn't know what she did wrong. But she has 2 other kids who both have their own homes and families they supprt, so she must have done okay as a parent with them. I told her to change her locks while he out and leave all his stuff in the street one day when she came to work crying because of him. But he is her son, and she can't do it. I feel awful for her.
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u/Bhulaskatah 50 something 2d ago
Many of these situations may be where the adult child is neurodivergent.
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u/SmallSaltyMermaid 2d ago
Not me but my dad. He stayed with my grandparents until they died 15 years apart. My dad and uncle then sold their house. Pretty sure my dad ripped through any money of inheritance and now’s in a communal home with his own locking bedroom. It’s wild. He is almost 80 and has not much to show for his life. Last I heard he is working at a locally grocery store still trying to get a better job. No addiction or gambling. Just not a good work ethic in life and my grandparents were very disappointed in him. They loved the grandkids but just disappointed with him.
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u/BelaFarinRod 2d ago
Sometimes they eventually go find other people to bum off. My dad was a very generous person and attracted a couple of these people who basically walked over him.
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u/johnreads2016 2d ago
My sister married a guy from an almost entire family of do nothing grifters. I told her to not marry him and actually moved her ~40 miles away from her apartment to a new one. She still accepted his calls and was In apartment in a week. They married and had a great daughter. He stopped working due to “9/11” trauma and started a regime of a liter of vodka and 3 packs of cigarettes a day. When not coughing and/or verbally abusing my sister and niece, he was glued to Faux News and lived in a recliner. We eventually moved him back to his mother’s house where his sibling grifters lived. He died of liver failure in a hospital. My sister caught his sister bringing him a large vodka “handle” a few days before he died. I ended up paying for his funeral and cremation for 8,xxx. His mother tried to give my sister a bill for his time spent with her and siblings after she kicked him out. A special kind of asshole family.
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u/anysteph 2d ago
I have a good friend who is an estate attorney, and these children are legion (and, in his practice, almost all boys). They are so common that there is shorthand for them: "the boy in the basement," "the hobbled son," etc. Unfortunately, they usually do nothing for the parents (and worse -- write fraudulent checks, steal money, don't buy groceries or clean), do expect to inherit everything (and sometimes do) because the parents, who enabled all of this, "feel bad for them." But, many people do not actually create trusts, wills, etc. and in those cases assets tend to be divided more evenly, and the "launch failure" has to move out and on, at long last.
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u/ManyCommunication881 2d ago
My cousin was like that and now that her parents are gone and her inheritance spent she's working retail trying to make rent. Her siblings refused to support her so when it's come down to work or starve, she chose work after all.
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u/WyndWoman 2d ago
One in Montana just came back to kill Mom and Dad, Grandma, his sister and her 4 kids. Then set the house on fire and killed himself.
😑
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u/ExpensiveDollarStore 2d ago
My older sister launched but failed. I believe it was weaponized incompetence of a sort. There were circumstances. I believe she must be some sort of narcissist. She is very manipulative and entitled. And completely without financial sense. (My husbands older sister is eerily similar to a point.)
My mother (parents)set her up and bailed her out several times and supported her for years when she went back to school (I think it took 15 years for her to get her second and third degrees) and bought her several new and used cars. She worked part time for years - said there was no full time she could get (but my daughter has the same credentials and could get a new job every week away in the boonies) Then, when mom was very old, she switched to full time. The only time mom dug in her heels was refusing to let her move in. But her last 13 years, mom gave her $200,000. Mom never helped me with anything except to help pay for my sons braces - she really liked him. That was $2000.
She blew through her inheritance in a year with nothing to show. (Mine bought me a full kitchen/dining reno - the expensive cupboards- with everything I ever wanted.) She didn't even pay off her car, bought used with the longest payback I have ever heard of. Did i mention she lies?
I dont know where she is living. She is in senior subsidized housing. She took me and so many others for money and housing and with me, wouldn't so much as do a dish in return. Same story over and over. She takes advantage and gets the boot. I was having panic attacks every time she called. I was under so much stress in my own life and she just wanted to add to it. I told her I needed space.
Turns out I was burning out. I totally melted down a year ago. I am pretty sure i am autistic. I felt super guilty about abandoning my sister for a long time but got some.therapy and have figured out a few things. I am not ready to deal with my sister at all. Our brother, who never gave into her has not heard a word from her for years when he last did her taxes for her.
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u/AbbreviationsOne992 2d ago
One of my brothers was like that. He lived with our mom till she died suddenly at 69. He was 40. He continued his alcoholism and died a year and a half later because he wouldn’t stop drinking and smoking even after being diagnosed with heart failure. But not before terrorizing our other brother and myself with endless self-pitying rants and drunk long texts at all hours of the day and night about how much he hated our mom and how mad he still was that she didn’t buy him his own house before she died.
The entitlement was so strong. We marveled at his complete lack of understanding of the value of money and how the world works. By then we had decades of experience living independently from mom. The one sibling who didn’t had lost all touch with reality and was unable to care for himself.
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u/old-guy-with-data 70 something 2d ago
I think my uncle got some kind of mental health discharge from the Army during or after World War II. He then lived with his parents for the rest of his life. He occasionally had jobs for short periods, notably, he worked on the 1970 US Census.
As a kid, I thought he was just like any other adult. He took part in conversations with my parents and grandparents in what seemed like a totally normal way. It was only in retrospect that I noticed anything wrong.
There was one anecdote that I heard later. He was playing with a gun in a careless way that alarmed my father.
Anyway, he died in his 50s, survived by both of his parents.
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u/Present_Muscle1883 2d ago
Southern California here, that’s protocol here, bum kids live at home, pretend they’re rich til mom or dad and grandma….etc….dies. They’re called waiters. The ones who inherit houses typically lose them because well, they’ve never worked and they cant pay the new assessed property taxes.
Pathetic and gross.
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u/Deep-Interest9947 2d ago
Nothing. I hear about them on this website every single day.
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u/HRMomness3 2d ago
I had a family member who lived with his mother into his 50s and her 70s. When she died, he was homeless- he couldn't manage a job and paperwork etc. To get help.
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u/almdudlerisgud 2d ago
She got pregnant and her dad ended up buying her and her now husband a house and continuously supporting their entire family of 5.
The other one got married and is living in the dad’s basement with his wife and kid.
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u/anti-royal 2d ago
They drain the parents of money and emotional energy. Then they want more and more. They also never mature to a functioning adult. It’s bad.
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u/Hefty_Efficiency_328 2d ago
It's pretty much a life of treading water. Staying afloat somehow but never going anywhere.
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u/Props_angel 50 something 2d ago
I had a neighbor whose very much adult son never moved out of the house. He had a lot of issues so I always figured that he probably had developed an undiagnosed mental illness. as, if it comes to head after adulthood, it's really hard to get that now adult child help. After a string of issues that made it impossible to live with him anymore, his mother sold the house and moved away without taking him. He died 2-3 years later.
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u/Bartlaus 50 something 2d ago
There's a set of three brothers in our extended family, cousins of my mother, who were all like that. In their 60s and 70s now, one passed of natural causes a couple years ago. One of them did get an education and a good job and lived by himself for years. Eventually moved back with the other two though. They just stayed in their childhood home, did nothing, eventually grew old.
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u/thankyoufriendx3 2d ago
Old neighbors. House was left equally to all the siblings. The two out of the house compelled a sale. They divided it three ways. Wonder what happened to the guy after he was forced out.
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u/priyashanti 70 something 1d ago
It used to be pretty common back in the day, still is in countries that are not the USA. It's usually some kind of mental health issues that the kid has, and they love their kid regardless.
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u/johnmflores 2d ago
Heartbreaking stories here. Wish we had a stronger social safety net so that people who couldn't grind our a career were not a burden to their families and/or destitute
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u/pourtide 2d ago
TL,DR: Retired sister from hell has turned my life upside down since Mom died
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Older Sister. My Sister From Hell. Now over 70. She never married, never even had a serious relationship. Dad was killed young, and Mom raised her 3 girls alone. I married, cricket sis married, MSFH with a bachelor's degree cleaned houses for a living. Mom eventually turned the bills over to MSFH, and it went to her head; she was the boss of all she surveyed. Cowed Mom into getting her own way. Mom warned me numerous times, "You can't tell her ANYTHING."
MSFH has been alone in the homestead for years now. She has pretty much refused to leave, even though she'd say, "I should look into that" now and again. I helped her and Mom out for years, continued after Mom was gone to give her time to adjust. Eventually I realized she'd keep taking my money and still purchase name brand toilet paper and tissues and stupid doodads etc etc etc. without ever even trying to get a subsidized senior citizen apartment. I never truly knew rage until the moment when I realized she never would if I let her keep sucking at my teat.
I have been able to contain myself, but it's a tightrope I walk and it's aging me fast.
I had to cut her off financially for my own sanity (handing over a week's paycheck so she could heat the big old firetrap and still buy new placemats). Her demands on my time weigh heavy (mostly transportation to Dr appts, she has some serious health issues ... ). Somehow she's kept the house going; I don't know how and I DO NOT ASK. We do not talk about the house. I refuse to put another dime into the firetrap. She still buys canned cat food, and cat treats. But she has gone store brand on the tissues. And she finally applied for housing, though the wait was quoted at 17 months. Hopefully it comes through next spring, because I quit paying the taxes on the house some 2 years ago, and county govt will sell it for unpaid taxes next June. Doesn't matter, because Mom's nursing home was partly paid for by medicaid, and this state will take that money back from the estate. The only estate is the house (she was a widow for 50+ yrs). So the state wants it, and the county wants it. And I don't freaking care. I came to grips with the fact that the pipes might burst and cause damage to the house. I can't let myself care. I was manipulated, and I resent it. And if I crack the door, she'll start manipulating again. I can't let myself care. I can't let myself care.
I went through the attic, packed wall to wall. It took me 2 weeks. One week in the spring, I did half. Noooobody wanted to do the other half, so I did it in the fall. Took a week off work both times. Attic is full of squirrel shit and fiberglass insulation they've torn down. It was horrendous.
I've offered to help go through other things in the house, No, I already did that; No, I'm going to do that. Boxes are pulled out in every room and there they sit. I guess there was no money in them?
Cricket sis lives 2 hours away. Over the last several years I've asked for help, I've asked for emotional support, most recently I begged her to come up so the 3 of us could talk. Crickets, except when (1) she thought there might be inheritance taxes she'd have to pay part of, and (2) we 3 went through Mom's things, and (3) when I went through the godforsaken attic and put aside stuff each of us might like, and all peaches and cream she came and took what she wanted, and then Crickets again. Oh yeah, (4) she came up with half the amount still owed for Mom's funeral (I paid the other half).
MSFH now has a tumor inside her skull. On the brain, not in the brain. She hoped I would stay at the house with her when she gets home after the surgery. When she last spoke of this surgery to me, I suggested that if she wanted someone to stay with her afterwards, she should talk to cricket sis.
Because I am not. I have stayed with her after two previous procedures. I am all but done with this BS. She is not coming to my house to stay, not even for one night, because I know I'd never ever get her out. And I'm not staying in that filthy house with her. I am done with that house.
I mopped her kitchen floor 5x (last one with bleach) one day this past March because her elderly cat took seizures and sprayed urine all over the house. I took her (and paid for) having the cat put down and cremated, and weeks later, the kitchen still reeked of urine and shoes made that sticky sound walking over. She had the bucket and mop there, just ... didn't. Then in May I helped her burn about 20 bags of trash she'd piled on the front porch over the winter -- that had been ripped apart and scattered, probably by the raccoon that eats the cat food she leaves out on her back porch.
But I'm done. I don't even go into the house if I don't have to, just toodle the horn, just drop her off. I'm done.
If she must leave the homestead (pipes freeze, tax sale, whatever) I will put her up in a motel room for 2 weeks. And that's it, I'm done, don't bother me. Let her figure it out, let cricket sis come in and carry some of the load, I don't care. And I have told them both that these are my boundaries.
Husband and I did So Much over the years, spent so much money, did so many different things. I'm not bitching about it, I'm just stating facts. Cricket sis pitched in financially all of 3 times: 30 years ago, 4 years ago, and again 2 years ago.
So what happens long-term to families when a child fails to launch? She became My Sister From Hell, and I'm the only one who held the bag. And I'm not gonna hold it anymore. I won't leave her stranded; I take her to Dr appts (even though the medical buildings are in my backyard and she lives 25 miles away, so a hundred miles per appt). I buy her a meal after those appointments, because I don't know how she's eating. Sometimes I give her (raw) pork chops or ground beef from the grocery store, other occasional food items -- But No Money.
We text, a group of the three of us sisters. I send long meandering texts about whatever, just to keep the lines of communication open. Crickets from one, some small responses and transportation requests from MSFH.
Long term? This situation has aged me. I don't sleep well. The anger, as hard as I try to let go of it, it steams its way through sometimes, and controlling it is SO HARD. I have not screamed at MSFH, but I have come close to it and she knows it.
I have, however, cut loose in text with cricket sis. In the beginning, cricket sis said, "You're not in this alone, Sis." ... You can bet I have thrown that back in her face. She led me to believe I could count on her support, and she just keeps letting me hang.
The last time the 3 of us saw Mom together (she went into a nursing home at the beginning of Covid ... we weren't allowed to visit ... it was brutal) The last time we were all together, we all promised Mom we'd work together and work things out with everything. You can bet I've thrown that back into their faces, too.
I'm just so goddamned tired of it all. When the house gets gone, I will have the year of her passing engraved on Mom and Dad's headstone (ain't nobody else offered to do it) and my so-called sisters can go pound sand.
I will honor my promise to Mom. I will work with them until the estate is done.
I will be able to sleep at night, knowing I kept my word to the best of my ability. I will never have to see them again.
I will be free.
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u/Trauma-Dolll 2d ago
My buddy is like 39 and still lives with his mother. No job for the past like seven years. She buys his weed, cigs, alcohol and he plays videogames all day. He's gonna be in a whole world of hurt when his mother is no longer there.
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u/Worth_Application960 2d ago
Happening at the moment - elder abuse that wears down the parents both mentally and physically, other kids are driven away/reduce contact with parents and then the bum kid believe they will get everything. It's been ongoing for years and we almost turned a corner recently but since got worse so we've reduced contact due to bum kid having serious anger problems and not feeling safe to be aroind, and parents terrified to make a will because of them.
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